Brothers
by gothic lolita darling
Summary: Short scene's of the brother's relationship with each other, as children and teenagers, some trouble they get into. Mild language warning?
1. The Brothers, Beginnings

Ducking his head Murphy slunk quietly by, as close as he could get to the wall, hoping to avoid the quick fists of the latest tenant to take up residence in the other half of their divided apartment, a questionable man whose fists moved faster than his thoughts, but whom he never quite had the courage to tell his mother about, with her long hours at work leaving the twins home alone with their tenant more often than not they had never wanted to bring it up in the limited time she was there. Even at six he understood that she only did what she had to in order to keep a roof over her and her boys heads, and in an area like the one they were in a violent drunk was the best you could do. But accepting it didn't mean he had to like it. Just as he thought he had made it safely past knuckles collided with the side of his head, sending him sprawling to the hall floor. Head throbbing he attempted to scramble away, only for a booted foot to crash into his ribs. "Who do you think you are little shit, walking around like you own the place?" Murphy could smell the alcohol thick on the mans breath, his words slurred.

"My ma owns this place not you." Murphy spat with all the venom he could muster injected into his voice.

Yet another blow landed on the side of Murphy's head as he started to try to get up.

"You know who pays more than half the fuckin rent in this place. It ain't your ma bastard. I pay more for this place than she ever has."

Murphy struggled to contain his anger, the rational knowledge that lashing out would only result in more abuse fighting for dominance over the urge to go after the creature in front of him, beating him and insulting his mother. The last words spoken had been hissed so close to his face he felt drops of spit spray against his face. That was when he finally lost it, pouring every ounce of his six year old strength into a single punch, landing it right on the nose, after a brief moment of shock the tenant, Murphy realized then he didn't even know the man's name, lunged forward, grabbing him and loosing a volley of increasingly violent blows.

Connor watched the confrontation through the smallest crack between the door and doorframe of the room he shared with his twin brother, desperate to reach out and pull Murphy in but afraid of the repercussions doing so would have for both of them. He flinched involuntarily with every hit that landed on Murphy, barely able to hold back tears, hating the feeling of uselessness that washed over him anew with every hit he could do nothing to stop. On the floor now Murphy attempted to roll over and protect his stomach, meeting Connor's eyes for only the briefest moment, the sight of his brothers battered face, black eye, split lip, crooked nose, was the last straw, Connor sank to the his knees, tears leaking from his eyes against his will, echoes of Murphy's pain resonating somewhere deep inside him.

Once their tenant was finally done defiling Murphy and had stumbled off to wreck havoc elsewhere Connor dashed out of his room, shaking Murphy ever so slightly, his small hands trembling in fear until Murphy's eyes just barely cracked open, a small whimper escaping his throat. "Connor." He murmured, his small, broken voice barely audible, he reached towards his brother with the last bit of strength he had left. Connor wrapped his arms around Murphy gingerly, afraid of hurting him more, almost ashamed to feel more tears slip down his cheeks, beading in Murphy's hair as he cradled him in his lap. "What if he comes back?" Murphy's fisted gripped the fabric of Connors shirt, almost as though he was trying to draw security from his brother.

"I'm not gonna let him hurt you again Murph." Connor suddenly felt extremely exposed out in the middle of the hall, vulnerable should he come back, as well as in plain view of the door should ma come home, and if ma found out what had happened they would lose the tenant, which meant they would lose the apartment, Connor anguished silently over the cruelty of the place he found himself and Murphy, a place much darker than any child should have to understand so well. Shifting positions he stood up slowly, supporting Murphy as much as he could, shouldering as much of his weight as possible as he mostly carried him into their shared bedroom, lowering him gently onto his bed, the myriad of bruises and blood staining ivory flesh painfully dark and noticeable in the pale moonlight filtering into the room. Desperate to be of some use the only thing Connor could think to do was grab some ice and a wet clothe to wipe the blood off with, "I'll be right back, I promise." Murphy held on to his brother's hand for as long as he could before Connor had slipped out the door.

Gently wiping blood from Murphy's face Connor wished there was some way he could punish the man who had done this, feeling Murphy's pain and humiliation and helplessness as sharply as though it was his own. Silent tears streaked Murphy's face as Connor doctored him the best he could, even the lightest touch painful on such tender new wounds, added to the shame of not having been able to protect himself better. "Sleep with me tonight Connor?" Murphy looked up at his brother through swollen eyes, begging silently for protection he was already too proud to admit he wanted. "Sure Murph." Connor felt vaguely relieved he had asked, he had wanted the comfort of his brother close to ensure neither of them got hurt again, especially not alone. He slid under the blanket, careful not to jostle Murphy in fear of agitating one of his many injuries, feeling the warmth of his brother close enough to hear the beat of his heart, it was times like this it felt like the same heart beat in both of them, though neither would ever admit it out loud, they both felt it clear as daylight.

Around Ten Years Later

Spotting his brother down the hall Murphy took off at a jog, weaving between people until he was close enough to leap on Connor from behind. Arms wrapped around his neck in a chokehold, feet dangling several inches above the floor, "Gotcha!" he roared, trying to ruffle Connor's hair while not losing his grip.

"Damn Murphy." Connor fought to throw Murphy over his shoulder, or at least off his back. "You can't just act like that in public." Connor groaned, his attempts at dislodging Murphy failing, just leaving his brother hanging awkwardly from his side until he decided to drop back down to the ground. "Why not?" Murphy chuckled, punching Connor in the arm.

Not even bothering to reply Connor took a swing back, connecting with Murphy's chest. "You did not just do that." Murphy challenged, eyes narrowing.

"I did." Connor fired back. Murphy took another swat at Connor, who lunged out of the way just in time. Laughing wildly they swung a few more times, completely without regard to any other students passing by.

"Drunken Paddy's." Someone jeered from the side of the hall. Murphy whirled around; scanning the groups of students gathered at various places around the hall, trying to discern which one had spoken.

"Faggots" They made the mistake of speaking again.

Murphy narrowed in on the person who had spoken, a big blonde lout, and before the kid saw what was coming Murphy had landed on him, hitting him square in the jaw with enough force that it wouldn't have surprised Connor to find out it was broken. At that moment all hell broke loose. While silently lamenting his brothers stereotypical hotheaded quick temper Connor jumped into the fray, swinging wildly at whatever was within his reach. Despite his general exasperation with Murphy for getting in to such situations as often as he did, he would rot before he'd let Murphy get into anything alone.

By the time the fight, more of a free for all than anything else, had been broken up both Connor and Murphy had been pretty well roughed up, a cut on Murphy's forehead bled freely down his face, one eye swollen shut, Connor was sporting a split lip and an already blossoming bruise on his left orbital, accompanied by a myriad of other scrapes and bruises they had acquired. Sitting in stiff chairs just inside the front office they hung their heads, awaiting the verbal lashing they were bound to get from both their mother and whatever authority figure was around to scold them at the moment.

"You've gotta stop gettin' into this shit Murph." Connor sighed, running his fingers through his sticky hair.

"Am I supposed to just let them say that shit then?" Murphy fumed.

"Stop playing their games and they'll stop. Don't be such a stereotype." Connor shoved Murphy's shoulder.

"You can let people say shit to you all you want, I'm not gonna let 'em get away with it." Murphy argued.

"Well I can't up and leave you on your own." Embarrassment hit Connor almost as soon as the words were out of his mouth, it was an unspoken thing between the two of them, always have each others backs without the mushy nonsense.

"Oh are you watchin' out for your poor stupid brother with a temper." Murphy teased, not letting on that in a way he was touched by the sentiment,

At that moment the twins mother stormed through the front door, already bellowing about her boys starting bar fights in classrooms and couldn't they just control themselves and behave like normal boys before she had even reached them. The boys hung their heads simultaneously, preparing for whatever came at them next, the last words Murphy had time to mutter were, "Connor, I think I broke my hand." Connor glanced over at Murphy's hand where it sat on his thigh, twisted at an odd angle, what appeared to be bones bulging against the skin in an unsettling manner. Taking in the full sight of her boys ma sighed, "Guess we're going to the hospital again."

Stitched, bandaged, and iced, cast covering Murphy's hand up to his elbow much to his irritation they finished taking their verbal beating about their behavior, then slunk off to their room for the night. Murphy tried to take his shirt off with little success, unable to maneuver the bulky cast, Connor sat on the edge of his bed and watched him struggle for a minute, his irritation obvious, debating if he should offer to help, just do it, or continue to watch, Murphy wouldn't admit he needed help, but the more enraged he got with it the more likely it was he would hit something and only injure himself worse.

"Just go to bed Murph." Connor shook his head. Murphy glared icy daggers in Connor's general direction, refusing to giveup.

Eventually pitying him Connor crept up behind him and just yanked the shirt over his head. "Now go to bed, I'm exhausted."

Mumbling incoherently Murphy nestled into his blankets, surprised when Connor laid down next to him on top of the sheet. "Aren't we a little old for this?" Murphy raised an eyebrow skeptically.

"Just shut up." Connor blushed, glad for the darkness, unwilling to admit he missed being so close to his brother. "Someone has to keep an eye on you." He defended himself feebly.

"Cause I get into so much trouble in my sleep." Murphy smirked.

"Fine I'll get up then." Connor made a movement to get up.

"Ok, I'll shut up now." Murphy surrendered, admitting to himself that he did feel safer with Connor closer, after all the two of them made a pretty formidable team, no matter what the trouble was. Any awkwardness disappeared from the air between them as they smiled; a normal expression conveyed in a way no one else would understand, finally forced to realize and admit some things would never change.

**Authors Note- Hey guys this is my first attempt at writing these two, so if you feel like they're wildly out of character let me know, or if anything here is totally in conflict with any background information I didn't have, let me know what it is, how, and what I would need to do to fix it. Any and all critique is welcome just don't be rude please :) Also if you enjoy this and would be interested in more like it just review or pm me, or if you'd like to read the brothers revenge from the first scene**


	2. The Brothers, Dating

"Get real Murph, we all know I'm the older one." Connor flicked an ice cube at Murphy, who attempted to bat it away before it reached him but missed, getting hit in the side of the neck. As the cube trailed down his body he squirmed uncomfortably, extracting it from his shirt he hurled it back at Connor. "I'm obviously the older one." He argued back.

"Are not." Connor threw another chunk of ice, "You're the classic younger brother."

Murphy successfully swatted the projectile away, "Says the one throwing ice cubes." He spat indignantly.

"MA!" Both boys yelled almost simultaneously.

"Shut up! I'm still not tellin' you." She hollered from the other room, considering throwing something at them herself if she was closer.

"Yes ma!" They yelled in unison again, exchanging dirty looks in the process.

"Why won't she tell us." Murphy grumbled.

"Our fighting probably keeps her entertained, she's probably laughin' her ass off over there." Connor huffed. Taking a long sip of his coke Murphy watched Connor suspiciously over the rim of his glass.

"I know that look Murphy, what're you schemin' about now." Connor couldn't help but be vaguely concerned, that look on Murphy's face had lead to more than one questionable situation, which they usually just barely got out of mostly intact.

"Bet I can get a girl first." Murphy challenged, raising his eyebrows sharply, leaning low over the table on his elbows.

"Oh yea right, what girl'd even look at you." Connor taunted, "I could get any one I wanted, you'd be lucky to snag a blind girl."

"You think you're all that don't you?" Murphy sneered, somewhere in the back of his mind there was a nagging voice admitting he was probably the younger brother, he angrily tried to squash it down. "Mairéad's been keen on me for months."

"Then why haven't you made a move on her yet?" Connor taunted. "Too _sca-ared_"

"You best shut up now." Murphy fumed, his hands clenching into fists.

"Poor little Murphy, wants to take on anyone in school who looks at him funny, but can't even try to talk to a pretty girl." Connor refused to let up, despite knowing how antagonizing Murphy almost always ended. The two of them might be willing to take a few punches and kick some asses for each other, but that didn't mean they were above a good scrap against each other either.

In the living room ma sighed, not even trying to intervene anymore, boys would be boys she supposed, there really was no controlling either of them, as long as there were no trips to the hospital again what was the harm? "You boys better not be destroying my kitchen!"

~X~X~X~

Connor would never admit it, but in a way Murphy's comment about girls bothered him a little, they functioned so well together they hadn't ever really thought much about anyone else being part of either of their lives, they had friends sure, but that was different, they made jokes and comments about girls, but that was different too. Murphy walked in freshly showered, toweling his hair vigorously, "You're lookin' pretty damn thoughtful." He looked over at Connor sprawled on his bed and shook his head violently, spraying water across the room. They technically had enough room to have separate bedrooms finally, but after not even a week they had decided it was just strange to not have each other in the same room, despite the lack of privacy. As Murphy rummaged around for clothes that looked mostly clean Connor slowly started to formulate an idea. Forsaking his own bed Murphy flopped down next to him, Connor slid over to make room, neither of them questioning if it would be considered odd or not.

"I was just thinkin' about girls." Connor folded his arms behind his head.

"Do I need to leave the room for a few minutes?" Murphy raised an eyebrow, only half kidding.

"Not like that you pig." Connor shoved his brother playfully in the shoulder. "How about we plan a date in two weeks time, if we both have girls we both go, if only one of us does the other has to pay for the date."

"Hope you've got some cash in your wallet then." Murphy elbowed him in the ribs, grinning widely.

"I wouldn't be so sure if I was you, I'm the charming one in this family." Connor pinched Murphy's arm. Lacking the desire to get up and move to his own half of the room Murphy retaliated by stealing Connor's blankets, rolling over, and promptly dozing off, knowing Connor wouldn't have the heart to wake him.

After two weeks of secrecy, teasing, questionable spying attempts, and of course a few more scuffles Friday night rolled around, starting with another argument, this one about who would have to reveal their success or failure first.

"The only reason you won't go is because you couldn't get a girl to go anywhere with you." Connor taunted.

"You wouldn't be half as determined to make me go first if you hadn't failed miserably." Murphy arched his eyebrows.

"I would think you would have learned yourself when you were _hiding under my bed while I was on the phone._" Connor accused, Murphy shifted his position, clearly guilty as charged.

"Well if she heard what you were yellin' when you found me she probably wouldn't touch you if you paid her." Murphy smirked, recalling the string of choice words Connor had thrown about when he had leaned over to pick up a fallen pillow and come face to face with him, scrunched up impossibly small to fit into the space between the bed and the floor. "Plus, you stole all my underwear that morning; and I don't even _know _what that was for." Murphy shook his head.

"Well you better pay up cause me and Kelsey are having dinner tomorrow night at seven." Connor couldn't play around anymore, too desperate to rub it in Murphy's face to wait any longer.

"I sure hope you told Kelsey me and Mairéad were comin' along too." Murphy crowed, more enthusiastic than he would have liked to appear. Connor shook his head in disbelief, he really hadn't thought Murphy would have the balls to do it.

The night was already off to a questionable start, considering before they even left to pick their dates up they were fighting, the topic of choice, who would drive. Finally settling the argument, luckily without actually having to be physically violent, they were on their way to pick up their dates.

"I'm actually nervous." Murphy popped his knuckles and ran his fingers anxiously through his hair.

"Don't be you'll be fine." Connor softened his mood towards his brother, wondering for a moment if he had pressured him into something he didn't want to do, plus it was hard to not feel bad watching hot head Murphy stare into a mirror looking like he was about to pass out. "She'll love you Murph." He squeezed his shoulder reassuringly.

"Cut the sappy shit already." Murphy grumbled, secretly glad for the reassurance but completely unwilling to let it show.

"I love you too Murph." Connor smiled wryly, seeing right through his brothers' attempt at being macho.

"F*** you!" Murphy groaned as Connor used almost every last bit of his self-control to resist laughing out loud at him. Before he had time to mention he was starting to feel a little nervy too they had pulled up to where the girls were waiting. Before the car had even come to a complete stop Murphy was out his door and standing in front of Mairéad, then halted, unsure if he should hug her, shake her hand, or just tell her to get in the car. Her auburn hair cascaded smoothly down her white shoulders in sharp contrast with her black dress, Kelsey stood next to her, fidgeting ever so slightly in a white and green dress, her dark hair pulled up simply, neither of them sure what the brothers were doing. Murphy eventually hugged Mairéad stiffly, she giggled nervously and smiled, Connor grinned unsurely, not quite confident enough to just grab Kelsey the way Murphy had embraced Mairéad, the general discomfort of the motion lost to his panic, he had to settle for an awkwardly sweaty handshake.

"Well what are we waiting for?" Mairéad beamed radiantly and let herself into the passenger seat. It took Connor a moment to register the fact he would have to sit in the backseat with Kelsey instead of his usual spot up front with Murphy, who also looked a little baffled at the seating situation. They exchanged one last unsteady glance and buckled their seatbelts, not entirely sure what to expect.

The seating arrangement at the agreed upon restaurant proved to be just as embarrassingly mystifying, with the brothers sitting down next to each other to start with while the girls stood awkwardly and looked vaguely confused, after a few long moments of confused staring and uncomfortable thinking and fidgeting that felt more like several eternities it finally dawned on the boys, looking ashamed they shifted around so there was room for the girls to sit next to their respective dates.

Murphy was generally too anxiety ridden to eat much, picking half heartedly at his food, Connor was so focused on trying to look engaged by Kelsey that he essentially forgot to eat and instead seemed overly interested in an almost manic and unsettling manner. Mairéad smiled sweetly at Murphy, who may or may not have noticed as he was spending just as much time staring at his plate as he was looking at anyone else. Several times Connors' eyes met Murphys' both of them conveying the same theme, what the hell are we doing here? By the time all four of them had finished whatever attempt at actually eating they could make they immediately found themselves in an even more uncomfortable situation of were they going home or somewhere else?

"Did you guys want to go for a walk, or see a movie maybe?" Connor finally asked after a few long seconds of awkward staring as they waited for their check, mentally trying to envision how much money he had in his wallet when he had opened it last.

Murphy reached for the check, pulling his own wallet out, only to have Connor extract it from his hands. "I've got it Murph."

"Are you trying to make me look bad?" Murphy fumed, as usual overreacting to the worst possible assumption.

"We had this conversation before we even left." Connor sighed, fearing the impression Murphy's antics were making. Reaching over to pinch him under the table he thought he saw Mairéad jump slightly.

"I'm pretty sure half the conversations you have are only in your head Connor." Murphy laughed and shook his head. The ensuing bickering ended in a bill neither of them could determine who actually paid for, embarrassed girls, and standing outside in the parking lot while yet another argument started, this time over who had the keys that had apparently been lost.

"Do you guy's just argue all the time?" Kelsey laughed at the ridiculousness of the night in general, Mairéad nodding in agreement.

"Let's just go for a walk along the water for a little bit." Connor purposefully ignored the question.

"I bet the docks are nice and deserted this time of night." Mairéad grinned and promptly removed her shoes.

~X~X~X~

Without meaning to or even really realizing it the brother's walked slightly ahead of Mairéad and Kelsey, still arguing over who had misplaced the keys. Falling intentionally further behind Kelsey leaned over to Mairéad, "I'm not sure how we're getting home if neither of them has the keys." She murmured softly, careful to be quiet enough that they couldn't hear her.

"Murphy stuck the keys under the front seat, I saw him put them there, I just haven't told them yet." Mairéad smiled wickedly, Kelsey laughed,

"You're awful."

In the brief seconds they had been distracted a splashing sound echoed along the otherwise quiet dock, followed by a groan of "You've gotta be fuckin' kiddin' me." From Connor, followed by a second splash and an enraged "What the fuck was that for." Accompanied by a rather water cough. Hurrying to catch up they found the twins floating in the water, shivering and glaring at each other. Mairéad couldn't help but burst into laughter at the pathetic sight of them, causing Murphy to glare at Connor with even more malice. "I can't believe were even fuckin' related." He growled, lunged towards him as much as it was possible to lunge towards someone in the water.

"I can't believe we have the same damn DNA asshole." Connor roared back as he retaliated, neither one realizing how generally absurd they looked trying to fistfight while sopping wet and still in the water.

"I feel like they might as well be dating each other." Kelsey sighed, fixing her ponytail.

"It does feel that way doesn't it?" Mairéad straightened the hem of her dress. "Connor tried to pinch Murphys' leg and pinched me instead, I'm not sure he even noticed."

"Oh he called me Murphy three times, didn't even notice 'til I pointed it out." Kelsey shook her head.

"Murphy asked if I'd seen his dress shoes and told me if I was gonna sleep in his bed I better start using my own blanket." Mairéad shook her head as well in general bewilderment, "Took him almost three minutes of me looking confused for him to go oh sorry, meant to tell Connor that."

"I really think they're perfectly fine on their own, some people just don't need anyone else." Kelsey crossed her arms lightly against the breeze as she and Mairéad stood and watched the spectacle that was the MacManus brothers. "We could probably just walk home." She pondered, "You can stay with me tonight." The girls linked arms and began to wander away, the last words they heard between splashes being, "I swear if you don't give me my pants back right now."

**Authors Note- So here's the second "chapter" of this, I personally think the first one turned out much better, i'm not sure I like this one at all. Any and all thoughts and critiques are welcome, also I apologize if my page breaks and divisions are awful, I keep fixing them but they don't seem to handle the transition from pc to mac to fanfiction well. If anyone has any ideas for other little scenes for this let me know, I'm definitely interested in continuing this little group of oneshots about them before they were the saints.**


	3. The Brothers, Bullied

Connor was by some unusual twist home convinced he was dying of the flu, leaving Murphy at school by himself for possibly the first time in his life, or at least in a very long time. And it wasn't exactly clear who was more uncomfortable with the situation; Connor, miserable and without company to distract him from his misery, or Murphy, feeling unusually exposed and vulnerable without someone by his side. More than once before it even hit lunchtime Murphy found himself pausing with the intention to wait for Connor only to remember he wasn't there, while Connor would begin to speak only to come to a halt as he realized Murphy wasn't there.

Murphy's fingers were wrapped tightly around the strap of his backpack, his senses generally heightened by a feeling of vulnerability due to the lack of Connor there watching his back, keeping an eye out in his blind spots. He threw a few dirty looks at anyone who appeared to be looking at him funny, or looking at him at all really. He should have just stayed home; it wasn't like he was doing anything vaguely useful anyway.

"Hey pretty boy," a voice echoes from behind him, Murphy kept his head down, stretching his self control as far as he could, unsure if he was willing to get into a fight without Connor there to back him up. "Missing your faggy brother today." The same voice baited, testing the famous MacManus temper down one twin. Murphy tightened his grip on his bag and moved a little faster, if he could just get out the front door, in the back of his mind he knew they were only trying to get a reaction from him, but the more vocal rest of his brained screamed at him to turn around and clock the guy, but without a doubt the kid had friends with him, and for once Murphy had no one the little voice argued. He was so close to the door, it seemed like freedom, but there was no guarantee they wouldn't follow him home, he didn't turn around to see who was still spewing hate at him, he wouldn't give them the satisfaction, he knew Connor would be disappointed if he couldn't last one day on his own. He flung the door open and stepped into the sunlight, still aware of footsteps behind him. "I'm talking to you faggot." A hand grabbed the strap of his bag roughly; yanking him violently backwards, with his usual observational precision Murphy saw the back delivery entrance to the school off to the side and immediately knew what they had in mind. Shit.

Laying in bed in agony Connor couldn't shake a vague feeling of unease, a tight nervousness in his stomach between the already painful aching, his head pounding accompanied by an irrational worry. He felt mildly guilty about leaving Murphy alone, but was in no condition to even get out of bed. There was another layer of strange feelings underneath the general ill misery that he couldn't quite place, like he was being threatened or watched or afraid. Damn with his luck Murphy was going to get into a fight without him there, his temper could only win him so far in a fight. He rolled over and tried to doze back in to a fitful rest to take his mind of his all around malaise, he knew Murphy could take care of himself.

The bigger of the group grabbed Murphy's hands and held them tightly behind his back, Murphy twisted violently trying to loosen his grip but only succeeding in capturing himself further, before he could find the traction to either aim a well placed kick backwards, throw an elbow, or anything else he could maneuver in such a tight space while restrained a fist collided with his stomach. Doubling over from the impact Murphy did his best not to show any pain, still recovering from the last blow another made contact with his head, stars swam in his vision, he couldn't free himself, blood ran down his face from a cut that had been opened up on his forehead, the next landed on his lip, splitting it wide. What had he done to deserve this, it was three on one, he was trapped, couldn't get away, no one was coming to find him or back him up, they could kill him and no one would know until the garbage needed to go out. Usually it would make him angry, pissed, mad enough to single handedly break every bone in their bodies, but he was forced to realize half the time his motivation was protecting Connor, he had very little sense of self-preservation really, all the fights he had been in he had been more focused on keeping an eye on Connor, comfortable with the sense his brother was doing the same, they were like two sides of the same person, a well oiled machine, apart from each other they were only operating as part of what they should be. And somehow these louts had figured that out. Trapped with no way out he could see Murphy suddenly couldn't find much of a reason to try to fight back, they would let him go eventually; it was unlike him to be so defeated, letting people do this to him without fighting back. Murphy went limp.

Connor was suddenly stricken by a wave of intense pain, recoiling as though he had been hit, a different pain than the constant throb that had been present all day, his head was pounding again just after the aching had finally subsided, his lip felt vaguely tingly and suddenly his vision blurred, he panicked, what if something was really wrong, what if he was sicker than he thought? "Murph…" he murmured, curling up with his arms around his stomach.

Barely conscious Murphy was only vaguely aware of being dropped to the ground, then kicked a few times for good measure, every inch of him hurt, he felt blood caked to his face, bruises already blossoming, he curled into the fetal position, wishing he could just disappear.

"Well this was fun." The ringleader crooned, Murphy managed to put a name to him through the haze, Jameson. "We should do this again sometime" he laughed maliciously, "Maybe next time I'll let you fight back" he kicked Murphy one more time. "But if you tell anyone about this, we'll go after your fairy brother instead."

After what felt like an eternity laying in the dirt Murphy finally managed to drag himself up to standing and down the street, stumbling into a corner store to clean up the best he could before shuffling home. His right eye was swollen almost closed, the gash in his head should probably be stitched but it wasn't going to be, his lip was now clean but still three times bigger than usual, bruises colored his cheekbones and he hadn't even dared lift his shirt to see the damage underneath. Almost as soon as he was in the door Connor was peering out of their room, supporting himself on the doorframe, still looking haggard and sickly. "Murph you're late." He blurted as soon as his eyes focused on his brother, "What the hell happened to your face!?" Connors eyes widened as he took in Murphys' battered face.

"Took a tumble down the stairs on the way out." Murphy lied easily, trying to smile with only minimal success, knowing Connor probably knew him too well to be fooled anyway.

"I know you're lyin' to me Murphy." Connor started to scold him, only to have to rush back to the bathroom instead, his retching echoes down the hall.

~X~X~X~

It went on for weeks. Threats and insults whispered in his ear, about Connor as much as about him, breaking him down slowly piece-by-piece, he'd find himself dragged back behind the delivery road every couple days to be beaten again, each time kept quiet by the threats against his brother and mom if he told anyone, sometimes allowed to fight back sometimes not. It was the human equivalent of dogfighting, and no matter how hard he fought back he was no match for three people, not to mention he had quickly learned the more he fought back the more he was restrained the next time. As tough as he was Murphy MacManus was breaking under the physical and emotional, verbal abuse. The psychological warfare being waged against him for no reason at all not only taking its' toll on him but also distancing him from his brother, a unique kind of torment and pain caused by the separation growing between them. He couldn't tell Connor what was happening without putting him in danger as well, and he would rather be beaten on his own than force Connor to suffer with him. But he couldn't stop wondering what he had done to deserve this, was he the target simply because he had been the one to be there alone, or had he personally done something to these people to make them hate him. Were people really just that meaninglessly cruel? He hated to seem weak, hated to feel weak, but there was nothing he could do that would make things better, it would only get worse if he got anyone else involved.

It slowly got harder to be at home, with Connor's prying and suspicions, trying to escape ma noticing his ever evolving injuries; he had become horribly short tempered, even more short tempered than he already was, closing himself off from the one person whom he had always been able to rely on, who had once admitted sometimes they seemed more like the same person in two skins than two separate beings. His attempts at protecting Connor only hurting him more the further he withdrew as it went on.

~X~X~X~

Connor was mildly ashamed it had taken him as long as it had to realize if he really wanted to know what was wrong with Murphy he would just have to follow him after school on one of the days he insisted he couldn't go straight home. He had a sick knot in the pit of his stomach, an intuition that for some unknown reason Murphy had become involved in some sort of fighting ring, what other reason could he possibly have for coming home so beaten and bloody? He slipped out of the building early, waiting in the shadows for Murphy to emerge, before he was even fully out the door Connor saw a hand emerge from the delivery alley and yank him backwards, watched the way Murphy cringed at the touch. He crept closer, trying to peer around without making himself visible. What he saw made him sick.

Murphy was restrained by a hulking blond, two other's taking turns hitting, kicking, punching, spitting, Murphy putting up only the most minimal resistance to them, Connor wanted to leap in right then, but knew it would most likely only complicate things, whatever the things that were going on were. Instead he crouched low and watched, feeling every blow that landed on his brother echo against his own skin, his eyes welling with tears at even the notion of pain Murphy must be in. Finally they tired of their sick game and dropped him to the garbage strewn ground where he laid pathetic and broken, as soon as he was sure they were gone Connor leapt out from where he had hidden and rushed to his brothers side.

"Murphy, god what's goin' on here." Connor knelt down and took one of Murphy's hands in his, feeling for a pulse just to be safe. Murphy's eyes fluttered open, "Wha' are you doin' here Connor." He murmured, only barely conscious his swollen lip and tongue making speech difficult.

"Let's get you home, then you're goin' ta explain this all to me." No longer able to stand the sight of him discarded with the trash Connor eased Murphy's arm around his shoulders, slowly lifting him up and guiding him along.

"I would rather it be me than you." Murphy slurred as he stumbled, leaning heavily against Connor. "They told me if I didn't go along with it they'd go after you." His head lolled against Connors' shoulder.

"And you believed them. Your so _stupid _sometimes Murph." A hot flash of irritation raced through him, Murphy could be so susceptible and easy to fool when he thought someone he cared about was in danger, usually causing nothing but more danger. He almost instantly felt guilty, here he was carrying his twin home half dead from trying to protect him and he was throwing out insults.

"They know where we live, they followed me home Connor." Murphy tripped over his own feet, lurching forward.

"Dammit Murph, I leave you alone for one day." Connor cried, more in exasperation than anything else. "Why would you think this was protecting me, we could have taken them, you don't have to sacrifice yourself for me like that."

"I just didn't want anything to happen to you."

"Well I'm hardly thrilled that this happened to you either Murphy." Connor couldn't fight the awful feeling creeping up on him, that somehow this was his fault, Murphy being beaten just to keep him safe.

Sneaking past ma Connor settled Murphy in to bed, tending to what he could of his injuries, he fell asleep quickly while Connor sat on the floor, keeping careful watch as he hatched a plan to stop anything else from happening.

~X~X~X~

It hadn't taken long to find where they lived, all together in the same building, it also hadn't been difficult to figure out they all came out to the back alley every night at nine, just a little MacManus charm laid on thick and the neighbors had been putty in his hands. So now all he could do was wait for them to show their filthy faces.

Right on time the door opened, the first one to emerge was pinned to the wall with a steel blade to his throat before he knew what happened. "One word and I slit you ear to ear." Connor hissed right up in his face. "You know, statistics say that most people are more afraid of a knife than a gun…but don't worry I have one of those too." He ginned manically.

"Now, I know what you three have been doin' to my brother." One of the goons came up behind him, trying to grab the knife and take him down, turning on his heel Connor brought him down to the ground, kneeling on his chest, the gun against his temple. "I know how to work this thing, it's loaded, and I suggest you all listen to me now." Connor slowly pointed the barrel at each of them in turn while still keeping the one pinned to the ground. One of them eyed the knife he had dropped and he pulled it closer, jamming it between his belt and jeans, "You threaten anyone in my family again, and you won't live to see the next day. See this is South Boston, in case you hadn't realized." He stood slowly, keeping a wary eye on the one on the ground without dropping his guard on the other two. "The cops, they don't come around here, cause we take care of our own." Connor fired a shot into the dumpster they stood against, as both a warning and to prove a point. Sur enough not so much as a single curtain twitched. "You tell anyone about this, you got nothing to back it up with and I will make all your pathetic lives hell on earth. You touch me or my brother, or anyone for that matter; you won't live long enough to regret it."

The fear in their eyes was apparent; Connor was willing to bet they would never forget the encounter, and never mention it either. He looked around again, taking in every detail of them, the fear radiating from them, the panic on their faces. "I'm sure I won't need to come back here." Connor holstered the gun and took one last glance around, they scrambled into the building as soon as he reached the end of the alley, Connor leaned against the reassuringly firm brick of the wall, sure he would never have trouble with any of them again, but that didn't mean there wouldn't be other similar problems. He breathed deeply and felt the adrenaline rush through his veins. He was a good catholic boy, what was he doing waving guns at people. The image of Murphys' broken frame and battered face came back to him, the map of bruises across his chest and stomach, the scrapes on his arms and legs, the pathetically quiet sound of his voice. He was doing what was right, guarding and protecting someone that meant more to him than his own life, as his pulse slowed and his breathing returned to normal he headed home.

The sound of Connor attempting to sneak in the window roused Murphy from his light doze he looked up sleepily. "Connor? Wha' the hell?" he rubbed his eyes in an almost childish manner.

"Just go back to sleep Murph, it's nothing." Connor muttered, not wanting to wake him any further. "I promise, those three will never hurt us again."

Not quite conscious enough to understand much Murphy simply reached for his brother, Connor grabbed his hand and sat down to wait for him to fall back asleep, dozing off himself before he could get back up.

**Author's Note- I once again have some slightly mixed feelings about this and the characterization so it might be off. Also I'm sorry I keep beating Murphy up :P he just seems like the most likely to get himself into these situations. I also apologize if it bothers anyone that I switch from more lighthearted chapters like the last to these kinds of things, if anyone would like a warning at the top just let me know. Special thanks to reedus fan and 9kids for the continuing reviews and support, you're kinda what's motivating me to continue this :) And anyone who has any ideas about things they'd like to see the brothers get into just review or pm me :)**


	4. The Brothers, Conflict

It was definitely weird for Murphy to suddenly not have Connor at his side at basically all times, and he really didn't know how he felt about the whole Connor almost kind of having a girlfriend thing. Connor refused to actually say the word girlfriend either out of general nervousness or misplaced sensitivity towards Murphy, but he wasn't fooling anyone. Suddenly he spent all his time with her, neglecting Murphy more and more the longer it went on. Murphy did his best to just smile and be happy for him, but in a way he would never admit to he was resentful, slightly envious, who was this girl to come in and take up all of his brothers time. It was like part of him was missing and he wasn't even sure Connor realized he was missing his twin at his side. It didn't help that Connor talked about her all the time when they were together either. Murphy sat down on his bed and attempted to do some of his homework only to have Connor come barging loudly in a few minutes later.

"Keep it down, I'm tryin' ta work." Murphy grumbled, tightening his grip on his pen.

"You look grumpy today Murph." Connor teased, ruffling Murphy's hair roughly, Murphy ducked out of the way and shoved his hand aside.

"What's wrong?" Connor collapsed down and sat on the edge of Murphys' bed. Murphy stoically ignored him, making a few more marks on his paper.

"C'mon Murph don't be like this. What's going on, people giving you shit again." Connor popped his knuckles at the thought.

"Just trying to work. And I don't need you to protect me." Murphy concentrated much harder than he needed to on the page in front of him.

"Fine, be that way, you wanna be a jealous, sullen ass go ahead." Connor growled, punching the mattress with a surprising degree of brutality he got up and stormed to his side of the room. "Can't you just not be a self centered ass for once?"

"Self centered, you have the nerve to call _me _self centered, all I ever do is watch out for you." Murphy yelled back.

"I don't need you watching out for me Murphy, maybe you should learn to take care of yourself for once." Connor kept his back turned, not able to say such things while actually looking at his brothers' face. "You're just jealous that I have someone in my life other than you and you need to grow up." He was grateful Murphy couldn't see the pain clear across his face, he hated to say such things, but now that he'd started he couldn't just stop and apologize, he meant it but at the same time he didn't, it was the truth but it wasn't, he didn't believe it but he felt like he should.

Not wanting Connor to see how much of an impact he really had, how much pain he was really causing, Murphy grabbed his bedclothes and stormed out of the room to sleep on the couch, the first time in his life he had voluntarily slept separately from his brother. Connor fell down to his bed, already regretting every word he had said, he had never meant to chase Murphy off, he had never thought he'd see the day he purposely hurt his brother, it hurt him just as much as it hurt Murphy just in a different way. Murphy curled up as small as he could make himself on the couch, wishing he could just disappear, tangled in his blankets already unable to sleep.

Annabelle blinked rapidly and almost dropped her coffee as she turned to the living room and saw Murphy sleeping fitfully on the couch, never in her life had she seen her boys sleep willingly apart from each other, what could possibly have happened. She sighed, knowing better than to ask, they would figure things out themselves they always did.

~X~X~X~

Murphy ran to catch up to Connor for the first time since their fight only to see Liz appear out of nowhere and start hanging off of him and promptly turned around. Unfortunately not before she spotted him.

"Hi Murphy!" she chirped, waving enthusiastically, Connor half turned at the sound of his brothers name then seemed to rethink it. Murphy waved halfheartedly back wishing she would stop looking at him and just go. Instead she halted, Connor walking a few steps further before realizing it. "Aren't you going to wait for your brother?" Murphy could hear her ask from all the way down the hall.

Murphy bit his lip, on one hand he didn't really feel like being the third wheel, especially considering Connors' frosty attitude towards him recently, on the other hand he wanted nothing more than to be connected with his brother the way they always had been, the constant emptiness he felt an aching reminder of the way things no longer were. But he would never tell Connor that, wouldn't give him the power of knowing exactly how deeply he had been hurt by the distance between them. He could barely believe his own twin would do such a thing to him, there had never been a moment of their lives they were truly alone from the moment they were conceived, did the distance not hurt him as well, did he really prefer this girl to his own flesh and blood and DNA? They denied actually "dating" likely due in part to the general mortification of the first date Connor had ever tried to go on, but it was impossible for Connor to fool him. Murphy turned around and walked away.

Liz leaned her head against Connors' shoulder. "Is he ok? I haven't seen you guys together for a long time, you used to be with him every time I saw you." She looked genuinely concerned as she looked up at him, "Is it my fault?"

Connor barely heard her as he watched Murphy walk away with his head hung low. What had he done?

~X~X~X~

"It's lovely to have finally met you Liz." Annabelle beamed once the last dish had been cleared from the obligatory meet the family dinner, "Connor why don't you run down to the bakery and get some dessert? Take Murphy or Liz." She suggested as she began the pick up the dishes. She had to admit, she hoped he would take Murphy along, she still didn't know what was going on between the two of them.

"Sure, let's go Liz." Connor looked over at her without even bothering to mention Murphys' name.

"I'd really rather help clean up." She looked over at him, a small pile of dishes already in her hands.

"No, no, I'm not having our company clean up, go with Connor." Annabelle scooped the dishes out of her arms.

"I'd really like to help, I feel just awful making messes and not cleaning up." Liz continued to clear the table.

"Fine then I'm not gonna keep arguin' with ya, you wanna do dishes you go right ahead." Annabelle sighed as they both disappeared into the kitchen.

"Hey Murphy, you wanna go get some dessert?" Connor offered, he felt truly awful about what had been going on, because of his own behavior no less, and what better way to start fixing things than sweets?

"I'm busy." Murphy called back sullenly, grumbling Connor let the door slam behind him as he left.

"I'm goin' ta step out for a smoke, Murphy you be civil." Annabelle called after the dishes were done; gesturing Liz into the living room where Murphy sat sprawled on the couch. She sat down gingerly, slightly closer to him than he would have liked.

"Has something been going on between you and Connor?" She murmured quietly, Murphy tried to ignore her, but didn't want to face the wrath of his mother if he wasn't polite. Liz slowly ran her fingernails down his arm in a strange caress. Murphy jerked away, startled by the gesture, not wanting to read into it but also not believing it was a normal interaction. She slid even closer, apparently oblivious to his uncomfortable reaction.

"I always thought you were the cuter one." She purred, leaning against him, her hand still on his arm. "Why don't we slip away for a little bit, hm Murph."

Murphy shoved her away, feeling confused and vaguely traitorous despite having done nothing wrong personally. "What the hell are you trying to do? And don't call me Murph." He spat, disgusted with her behavior.

"What's the problem, _Murphy, _I thought you wanted me, I want you." She smiled sensuously, sliding her hand across his arm and chest again.

"Get away from me." He once again shoved her aside. She moved to the other side of the couch, pouting and looking at him pointedly.

"Just call me when you change your mind." She winked, at that moment Connor walked back in the door.

Murphy had grown tired of sleeping on the couch and had been left with no choice but to go back to sleeping in the same room as Connor, moving his whole bed to the spare room just sounded like more trouble than it would be worth. That night as Murphy stripped he looked over his shoulder at Connor, debating if he should tell him or not.

"Hey Connor." The words were out of his mouth before he had fully thought things through. "Your girl your so into was comin' on to me last night, tellin' me I was the good lookin' one and asking me to sneak out back with her." He regretted the words as soon as they crossed his lips.

"Don't you lie to me Murphy." Connor was in front of him before realizing he had even moved, "Does saying shit like that make you feel better about yourself? Or have you really tricked yourself into thinking that." He used his slight height advantage to try to stare Murphy down.

"I'm not lyin' Connor, why would I lie to you like that." Murphy shrank back; he had never seen his brother's anger directed at him before.

"Because you're jealous and selfish and can't stand to see other people enjoy things you don't have." Connor barely thought before he spoke, untrue words he would regret later. His fist connected with Murphy's mouth, a real punch, not like the joking blows they usually engaged in. Murphy felt his lip split, hot blood running down his chin, tears pooling in his eyes not from the physical pain, he was accustomed to that, but from whatever he felt break inside him, neither of them had ever aimed to hurt the other before and at that moment he felt some part of the bond he had always shared with Connor snap. Slowly gathering a blanket and pillow he slipped out of the room, blood running all the way from his lip to his chest dripping on the floor without him even noticing he slunk into the backyard, collapsing on the grass fighting off tears.

Connor lay in bed plagued by the thought of what he'd just done, he couldn't shake the crack of Murphy's jaw under his hand, the sight of the crimson blood flowing freely, Murphy hadn't deserved that he never would, he might as well have just driven a knife through both their hearts with that one blow. He shouldn't have neglected his brother as much as he had and maybe it wouldn't have been an issue, he needed to work out a better balance; after all he had really missed Murphy and the general camaraderie they shared. But Murphy had no right to say such things, Connor just couldn't see him lying to be malicious, however he also couldn't see Liz doing such a thing. In the back of his mind he finally realized he had just chosen to believe a girl he had known for only a few months over his own twin brother. What kind of a mess was he making now, he sighed, wasn't he supposed to be the reasonable one? Sick to his stomach over what had happened he peered out the door, panicked to see the living room empty and the back door open, he crept over and spied Murphys' prone form sprawled in the grass. With a sigh he crept back to his room.

~X~X~X~

Connor was stuck. He didn't want to leave Elizabeth, but he didn't want to lose his brother either. Murphy had barely said three words to him for weeks, weeks Connor couldn't even bear to look at him with the stain like bruise spread across his jaw, Murphy preferring to pretend he wasn't there most of the time. While he continued to go out with Liz he couldn't help but doubt the decisions he was making, he should have apologized to Murphy for hitting him but it was too late now, he shouldn't have essentially picked a girl over family but it seemed too late to fix it now, leaving him with little choice other than to go with what he had chosen himself. It hurt him in ways he didn't even know he could hurt, but he wouldn't let Murphy see that.

Murphy had officially given up, doing his best to ignore the ache of the Connor shaped hole in his life he had finally made the decision to stop trying to fix things that clearly only he wanted to fix; Connor refused to even meet his eyes any more, spending even more time out with Liz, if that was what made him happy then that's what he could have. If Connor didn't need him he would just have to learn to not need Connor.

Hearing a tap at the window Murphy got up to open it, there were certain things you did no matter what the state of affairs with your brother was and open a window for him to sneak in to avoid parental trouble was one of them. Connor tumbled in gracelessly; slamming his knee into the windowsill he collapsed to the floor as if he didn't have a single solid bone in his body.

"Murphy." He looked up pathetically, dragging himself into a sitting position supporting himself against the wall. "Sit with me?" he pleaded. Murphy looked at him disdainfully for a moment before sinking down several feet away, unable to deny the request when Connor was so obviously distraught.

"I screwed her tonight." Connor muttered, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands. "I don't even know if I wanted to. It was all her idea. Suddenly she was just all over me and I didn't know how to stop her." He leaned his head roughly back against the wall, "Then in the middle of it all, she says your name. I'm not even kidding you she says your fuckin' name Murph." The familiar nickname slid off his tongue before he even realized it; accompanied by the warmth of a tear he hadn't even felt form through his numbness. "And as I'm puttin' my clothes back on I ask her why, and she says" Connor sighed, no longer able to hold back his cries. "She says, I always wanted Murphy, but you were what I could get. I thought you'd get me closer to him or at least be a good lay, tell your brother to call me if he wants to have some fun." He buried his face in his hands, the full feelings of guilt and shame washing over him, crashing through like waves. All the times he had unconsciously picked her over Murphy, the conscious times too, the way he had treated Murphy when he had tried to warn him and he had been right all along. And now here he was, once again with no one else to turn to, expecting sympathy from the person he had snubbed, how had he let himself become something so pathetic. He fell sideways, laying his head in Murphys' lap, if he shoved him away it would be what he deserved he thought as sobs wracked his body, shoulders shaking and chest heaving, desperate to be able to hold onto his brother like he always had.

Murphy considered pushing him off, making him feel half the pain he had inflicted over the last months, but in the end he wasn't that heartless. After all isn't that what family was, people you could go to when everything else went wrong and no one else was left, who would take you back even when you hurt them, even if they didn't want to. He rested a hand gingerly on Connor's head; just barely stroking his hair, no matter what they did to each other there was something between them that couldn't be broken. They would come through anything stronger than they were to start with. Connor only sobbed harder as he felt Murphys' fingers in his hair, a small gesture that could only be taken as a sign of at least some degree of forgiveness. Even if he had to walk to the ends of the earth and back he would earn his brothers love back, that was the only thing he could count on in the end, the most important thing. As Connor only cried harder Murphy pulled him closer, holding him tight, Connor buried his face in his shoulder, crying for not only what had happened that night, but for everything he had done to jeopardize what he and Murphy had always counted on. It wasn't worth it; nothing would ever be worth it, no matter what had happened he could count on Murphy to be there, and he wasn't going to abuse that. Murphy rested his head on top of Connors' it was odd to have their usual roles reversed, he wasn't used to having to be the protector, but that didn't mean he couldn't be when he needed to.

**Author's Note-So I was going to write a more lighthearted chapter for you guys after the last one, but instead you get more angst. I promise the next one will be lighter though. As always ideas are always welcome I keep a stash of them:P and once again if any ****characterization or anything is off just let me know. And I did some googling and as far as I can tell their mothers name is Annabelle but if anyone knows anything different let me know:)Thanks again to reedus fan and 9kids for your wonderful reviews, I'm kind of insecure about my writing sometimes so they mean a lot :)**


	5. The Brothers, Partying

"C'mon Connor we should have left like ten minutes ago!" Murphy called from where he waited outside the window, leaning back in over the sill to usher Connor out.

"Jeez Murph calm down already." Connor rolled his eyes as he slid out and landed firmly on the ground. "Ten minutes will not make a difference." As they finally started on their way he couldn't help but grin despite his resolve to not act excited, Murphy elbowed him in the ribs, "Don't be so excited." He teased.

"Fuck you Murphy." Connor laughed, running ahead to avoid his brother.

"Grow up Connor!" Murphy hollered and took off after him.

They could here the music playing from down the street, Andy flung the door open before they even had the chance to knock, "Nice to see you boys made it." He thrust a drink into each of their hands before they had even fully crossed the threshold into the house. Connor and Murphy met each other's eyes and grinned wickedly. "To brothers." Connor proclaimed, "To doing stupid shit for fun." Murphy laughed wildly as they clinked the plastics glasses together, downing half of it in one huge sip.

The party had spilled out into the backyard and throughout the whole house, entirely too many people packed into the available space, music pounding through the very structure. Connor looked over at Murphy, suddenly realizing they were just a little out of their depth.

"What do you look so nervous about, get out there." Murphy shoved Connor away and disappeared into the crowd, losing sight of him almost instantly. Not long after doing so he realized it probably wasn't one of his better ideas to banish his backup and wingman in case of a fight or pretty girl respectively. Not to mention the general feeling of nakedness that frequently occurred when his brother was nowhere to be found. Well shit. He grabbed another drink from a nearby table after finishing his first.

Connor found his way outside where the mass of people was slightly less suffocating and leaned against a wall with relief. Not even thirty seconds later a girl plastered herself to the wall next to him, fumblingly offering him a cigarette and lighter that he took apprehensively. Smoking unknown substances from a stranger didn't seem like one of his better ideas, and he had plenty of bad ideas to go off of, but wasn't this kind of recklessness the reason he was there? He lit up and took a long drag, trying with more effort than should have been necessary not to hack and cough on the smoke, unwilling to admit this was maybe the third time he had actually attempted to smoke anything. He settled back further into the siding, content to people watch for the time being, a few more drags on his cigarette, hopefully no longer looking like a dying idiot but still unsure if enjoying it was the word, and maybe he would find Murphy, or have a few more drinks and see if he could dance.

There's a thin line between I've had a few drinks than I maybe should have and what the hell is happening how much alcohol is running through my veins right now. Murphy had just stumbled across that line. And it hadn't improved his social skills one bit.

"One of the MacManus brothers aren't you?" a leggy blonde slipped the glass right out of his hand and took a long sip. Murphy stared awkwardly for a moment before mumbling, "Yea."

She smiled sweetly and wrapped his fingers back around the cup, "I've heard some pretty strange things about the two of you."

"Do I wanna know?" Murphy laughed uncomfortably, almost fearing the things people said about him, not that he cared, he just wasn't sure he wanted to know.

"Apparently the two of you are kinda badass." She grinned, "No one wants to be the poor sucker who messes with either of ya. There's some other stuff too but we won't go there."

Murphy fought off a blush as his mind somehow produced the most horrid possibilities concerning places the conversation shouldn't go before he realized she was still talking.

"Some freaky shit too, like mind reading as ridiculous as that is." Her eyes were warm as she laughed off the supernatural accusation. His gaze traced the curve of her lips, the glimmer in her eyes, slowly glancing lower along the soft lines of her body, trying not to be obvious but too inebriated to be as subtle as he thought he was being. How had he never seen her before, if she knew who he and Connor were she must go to school with them, but he had a hard time believing he never would have noticed her, unless maybe he had and just couldn't remember at the moment. One of her slender hands twined its' way around his neck.

Connor was fully aware he couldn't dance well, but that didn't stop him from trying, his thoughts just fuzzy enough to have convinced him he couldn't really be _that _bad at it. And luckily for him no one else was sober enough to realize how ridiculous he looked either, which was admittedly pretty ridiculous. The alcohol hadn't improved his dancing abilities one bit, if anything they were even worse, it had however improved his feels about it. A hand grabbed his ass, turning around he looked for the culprit but quickly realized it would be impossible to determine in the mass of moving bodies he was surrounded by. He really should find Murphy, he was really beginning to feel naked, it had been fun for a little while, but something just felt _off _without his brother in sight, or at least where he knew where to find him. Plus, he was pretty sure the girl who had been trying to dance with him all night was actually a dude.

Murphy still couldn't place the face of the girl who was still all over him, but the longer she was around the more familiar she began to look. She was wrapped around him, fingers in his hair, legs against his, whispering in his ear so low he couldn't have made out words if he tried, her soft lips brushing his ear, the curve of his neck. Her identity was right at the front of his mind, he almost had it, he didn't really care who she was but at the same time he wanted to know he couldn't focus well enough to place it but she no longer seemed like a stranger. He wrapped an arm around her waist to keep her close, enjoying her nearness. That was when a voice boomed out through the crowd with a sure sign that things were about to go spinning wildly out of control downhill. "What the hell are you doing with my girlfriend?" that was when Murphy finally succeeded in remembering, Ashlynn Ann, head cheerleader, dating one of the hotshot athletes, for a brief moment he was surprised to realize she would even be at a party with this crowd, but that surprise was quickly replaced by the sight of a well built football player barreling towards him.

Connor heard a crash from inside and turned to see what had happened, through the windows he could see people standing around watching something. Another crash sounded, followed by a grunt, one of the silhouettes in the window doubled over holding its stomach. Well it looked like he had found Murphy; he sighed and ducked inside, weaving through people until he reached the center of the room and jumped into the fray, Murphy caught sight of him and grinned, the blood on his cheek lending the simple expression a hint of manic glee. It didn't take long for the fight to remind other people they had scores of their own to settle, or were just itching for a good scrap. That was probably about when the cops decided they should intervene.

At the first hint of sirens Connor grabbed Murphy's arm, yanking him away despite his protests to let him go continue beating, well, basically anyone at this point, muttering about unfinished business. "Come on, we're gonna get out of here before the real trouble starts." Connor hissed as the started down a back road, laughing spitefully as they saw the squad cars race by.

Stumbling along the road the brothers leaned heavily against one another, arms around each others shoulders, neither of them able to really support their own weight. Murphy tripped over his own foot and fell forwards, grabbing onto Connor even tighter, hanging off of him and almost dragging both of them down. Connor laughed uproariously as if it was the funniest thing he'd ever seen, Murphy joined in even as he attempted to hit him in the shoulder finding himself unable to muster up much strength to hit with as well as unable to support himself, instead just barely nudging him. Connot retaliated by trying to push him only to throw himself wildly off balance in the process he fell, dragging Murphy down with him. Laughing too hard to be angry they hauled themselves up again and continued on home, still holding each other upright.

"Connor I don't remember the window being so high." Murphy slurred as he leaned his head in the window and looked around.

"S'not that high Murph." Connor mumbled, shoving Murphy forward he tumbled through the opening and landed on his head. Attempting to crawl in after him Connor fell as well and landed on Murphy's prone form. Murphy groaned and sighed, Connor just laid in the same spot, neither motivated enough to get up off the floor they simply rolled over on the floor and promptly passed out.

Murphy opened his eyes just a crack and quickly shut them again. Had the sun always been that damn bright? He groaned and threw an arm over his eyes, his head pounding a little more with eveyr moment he was awake. He felt Connor stir next to him and reached blindly towards his nightstand, grabbing a pair of sunglasses off the surface and cramming them crookedly on his face.

"How you feelin' Connor." He mumbled.

"Like shit." Connor followed Murphys' lead and fumbled around for another pair of sunglasses.

"I think it was fuckin' awesome last night." Murphy did his best to smile, despite knowing Connor probably couldn't see him.

"Ask me about that when I don't need sunglasses to open the refrigerator." Connor groaned, rolling over onto his back.

"Boys, Breakfast!" Ma's voice echoed through the house, both boys cringed at the bolts of pain the sound sent shooting through their heads. At that moment the doorknob turned.

Ma poked her head around the door and took a moment to process the sight of her boys, dirty, slightly bloody and bruised, passed out on the floor still in their clothes. "Oh you boys are in so much trouble." She yelled threateningly. Connor and Murphy both cringed noticeably, Murphy reaching up to cover his ears.

"Can you keep it down ma." Connor pled.

"No! I absolutely WILL NOT keep it down. Matter of fact, maybe today is a good day to learn to play the fuckin' BAGPIPES. If you think I'm going to feel bad for you sorry bastards for ONE MINUTE!" she softened slightly at the looks of agony, she wasn't letting them of the hook by a long shot, but maybe she could give them a little bit of time to recover. "This is not the last you'll be hearin' about this. You'll be lucky if you ever manage to get outta this house again. Or maybe I'll send the two 'a ya off to your aunts house." She glared menacingly and slammed the door, already planning their punishments for later.

**Author Note- Hey guys, sorry this took longer than the last few, I had my senior prom this weekend so I didn't have a lot of time to write until today. As always please let me know what you think :) I'm always a little iffy on my less serious chapters since I usually write darker/heavier stuff so I don't really know how to judge them but I'm trying to get better at it. Keep the chapter ideas coming I'm starting to need more :) thank you all for the reviews and nice words, Love you guys :) Also sorry if anyone is disappointed this wasn't quite as long as some of the other chapters**

**Also would any of you be interested in a fic about them as adults being hunted by a group of ****criminals as they're trying to clean up the streets of the city? I'm thinking about starting another fic about them**


	6. The Brothers, Babies

Annabelle hadn't really planned on having kids when she did, and she certainly hadn't planned on twins. But here she was washing dishes in a tiny apartment living on what little money their father sent until they were old enough for school so she could work. But for now it was twice the dishes, twice the food, twice the mess and laundry and diapers and everything else resting on only her shoulders. It was a lot of responsibility, especially considering she was doing it all alone. She peered out of the kitchen door to where she had left the boys sitting on the floor together, praying they could entertain themselves long enough for her to actually get something done. Connor seemed to have discovered Murphy's toes and was chewing on them happily while Murphy played casually with a toy car, she stifled a laugh afraid if she attracted their attention the momentary peace would be gone. It was times like that having two was almost easier; they were at least rather adept at entertaining each other. Murphy, at least she thought it was Murphy she was ashamed to admit she wasn't always entirely sure which was which, proceeded to thunk Connor on the head and pull his foot away, she prepared to have to go in and deal with at least one of them screaming and angry but instead Connor just calmly pulled himself up, using Murphy's arm for support and picked up another car or truck of some kind. Annabelle smiled to herself, no matter how difficult twins seemed at times at least she had the comfort of knowing whatever happened to her or to them, her boys would always have each other.

Dinner was always an interesting affair. Well to be totally honest food was almost always an interesting affair, especially when the boys were having one of their incomprehensible gibbering arguments over lord only knew what that usually ended in food being thrown or smashed into each others heads and faces. People thought mediating fights between children was difficult, they had clearly never had to feed two babies at the same time while mediating a food fight between said babies, at least with toddlers and older children you could get a general sense of what the argument was about. Although she was also relatively sure she was occasionally the cause of their ruckus by accidentally feeding one before the other or more than the other, the day they could feed themselves more effectively would be the day her life got that much easier. That particular day she would guess the dispute had something to do with spoons judging by the vigorous utensil waving that was going on, occasionally punctuated by hitting each other with them. Murphy babbled happily while Connor somehow managed to look more contemplative. Annabelle couldn't help but voice the argument in her head, Connor looked like he was deep in thought about what the spoon really was and why it existed, Murphy looked like he was envisioning the various ways to weaponize and play with said spoon. For all the people who thought twins were automatically all the same, she'd like to haul her boys off on them for a few days just to prove how different they already were.

Showering was another unique challenge of her day, she could put the boys to bed and pray the running water didn't wake them, or she could set them down to play and just pray they didn't get hurt or somehow manage to get away. It really was an odd thing to have to worry about your barely considering crawling children escaping from you, but if there was one thing she had already learned it was that she should never underestimate the two of them. Finally coming to a decision she set them down in what roughly passed for a play pen and went to shower in peace, leaving all the doors open just in case. Murphy babbled something and Connor laughed and babbled back, lifting one arm and slamming it down on his leg as if making a point, Murphy giggled in response, mimicked the movement and continued babbling, Connor appeared to be listening intently. Annabelle grinned broadly, she'd be damned if those two weren't talking to each other somehow, she'd never know what they were saying, but they sure were saying something. Connor picked up a toy, she couldn't see what it was from her vantage point in her bedroom, and handed another to Murphy. Still smiling she finally went to turn on the water, they would take care of each other long enough somehow, she was sure of it, her boys were something special. But she had to admit she feared the day they wanted to know which one of them was older, and with twins it was guaranteed they'd ask, but she wasn't sure she knew, somewhere in the haze of pain and joy and love that had been their birth she had lost such a small detail, not caring about who came first as long as both of them were in her arms. Not to mention even now she wasn't always sure she wasn't mixing them up and switching their names from one of them to the other. The one thing she really, truly remembered was the sorrow their father wasn't there, the small pangs of loneliness as a kindly off duty nurse held her hand since there was no one else there, as an assortment of doctors congratulated her with pity in their eyes, as a sweet old woman came in and asked to see them, saying she had just been to see her new grandbaby and didn't think any woman should experience such a thing without another soul around.

She didn't really want to admit it, but sometimes she was scared to raise them by herself, without a male figure in their lives at all. Didn't they say that caused problems later in life? She hated to think she might be doing wrong by her boys, dooming them to hard lives, harder than they needed to be. But she also understood their fathers' reasons for leaving, if his presence was going to put the kids in danger than he was better as far away from them as he could get. She would rather struggle to raise them herself than have them end up dead for no better reason than collateral damage, murdered in cold blood for their parentage they had no control over. She shuddered and turned the water on higher as the thought crossed her mind. Little boys, teenage boys, young men, she didn't know anything about any of it really. But she would have to learn and so would they, they could manage it together, because they were all she had and she would never let anything interfere with that. Peering around her doorframe to check on them she saw Murphy lying on the floor while Connor tried vainly to pull him back up. Covering her mouth with her hand she giggled, they were like tiny drunks, geez that was a scary thought, too early to be thinking about that, they would deal with that at some point but not any time soon thankfully. To her surprise Connor actually managed to haul Murphy back to a sitting position, and unless she was seeing things it sure looking like Murphy let out a tiny sigh of relief as they resumed whatever that had been doing before Murphy had tipped over. She pitied anyone who messed with either of her boys; they were going to be a force to be reckoned with someday.

**Authors Note: So here's yet another chapter guys **** I don't know a whole lot about child development so if anything doesn't make sense tell me, also let me know if this feels filler-y or unnecessary I kinda wanted to write their mother a little more, plus I feel like they get into fights in every chapter which seems kinda repetitive or like a cop out, or just flat unrealistic. As always let me know what you think, even if you don't like it. you guys' reviews really make my day every time **** Also I'm pretty excited to meet Sean Flanery this weekend :P Also what do you think of a chapter of them as like little kids at the playground or having a babysitter, I love the ideas I got from you guys :) but I do want to do ****some things that aren't them as teenagers either, although them trying to babysit might be an interesting one as well :P Also I do think I'm going to start working on another BDS fic, but don't worry this one is still and will always be my priority ^_^**


	7. The Brothers, Babysat

"You boys better behave yourselves for once, I will no have ya tormentin' this poor girl the first time I try to go out in years." Ma admonished sternly as she waited for their babysitter to arrive, giving the twins a look that could melt glaciers and freeze hell. Connor crossed his arms and Murphy pouted ever so slightly, "Can't we just stay home alone?" They chorused almost perfectly in sync.

"I am not leavin' two eight year olds home by themselves, especially not ones like you!" Ma couldn't help but look vaguely frightened at the very thought of her boisterous twins left to their own devices. As it was she could only work days while they were at school and the charity day care the school ran out of a spare building, she had left them alone for roughly fifteen minutes to get bread and come back to Connor tied to a chair while Murphy applied makeup to his face, only to witness Connor bite Murphy in the arm and in the process tip the chair over, trapping both of them. It had been a difficult decision whether to help them up or watch them suffer to free themselves. They hadn't been left alone for longer than it took to look out the window since either, and tonight would not be an exception.

Before the boys had enough time to protest further there was a knock on the door. "I hear one word about you boys misbehavin' and you don't even wanna know what I'll do to the two 'a ya." Ma hissed quietly as she opened the door. A pretty young brunette smiled sweetly at her, "Hi Ms. MacManus, I'm Amber." She extended a hand politely, Ma shook it briefly, "Nice to meet you sweetie, the twins are a little bit of a handful sometimes but they shouldn't give you any trouble tonight. Connor, Murphy, you boys be nice and no fighting." Ma ruffled the boys' hair affectionately and kissed them on the cheeks, they scrunched up their noses and wiped their faces as if they could wipe away her show of affection.

The door closed with a final thump and Amber turned her megawatt smile on the twins. "So which one of you is which?"

"I'm Murphy." Connor spouted off immediately.

"No I'm Murphy." Murphy looked mildly confused for a moment before he caught on.

"Shut up Connor we're gonna get in trouble again." Connor groaned, Murphy finally understood the idea.

Ambers' smile faltered slightly, she could already tell this was going to be a long night. She wouldn't even know which one she was scolding when they started causing trouble, which there was no use denying they would at this point. She glanced surreptitiously around; she didn't even see a TV in the living room.

"What do you boys do for fun?" she asked, suddenly not sure why she had taken this job, especially when the boys looked old enough to take care of themselves, which meant clearly there was a good reason they still needed a sitter.

"Oh not much." Connor shrugged nonchalantly at the same time Murphy replied,

"Shoot things."

Connor elbowed him slyly in the ribs, a clear hint to at least pretend to be sweet little boys until a little later.

Amber adjusted her bag on her shoulder, "Well I'm going to do some studying, you boys need anything just let me know, I'll start making dinner around six unless you're hungry earlier." She smiled again, hopefully if they decided they liked her they wouldn't cause any trouble, and what would make a couple young boys like a babysitter faster than letting them do basically whatever they wanted. "Alright." One of them grinned, she just didn't know which, and probably still wouldn't by the end of the night.

"That bit with the names was genius." Murphy chuckled as they sat in their shared room, plotting what to do next.

"You didn't think we were actually just going to sit pretty did you?" Connor shoved Murphy in the shoulder playfully. "Now I have an idea." Connor leaned forward and began the whisper in Murphy's ear; one arm slung casually around his shoulder, Murphy giggled harder the more Connor explained.

"Murphy." Murphy screamed, "I thought ma locked all the knives up so you couldn't do this any more." Murphy went tearing out of their bedroom, Connor pursuing him with a large kitchen knife in hand. Murphy ran frantically through the living room, leaping over the couch and clambering up on the counter in the kitchen, Connor running behind intentionally slowly.

Amber almost couldn't believe what she heard, had one of them just said knife, she looked up from her novel to find Murphy cowering on the counter while Connor brandished a knife at him, leaping up but not actually hauling himself onto the counter. This had never happened before and she had no idea what to do, this kind of thing hadn't been covered in the community centers babysitting class and if something awful happened to one of these kids she wouldn't be able to live with herself. She stood up and approached the twins slowly, debating whether to try to coax the knife out of his hands or just try to physically restrain him.

"Murphy?" She murmured quietly so as not to spook him. Both boys whipped around to look at her. "Murphy will you put the knife down?"

Connor as Murphy turned to look at her, blade raised high, trembling ever so slightly. The knife slipped out of his hands, clattering onto the floor as he began shaking even harder and blinking rapidly as though he didn't know where he was.

"Murphy?" Connor looked up at his brother standing on the counter. "What just happened Murphy?"

Murphy leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Connor, "You did it again Connor, I thought you were getting better?" Murphy's voice cracked as Connor held on to him tightly. Amber shook her head slowly, not only had their mother failed to disclose the fact that one of her sons was occasionally a knife wielding maniac, she was relatively sure the one with the knife they had been calling Murphy had just called the other one on the counter Murphy.

"If you guys have that settled I guess I'll start making dinner now." Amber forced a cheery brightness into her voice as if she hadn't just witnessed what appeared to be a psychotic break. "Why don't you go sit on the couch and wait." The boys trudged off obediently.

"This is revenge for last time Murph." Connor laughed heartily and began to tie Murphy down to the spare kitchen chair in the corner of the room, a small detail of his plan for the night he had conveniently forgotten to mention to Murphy. Once Murphy was nicely secured Connor forwent the makeup idea and proceeded to tickle him mercilessly instead, having learned long ago where the best places to get him were. Murphy shrieked, a high-pitched girly scream as he squirmed as much as he could while tied down.

In the kitchen Amber heard a scream, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath she wondered what was more likely, a play fight or another dangerous weapon. Peering cautiously around the wall separating the kitchen from the living room she didn't see anything too dangerous looking and decided for her own mental health to just finish making dinner.

What Connor couldn't see was Murphy slowly working one of the knots loose behind his back, the only knot Connor had failed to secure properly. Before he knew what hit him Connor was on the floor with Murphy on top of him, half trapped under the chair as Murphy pulled the knot around his other wrist loose as well, tickling Connor back as they were ticklish in essentially the exact same spots.

"Dinner's ready boys!" Amber yelled, setting plates on the tables but leaving the knives in the drawer. The boys came running in as though they hadn't eaten for months and shoveling food into their mouths with their hands. Amber sighed and realized it wasn't worth her time to argue with them about the proper use of utensils, it would make her night easier to just let them eat like savages with fresh caught squirrels.

Things quieted down considerably after dinner with the twins back in their bedroom and Amber settled back on the couch with her novel. She should probably be concerned that they were being so quiet when they had been anything but all night, but unless they were like drawing on the walls they couldn't be doing anything too bad right? And they were too old for that weren't they? It wasn't like she would even know which name to yell out to ask anyway, damn twins, twins made everything more difficult.

Connor and Murphy counted out the Nerf darts and divided them evenly between each other, loading up their respective guns. "Phase two ready?" Connor asked.

"Your plans don't ever work the way you want them to Connor." Murphy groaned.

"Shut up." Connor snapped as he opened the door.

They flew out of their room like bats out of hell, Nerf darts flying. Connor leapt over the couch and knelt on the cushions, firing over the back regardless of Amber sitting right next to his vantage point. She sighed and got up to sit in the kitchen instead. They chased each other recklessly throughout the small apartment, crashing into walls, falling into furniture, barrel rolling across the floor and hiding behind anything big enough to conceal them. Connor tripped over the rope left abandoned on the floor, Murphy in trying to lunge over him became just as entangled their ankles basically bound together. Meeting each others' eyes they grinned and both aimed for Amber in the other room, quickly turning it into a game of which one of them had better aim.

"Your mother said she'd be home around ten, that's in about ten minutes." Amber informed them calmly as another foam dart bounced off the side of her head. They immediately began untying themselves and rushed over to the table, pulling out one chair between the two of them and both trying to scramble into it, resulting in sitting on top of one another.

"Are you gonna tell her we were good?" Connor asked innocently.

"She says if we were good maybe we can stay home without a babysitter next time." Murphy added with a grin.

Amber seriously considered it. She had realized babysitting was definitely not a good choice for her no matter how much she needed the money, maybe she would try again with a single child under the age of, like, six, but for now she was done with children. And filing a birth control prescription the next morning just to be on the safe side. She looked at the boys smiling faces, they were awfully cute, but she would never wish them upon another hapless teenager, or experienced babysitter for that matter. She wouldn't be able to live with that on her conscience. "Yea, I'll let her know you two were little angels." Amber smiled, hoping they couldn't tell how forced it was.

"We're going to go to bed." Connor smiled and hopped up, holding Murphy's hand as he led him back to their room. Both boys collapsed onto one of their beds, trying to stifle wild laughter.

Ma opened the front door at ten o'clock exactly as Amber was gathering her things. "How were they?" she asked as she pulled off her shoes.

"They were wonderful, sweeter than pie." Amber plastered her fake smile back on, "I didn't even need to be there." She threw in for not only their sake, but for whatever poor soul would have been stuck with them next. She collected her money and disappeared out the door, grateful to never have to see the MacManus brothers again.

Ma peered in at her boys and smiled, both of them tangled in Connors blankets together, innocent little grins resting serenely on their lips.

**Author's note- Hey guys as usual let me know what you think of this **** I might go back to teenagers the next chapter but I'll definitely keep going back and forth between their ages, but do I need to let you guys know their ages in the chapter beforehand or do you pick up on it pretty fast? And I apologize if them wrecking havoc with the babysitter by randomly switching names confused anyone, if I need to go back and make things clearly let me know. I have a rather important message for you guys and an almost disaster story about my weekend and "meeting" Sean Flanery.**

**To start with, I won't have a computer from around May 20-24 until June 24 possibly even later. The computer I currently have is a school issued laptop that I have to turn in at the end of May, I'm on vacation June 11-20, and I may or may not have my own personal computer again by then. I figured I should let you guys know, I'm pretty worried I'll lose you guys as readers if I can't update for at least a month, I'll try to get a couple chapters posted in that time frame but I really can't write and post on my family computer so there's a distinct possibility I won't be able to get anything up. And I just really hope you guys will stick with me and my story for the time I can't update it because I promise as soon as I have a computer again I'll be back to frequent updates. Love you guys**

**If you're interested in hearing a rather interesting story about trying to meet Sean Patrick Flanery this weekend I might as well put that here too. It was a 45 minute drive to the convention in which me and my best friend almost got there fine then got all lost and turned around not even half a mile from where we needed to be and found ourselves trying to navigate with a freehanded map on a brown paper bag drawn by a friendly man who barely spoke English working at a gas station. We finally get there and get our passes for the day and go to do some general shopping and thinking I'll buy a Boondock Saints poster I pull out my wallet only to realize I've forgotten my debit card and only have about $15 cash, all autographs are $30 and I needed money for food. So instead of being able to get an autograph we decided to just wander about the convention room, passing the table where he was signing quite a few times trying to get brave enough to snap a few pictures. By the time she finally got out her phone to take a few he had noticed us walking repeatedly by and waved to us, we couldn't get too close because of the con security, and we weren't going to get in line for a picture when we didn't have the money, but he did blow me a kiss and we did end up snapping a few pictures from as close as we could get, blew him a kiss back just for you 9kids :P It was a lot of fun though, then we got hopelessly lost for two hours at 11 at night and wound up sitting in a hotel lobby waiting for her brother to rescue us, still fun :P If anyone is looking for a daryl dixon shirt rottencotton has the best/coolest/sexiest one, lots of love to the bestie for lending me a few bucks for it. Not sure why i thought you guys would be interested in any of that but thought i'd share. Last thing concerning that, if you guys didn't know already how old would you think Flanery was? Bestie didn't believe me when i told her 48, said he was too attractive to be over thirty :P**

**I think I've written chapters shorter than this authors note, so as always just keep in tune with this there's sure to be new chapters soon, let me know what you thought of this one, do you prefer just kids or just teens or is alternating between the two working out ok? And I really don't know much about kids so if they act entirely too mature for the age in the chapter at any point in any chapter just let me know, this might be lacking in comparison to others I've written, it doesn't really seem to have the same emotional depth as most of the others. And as for my other BDS fic, I'm working on the plot structure now but the sad reality is it may not even begin to get up here until the end of June. I'm also thinking I want to write a little more Daryl Dixon in the future as well I just don't know what. Please stick with me guys, this is really out of my control, I promise I'll do everything I can, I've really come to ****love writing this and your support really helps keep it going for me.**


	8. The Brothers, Surgery

A sharp bolt of intense pain shot through Connor's abdomen, jolting him awake he curled into a tiny ball wrapping his arms around his midsection; acutely aware something must be wrong. He whimpered quietly as he looked over at Murphy, who writhed just slightly in his own bed. Slowly he started to roll out of bed, holding on to whatever he could he stumbled towards Murphy and fell down as he reached the edge of his brothers' bed, collapsing to his knees as the pain prevented him from continuing to stand. He shook Murphy awake, laying his head on the edge of the mattress. "Murphy?" he croaked, "Murphy wake up." His fingers dug into his shoulder, Murphy's eyes fluttered open.

"Connor?" he mumbled, squinting in the darkness. "You ok?" he slurred sleepily.

"Hurts Murph, something's wrong." Connor groaned, wrapping one hand around Murphys' exposed arm. Murphy was suddenly wide-awake sitting straight up, "What hurts?"

Connor just gripped his abdomen even tighter as Murphy got up out of his bed. "I'm gonna go get ma ok Connor." Murphy pressed a hand against Connors' forehead as he got up and hurried out of the room, Connor caught his hand and squeezed it.

"Wha' did ya say was wrong with 'im?" Ma was tying her bathrobe over her pajamas as she opened the door, interrogating Murphy on the problem at the same time.

"I don' know Ma, he just woke me up all hunched over holdin' 'is stomach sayin' it hurt." Murphy spoke quickly, missing even more letters in his sentences than usual.

Ma looked down at Connor where he still clung to Murphy's bed. "Get 'im in the car we're goin' ta the hospital." She rushed off to find the keys, knowing she could count on Murphy to get his brother.

Murphy wrapped an arm under Connors' shoulders and slowly lifted him off the ground; Connors' fingers dug grooves into Murphys' shoulder as he tried to support his own weight, his knees almost giving out.

"Damn it Connor I hate having to admit you're taller." Murphy grunted as he shouldered as much of his brothers weight as he could, Connor laughed weakly, typical Murphy.

Ma was relatively sure it was his appendix; damn organ wasn't any use for anything but causing problems. Not a single speed limit in the area remained intact as she flew towards the hospital, even if it wasn't life threatening she wasn't going to make her sons suffer any longer than they had to. She looked towards the back seat, seeing why she couldn't help but think of it as a plural suffering between the two of them, Connor held tight to Murphys' arm, resting his head against him, Murphys' drawn face was a shade of gray as if his twins pain was his own, holding on to Connor right back.

The doctor was going to have to pry the brothers' cold dead corpses apart before they would willingly let each other go. While trying to discern the cause of Connor's trouble he found himself working around Murphy, who refused to leave his brothers' side. Ma was seated in the corner of the room debating between scolding Murphy for being in the way and demanding he sit down and letting him stay to comfort Connor, who showed no indication of letting go of his hand any time soon. With every poke and prod to Connor both the doctor and Ma saw Murphy wince as well, as though echoes of the sensations found their way through him as well.

"It's definitely his appendix." The doctor finally spoke, "We'll do an ultrasound and a urine test to confirm but it'll probably need to come out tonight." He threw his gloves nonchalantly in the trashcan and handed Connor the test kit. "If you could please just go take care of that, I'll have our ultrasound tech in as soon as I can."

Connor eyed the door warily; unsure of how he would manage to get up and out of the room, down the hall, and stand in the bathroom while every small movement he made sent crippling pains ricocheting through his torso. With a groan he hauled himself into a sitting position, closing his eyes and wincing, his feet not even quite touching the ground. Murphy was at his side in an instant, helping him forward enough for his feet to at least be on the floor, stabilizing him as he tried to stand on his own. He took approximately three steps forward before almost collapsing again and reaching for Murphy out of instinct, nearly took him down as well.

"Do you need help Connor?" Murphy wrapped an arm around his waist, Connor closed his eyes in embarrassment at the thought of needing help just to go to the bathroom, then opened them again with a sigh.

"I guess I do."

Connor had made the mistake of assuming once he at least made it to the bathroom door he would be fine on his own, but of course it didn't work that way. He never thought he'd see the day someone had to hold him upright just so he could piss. Murphy wondered momentarily if he should close his eyes or something as he stared resolutely off into the corner, unsure what the etiquette for such things was, or if there even was etiquette for such things.

"I'll send someone in to start surgery prep right away Connor, this'll be fixed in no time." The ultrasound girl packed up her equipment and smiled reassuringly as she left. As soon as the door closed Connor grabbed for Murphys' hand again. "I don't like the sound of that Murph." He whimpered, past the point of caring if he made himself look weak or pathetic.

"You've never had surgery before have you?" Murphy asked with a grin he couldn't quite stop. Connor shook his head silently. "You're gonna be fine, it won't be that bad." Murphys' grin morphed into a comforting smile as he tightened his grip on his brothers' hand. "Remember when we were seven and I had to have my tonsils out?"

Connor couldn't help but laugh at the memory despite the aching repercussions of the movement. "And I had no idea what was going on and completely lost my shit when they took you away 'cause I thought you would never come back."

"And then you snuck into recovery when you heard the doctor tell Ma I was out of surgery and doing fine and they searched the whole hospital for you before they found you sleeping in the hospital bed with me." Murphy added.

"And Ma was so mad I scared everyone like that, but everyone else in the hospital thought it was so cute that I never did get in trouble for it." Connor grinned widely as he finished the story, "Then on the way home I told you it didn't even look like part of you was missing and you hit me. And Ma wouldn't let me hit you back because she claimed you were still just out of it."

"That hospital gown is even less flattering on you than it was on me, at least I was little enough for it to be cute." Murphy laid his head against the side of the pillow Connor was propped up against as he continued trying to distract him.

"Oh shut up, you're just jealous I have a nicer ass." Connor fired back.

"Do you look at mine often?" Murphy quipped with a raised eyebrow. At that moment another doctor entered the room and began to explain the procedure, Murphy figured it was finally time to get out of the way only to find Connor holding onto him with such fierceness he couldn't leave without causing a scene.

"Have you eaten in the last six hours?" the doctor asked

"Ye-es?" Connor answered uncertainly, looking to Murphy as though he would know.

"We're going to have to do a spinal then." The anesthesiologist stepped forward with a four-inch needle in her hand, Connor very nearly burst into tears right then. "We'll do this here then put you under once we get to the OR. Lean forward and relax, you can hold on to your _friend_ if you'd like." She said with just a hint of disdain in her voice at the last few words. The twins' eyes met for a moment, mutually wondering if they should bother to correct her or just let it go. Connor leaned forward the way he was instructed and grabbed onto Murphy, to hell with what this woman thought. A sharp hiss escaped his mouth as he felt the sting of the needle deep in his back, burying his face in Murphys' shoulder. They moved him on to a gurney and Murphy leaned in and kissed him on the forehead, giving his hand one last squeeze. "You'll be fine. I'd feel it if you weren't."

~X~X~X~

Murphys' pacing was going to drive everyone in the waiting room nuts, he would try to sit and his butt would barely touch the seat before he was up and moving again. Ma had fallen asleep partially out of exhaustion and partly from Murphys' constant movement, just watching him somehow tiring. He was a ball of pent up energy spawned from anxiety, hoping if he kept himself busy somehow he would be able to stop the montage of mental images and thoughts running full speed ahead through his mind. Connor under the clinically sterile lights cut open, doctors becoming ominous figures with their faces covered, the standard fear of waking up before they were done, the haunting thought of something going wrong. Murphy felt a small pulsing pain in his own abdomen every few minutes and paused in his tracks, praying it would go away, convinced if something went wrong he would feel it.

After what felt like several eternities a nurse stepped out from behind the door and said what Murphy had been waiting basically all night to hear. "Ms. MacManus your son is in room 7A if you'd like to go see him, he's still not really awake though."

Murphy was through the door before the last words were even out of her mouth Murphy was past her heading for the room as she yelled after him that he wasn't supposed to be back there by himself. He practically fell through the door in his hurry, knowing he should be quieter but too anxious to care. Connor lay in the bed, his eyes just barely fluttering open; Murphy fell to his knees at the side of the bed, his fingers just barely brushing his twins, Connor opened his eyes fully.

"Your ugly mug isn't what I wanted to wake up to." Connor slurred with a hint of a laugh, wrapping his fingers around Murphys'. Murphy laid his head down on the mattress and Connor rested his hand on top of it.

"I told you it would be fine." Murphy looked up at him as if he had been the one who was worried while also addressing his own fears.

"Course I am, Who else could I count on to watch your ass." Connor smiled and scooted over, patting the bed next to him. "This better be a wicked scar at least, gotta have something to show for it." Connor gestured again for Murphy to join him; he eased on to the bed careful not to jostle Connor at all.

"We don't fit as well as we used to." Murphy grinned.

"We'll manage." Connor leaned his head onto Murphys' shoulder.

"I think having you in there was scarier than it being me." Murphy admitted.

"I just kept thinking about how awful things would be for you if something were to happen to me." Connor felt a slight blush color his already ivory and sedation paled cheeks.

"Do you not know how to worry about yourself?"

"I can't I've got you to worry about."

The twins smiled at each other, the medical scare enough to frighten them into saying things they hadn't really verbalized before. Things they had always understood somewhere deep down but didn't usually admit to each other.

"Love you Murph."

"Love you Connor." Murphy blushed and looked away. "I think we need to straighten that nurse out. I mean don't we look related at least?" he began to babble uncomfortably, then questioning why he felt uncomfortable saying he loved his own brother. "Love you." He said again, slightly louder.

"Hey Murph? They said I have to stay overnight, maybe a couple days. You won't leave me here alone will you?" Connor looked over vulnerably.

"I wouldn't leave for anything. And you won't ever be alone."

Murphy grinned. "So how long is the incision."

**Authors Note- So somehow you guys are getting a second chapter in two days. Should I have waited to publish this is there such a thing as updating too often? If anyone was wondering they're somewhere between 14-16 here. And i did do some medical research to find out about the procedures and such so this should be relatively accurate. It had to be Connor this time, I manage to get Murphy into enough trouble of his own doing. As always let me know what you think, I might start updating a little more often since I have such a great bank of ideas, both my own and from you guys. If you have a specific idea/storyline/chapter that you're just dying to see written tell me and I'll see what I can do with that as well. This has quickly become my favorite story to write. As far as the computer situation goes I should be getting a laptop for graduation but it might not be until weeks after, and no matter what I can't update june 11-20 since I won't have wifi. Geez I just keep letting on how young I am and then no one takes me seriously. I hope you guys like this one; I think the idea is thanks to reedusfan? If my chapters ever get repetitive let me know, I feel like a lot of the stuff here is stuff I've said in other chapters? I really don't re read my own writing often. Once again love you guys and thank you so much for taking the time to read and leave such detailed thoughtful reviews, they make me smile every time :) Also I don't actually have an opinion on who has the nicer butt it just went by what worked in the dialogue :P**

**Just a fun fact, I initially only planned on doing the first chapter as a one shot but you guys really inspired me to keep working with it, now the story and the brothers characters are basically my favorite things to write. and it gives me a reason to keep rewatching the movies so I'm not gonna complain :P**

**I'm kind of stuck with what should be next if anyone wants to throw anything out there, I'm starting to feel like all my chapters have the same theme/events/thoughts behind them just in different situations :/ So I'm not really sure what to do next since I feel like everything is starting to sound the same.**


	9. The Brothers, Surgery Pt 2:Recovery

The first night Connor had been home from the hospital Murphy hadn't slept at all, having convinced himself that as soon as they were home and not fifteen seconds away from medical professionals at all times there would be complications of the sort doctors claimed never happened, only to about three percent of the population. So he spent a rather restless night lying awake and keeping an eye on his brother, who seemed to actually be getting a good, sound nights sleep.

With Mas' hectic work schedule and desperate need for all the hours she could get she couldn't afford to take time off work to take care of Connor after he got home and instead just had to trust that Murphy would be able to watch out for him.

"Murph, would you get me a glass of water?" Connor mumbled from where he lay on the couch, leaning his head back looking for Murphy.

"Sure, you need anything else?" Murphy glanced around the kitchen in search of food, while they weren't quite starving it was something there was never really an overabundance of either.

"What'a we even have?" Connor attempted to adjust his position but quickly changed his mind at the shooting sensation that radiated from the surgical site.

"Instant rice, microwave fish sticks, a kinda questionable corndog, microwave chicken nuggets, a bunch 'a instant dinners, couple cans of soup" Murphy dug vainly through the freezer searching for anything that qualified as real food.

"Jeez can't you make anything that doesn't go in the microwave Murph?" Connor groaned.

"Take care of yourself then." Murphy threw his hands in the air. "Have fun doin' that when you're _bedridden._"

"Soup sounds good." Connor looked over towards the kitchen repentantly. Murphy shook his head with a sigh but did what Connor asked anyway. He usually couldn't say no to his brother and really couldn't say no when his brother looked so damn pathetic. Setting the bowl down he turned to leave only for Connor to reach out and grab his arm. "Aren't you going to stay with me?"

"When did you get so fuckin' needy?"

"It's not like I can do anything. I can't even get off the couch." Connor stuck his lower lip out ever so slightly. Murphy rolled his eyes and sank down to the floor with his back to the edge of the couch; Connor ruffled his hair affectionately.

"You're going to owe me for this someday." Murphy grumbled. Connor just smiled and offered him a spoonful of soup, instead of accepting the offer Murphy pilfered the bowl and took a big slurp then set it back on the tray nonchalantly. "Ma said I need to change your bandaging around dinner, but I'll be damned if I remember where she put it." Murphy stood up and set off to find the gauze and medical tape that he knew he had been told the location of just couldn't recall.

"Will you bring some cards too?" Connor called. "You know what Murph."

Murphy paused in the doorway.

"I saw how scared you were at the hospital. I know you aren't actually mad you have to take care of me." Connor thought he saw Murphy's shoulders fall just a bit as he continued walking without acknowledging what had been said. Connor smiled to himself, he wasn't offended, that was just how Murphy was.

"I don't actually know how to do this." Murphy set down the little box of medical supplies and looked at it skeptically.

"It can't be that hard right?" Connors' eyebrows furrowed together. "Here help me take my shirt off I can't really bend forward."

After Murphy eventually managed to slide the shirt over Connors' head they both proceeded to examine the current dressing.

"Looks like three layers of gauze just taped on?" Connor tried to tilt his head forward enough to see without bending his stomach at all.

"Looks like it, gonna hurt like a bitch to peel this tape off though." Murphy wedged a fingernail under the corner of the tape. "Count of three and I'm gonna peel it off. 1…2…3." He yanked the tape clean off in one movement, Connor yelped and winced noticeably.

"God I think that was worse than the actual surgery." Connor panted, eyes wide. "Let's not bandage it again yet."

"If you say so. That's one wicked bruise though." Murphy examined his brothers' stomach with interest.

"Oh forget the four inch slash stitched together on my stomach, it's a wicked _bruise." _Connor yelled exasperatedly, while simultaneously attempting to see for himself. Sure enough there was a rainbow of bruises arrayed across his abdomen radiating several inches from the incision in the center. "Ok that's some bruise." Connor laid his head back against the arm of the couch, maybe he shouldn't have looked yet, he barely recognized his stomach as his own, not to mention the sight of it had reminded him how much it still _hurt._ "Let's play cards." He grabbed the deck off the coffee table that had been pushed closer to the couch for his convenience

Murphy had to stifle a laugh at Connors' mortified face that he didn't even seem to notice he was making. "Poker?"

"I was thinking like, go fish."

"Sure, since you're the miserable one we can play go fish." Murphy smiled teasingly as he dealt cards. He turned so his back was to the coffee table instead of the couch so Connor couldn't see his cards. Neither of them even noticed when Connor hung one hand off the couch and rested it on Murphys' knee.

Eventually they had to face the inevitable and redress Connors' wound, an interesting combination of Murphy being able to see it but being too afraid of hurting him to really do much and Connor being able to feel what he could handle but unable to see. After much longer than it really should have reasonably taken Connor was neatly bandaged and the whole debacle was out of the way for at least the next twelve hours. After throwing out the soiled bandaging Murphy peeked his head in the living room, "You just gonna sleep out here tonight?"

"Yea, it's easier."

Murphy disappeared into their bedroom and Connor bit his lip, resisting the urge to yell out to Murphy and ask if he would sleep on the other couch, he didn't want to seem too codependent despite the fact they both knew they were. Just as he had resigned himself to a night of fitful uneasy sleep Murphy reappeared with an armload of sheets, blankets and pillows.

"You didn't think I was gonna leave you out here alone did ya'." Murphy grinned as he began to set himself up on the other couch.

Both settled in for the night Connor cleared his throat meekly, "I know its stupid Murph, but would you read to me?" he looked innocently over at where his brother lay on the other couch.

"Are you just tryin' to make me look like a fool, cause you know I'm not used to this stuff." Murphy rolled over to look at him.

"No, I, I just still don't feel great." Connor hung his head and sighed, realizing what an idiotic thing he had asked.

"I will if you promise not to tell anyone."

"I promise. Just be glad I didn't ask you to help me shower…yet." Connor was forced to admit he would most likely need to shower before he was able to stand or walk on his own again, as embarrassing as it was.

"We had to bathe together for six years Connor, one more time isn't gonna kill ya." Murphy cracked the well-worn book open.

Once Connor had fallen asleep Murphy left the book on the table and nestled into the blankets, he really hoped Connor felt better soon, partially because it hurt him to see his twin in such a state, partially because he didn't know how Connor managed to do this over protective thing as often as he did, it was exhausting.

**Authors Note- I'm really on a roll with this lately aren't I :P here's just a slightly filler fluffy chapter because caretaker Murphy was too good to pass up, I decided to try something a little different and do a direct follow up to the last chapter but this is probably going to be the only two part chapter. Next chapter will definitely be more angsty/darker, i really like both your suggestions as well. Thank you guys for the congratulations too **** It's also nice to know 9kids managed to find a reliable source on which one of them has a better ass :P I guess Flanery does have that martial arts body, but you can't look at Reedus' arms and say he doesn't work out at least sometimes :P that's all I'll say on that matter for now ;)**

**In you guys opinions what book was Murphy reading?**

**And i rewatched the second one recently, and Connors line about knowing what heroin was, would that make for an interesting chapter? when theyre a little older of course, like 18-19**

**and while i'm asking opinions on these things, which one of their tattoos do you think they got first?**

**Funny story about reading 9kids review as well. I was in my theater class when I got the review email so I pulled it up and read it, and proceeded to burst into rather loud giggles over the discussion of their asses, this is after the teacher teased me thoroughly for my Daryl Dixon shirt before class started, (he watches the show and is totally forgiven for the teasing cause he's my favorite teacher I've ever had) and I couldn't come up with a decent explanation for why I was laughing so hard at my phone at 8 am. Seriously though I read all your reviews with this goofy smile on my face. My authors notes keep getting longer and longer but I thought I'd share that basically reedus and flanery's asses almost got me into trouble in theater :P**

**And reedusfan, yea this was initially just a oneshot (the first chapter) cause I wanted to write about the bond they have as children and how it hasn't changed, then you guys loved it so much I decided to write more and I really love it.**

**Last thing cause I clearly do not have anyone else to fangirl over saints/flanery/reedus with, I think even better than the rope in that whole scene was Connor pulling the knife out of Murphy's bag and calling him Rambo :P I honestly never noticed the tattoo switch though I was probably more distracted by other things :P you guys are awesome and I'm shutting up now.**


	10. The Brothers, Pain

**I just thought I should warn you guys in advance this one is a little intense and probably more of an M rated chapter at some points **

"Is that really your idea of well dressed Murphy." Connor groaned as he observed his brother, shirt rumpled, slacks slightly too short, tie looped around his neck like a noose as he apparently couldn't tie it, with only one shoe on as he dropped to the floor to search for the other under the bed.

"Is there something wrong with it?" Murphy looked up and cocked an eyebrow, hitting his head on the process he yelped, "Shit! Ow!"

"Yea, you look homeless." Connor sighed, "Take off the shirt and tie I have a spare, nothing I can do about the pants though."

"What's wrong with my pants?" Murphy glared defensively as he stood up with the wayward shoe in hand, finally located under Connors' bed.

"Nothing Murph just put this on." Connor tossed a crisply ironed shirt at him; Murphy fumbled and just barely caught it, struggling to free himself from the tangled mess of tie he had created.

"And now it's crooked, you're a mess Murphy." Connor sighed in exasperation as he unbuttoned Murphys' first few buttons and redid them properly, straightened his shirt and tucked it in and wrapped the tie around his neck, tying it deftly and pulling the knot tight at his throat. "Much better."

"I don't want to do this Connor." Murphy looked down at his shoes and scuffed one toe on the floor.

"Why not?"

"It's just weird, it's always been just us and Ma, we never knew dad and I don't want some guy coming in and actin' like he knows the first thing about us and our family."

"It is a little weird." Connor admitted. "But Ma's done a lot for us and we owe her this Murph. If he makes her happy we have to accept it. Plus at least we get good food out of it." Connor wrapped an arm around Murphys' shoulders and squeezed, smiling reassuringly. "We'll always be the men of the house."

Murphy reciprocated the gesture, his smile slightly shaky. "I just have a bad feeling about it."

"Just relax, he's probably a great guy, Ma has pretty good judgment on these things."

"Then how did she wind up alone with two boys who don't know their father? That sure sounds like great judgment."

Connor chose to ignore Murphys' last comment instead offering another hug as Ma yelled that it was time to go.

Their first impression of Jonathan McShane was just plain average. An average height man with average features and what would probably be an average personality. In all honesty the boys were more impressed with the restaurant itself, they didn't really get the chance to go out to eat often at all but even if they did the extravagance of the building would have floored them. They felt acutely out of place in their second hand dress clothes surrounded by people whose outfits for the night probably cost more than their apartment. Connor noticed with a mixture of distress and amusement that sometime between leaving their room and arriving there Murphy had managed to untuck his shirt, and his tie was crooked.

"It's wonderful to finally meet you two." Jonathan extended a hand to them, snapping them out of their awed admiration of their surroundings. They smiled cordially and shook hands, made obligatory introductions despite already essentially knowing names and sat down to what really was an uneventful dinner.

Connor thought he felt Murphy squirm uncomfortably a few times and wrote it off to Murphys' general unease in most social situations, not realizing the intense focus Jonathan had fixed on his twin.

"You should come by our house next weekend." Ma smiled as they said their goodbyes, nice to meet yous' and profuse thank yous' from both boys who had never been so full of good food in their lives, "It's not much but it's home. I'll make dinner, we can watch a movie or play games or something." Ma blushed as she realized how she was making herself sound.

"I'd love that." Jonathan smiled, with that they all went to leave, neither Connor nor Ma seeing the last odd grin that was thrown towards Murphy.

~X~X~X~

"I don't like the guy Connor." Murphy threw himself down on Connors' mattress; reluctant to get dressed when he'd rather hide in his room than interact with his mothers new boyfriend again.

"I thought he seemed nice enough." Connor threw a pair jeans at Murphy, not even entirely sure whose they were.

"He creeped me out, I didn't like the way he kept lookin' at me." Murphy mumbled

"Murph you don't like when people look at you period, you scowl at random strangers on the street just because there's a possibility they might be looking at you." Connor sighed and sat down next to him.

"Just don't leave me alone with him ok." Murphy blushed with embarrassment as the words crossed his lips. Connor shook his head, sure Murphy was being a little ridiculous but he already knew that he would stay with him anyway.

"Whatever you do Murphy don't you dare ruin this for Ma, it's been a long time since she's really seen anyone like this."

They boys casually played cards with Jonathan as Ma cooked dinner, having stubbornly refused any help to start with. Connor watched Jonathan curiously, attempting to discern what it was that made Murphy so wary of him and wasn't able to find anything even slightly unusual about the man.

"Connor come help me carry dishes for a minute." Ma hollered from the kitchen, Connor got up instinctively when he heard his name and saw a look of pleading desperation in Murphys' eyes as he got up. "Connor hurry up!" she yelled again. He broke his eye contact with his brother regretfully, despite having no reason not to trust Jonathan himself he still felt bad leaving Murphy when he had asked him not to.

Once Connor had left the room Jonathan scooted slowly closer to Murphy on the couch and rested a hand on his knee. Murphy shifted to the side as subtly as he could and hoped he wouldn't notice. The hand slide along his thigh, brushing uncomfortably close to the top of his inner leg. He was already at the edge of the couch he couldn't move any further without standing up, he didn't want to cause a problem, his heart was racing he didn't know what to do. The hand crept even higher between his legs, he wasn't even conscious of a whole person just that hand he didn't even want to let himself think about where it was now a single tear slid down his cheek as he felt himself respond to the touch suddenly he was aware of a grin as well where was Connor, Connor was supposed to protect him, Connor told him not to ruin things. The grin turned into lips, hot and wet on his as they forced his open, then the lips had a tongue against his teeth his blind fear and panic erased all feeling of the hand but he was still sure it was there in places that at only thirteen he barely knew himself, he didn't want to feel it he didn't know why he did in such a way, he was barely conscious of the sound of his zipper being slid down. He didn't even know if he'd put underwear on that morning. Where was Connor where was his brother he needed his brother.

"Dinner's ready." Ma's cheerful voice echoed from the kitchen several rooms away, breaking into Murphy's haze. Why couldn't she have said those words an eternity ago, if she had said that just been done with dinner faster she could have saved him from this, if she had called him instead of Connor to help, if she had come in to the room instead of just yelling she would have seen. Jonathan stood and walked calmly away while Murphy sank deeper into the couch trying to disappear completely. He felt filthy.

"Hey Murphy." Connor popped into the room, "C'mon dinner looks good tonight, Ma really pulled out all the stops." He smiled enthusiastically then furrowed his eyebrows "Your zippers down, I didn't notice before."

"Hm I guess I didn't notice." Murphy did his best to sound unperturbed as he zipped his pants with shaking hands. Connor looped an arm through Murphys' as they went to eat, totally unaware yet that anything had happened.

~X~X~X~

Murphy spiraled downward uncontrollably. His once stellar grades slipped abysmally, he barely spoke, he was nervous and constantly on alert, uncomfortable in his own skin. Connor tried desperately to talk to him, connect like they used to but couldn't even begin to get close enough. Murphy had effectively cut himself off from the world around him. It became routine for Connor to find him crying and shaking writhing in fear as he slept but he refused to discuss the cause or content of his crippling nightmares, as a result he barely slept any more. And to make things worse, too scared and embarrassed to tell anyone what had happened meant Jonathan was still around often, cooking with Ma, taking her to movies, playing catch with Connor while Murphy fabricated reasons to not be around, unable to handle the lecherous way he looked at him.

Lying in bed late one night Murphy ran his rosary through his fingers, questioning for what felt like the millionth time how god could have let this happen to him. Did it make him worthless to be touched like that by another man, or at all when he was too young to be married. Did god make exceptions for things like that? Or was he filthy and ruined and worthless for the rest of his life now. What had even really happened. Tears slid down his cheeks as he flung the rosary across the room, maybe the devil always won. He picked up an uncapped pen from his nightstand, not entirely sure what he was doing or why he began to draw on the soft flesh of his inner arm right at the top, a little devil, hidden from the world but clearly there.

The problems only escalated, school became hell, the more Murphy withdrew the more he made himself a target for the heartless, the more they said the more true he believed it was, until he started to lash out back at them. Suddenly Ma found herself at the school almost every day dealing with something Murphy had done, from vandalizing the boys bathroom to starting fistfights, but no matter how hard she tried she couldn't get to the root of the problem, he wouldn't willingly say anything and without even the faintest idea of what was going on she didn't want to push and make things worse. Every night she prayed that at least Connor could hopefully get through to his own twin. Connor watched what seemed like nothing more than a shadow of his brother drift aimlessly through his life with distance in his eyes. And every night Murphy drew that same devil on his arm.

He didn't know why he decided to get it tattooed; why he would want a reminder of things he wanted nothing more than to forget. Maybe he wanted to convince himself he was stronger than one event in his life, to carry his devil with him to remind himself he could survive anything. No matter what his reason was he did, without telling anyone, in a dingy tattoo shop in the heart of the city where no one asked questions or wanted to see an id despite his obvious youth.

Finally one day Connor couldn't take it any more, seeing Murphy in such a tormented, haunted way. He had come home with another black eye, his lip split again before it had even really healed from the last time and Connor grabbed his hands and dragged him down to sit on the bed regardless of the way he recoiled from the touch.

"What's been going on Murphy. You need to tell me I can see the way something has been destroying you, just tell me what, I want to help you Murphy." Connor kept a grip on his twins' sweaty cold hands. Murphy yanked them roughly away and stood up, without thinking taking his shirt off and reaching for his pajama pants, Connor caught a glimpse of the black ink and caught his arm again.

"What the hell is that Murphy?" Connor groaned, careful not to yell.

"It's nothing." Murphy diverted his eyes and looked down at the ground, all too aware of Connors' gaze on his arm. "Just a tattoo." He finally looked up after a moment and met his brothers' eyes.

Murphys' eyes brimming with agony and fear and disgust and self-loathing and sadness full of conflict; Connors' showing nothing but concern for his twin. Combined with the anxiety and worry emanating from Connor it was the last straw, something broke and Murphy started sobbing, grabbing onto his brother and sobbing, gut wrenching shoulder shaking sobs torn from the deepest parts of him as he slowly told him everything through his gasps. Connor tightened his grip on him with every word out of his mouth easing both of them down to sitting. By the time Murphy was done he was emotionally spent, lying lifelessly in Connors' lap, no longer crying barely even breathing.

"Why didn't you tell me Murphy." Connor felt his own tears warm on his face, falling into Murphys' hair, how could this have happened under his own nose without him even feeling something vaguely wrong why had he just laughed off Murphys' concerns.

"I just wanna be normal, I don't wan ta be a freak, I didn't want Ma ta know." Murphy murmured.

"You didn't do anything wrong Murph." Connor stroked Murphys' hair lovingly, his stomach in knots over what he had just heard. "I'm going to tell Ma right now and you aren't going to stop me." Connor slowly picked him up and laid him in bed, throwing a blanket over him haphazardly. Murphy didn't even have the strength to try to fight it.

Ma couldn't believe what Connor was telling her. But he had no reason to lie. And there was no denying it would explain Murphys' behavior for god only knew how long it had been at that point. As she sat and thought about it she realized there had been telling signs that something was off with the man she had chosen to trust that she had foolishly chosen to ignore. And now her stupid mistake had hurt her boys in ways she didn't know if she could ever fix. She drew Connor into a hug simply because he was the one within reach.

"Will he ever forgive me." She mumbled, hating to admit she had brought the man who did it in to their lives by her own choice.

"He doesn't blame you Ma. I really don't think he does. But you outta talk to him." Connor disentangled himself and left her to deal with things in whatever way she needed to.

~X~X~X~

Connor didn't have any idea when Murphy had managed to sneak off on his own again but one night when he walked into their room after a late night snack he noticed what appeared to be another tattoo, the word Normal scrolled over Murphys' heart. Connor couldn't help but rest his hand on it as he walked by, Murphys' heartbeat reassuringly strong underneath his fingers, subconsciously Murphy reached up and placed his hand on top of Connors', a small smile spreading across his mouth for what felt like the first time in years. His eyes fluttered open ever so slightly. "Hey Murph, next time you want a tattoo let's get one together." Connor whispered with a smile.

"Sure." Murphy mumbled, still holding Connors' hand over his heart.

**Authors Note- So here we are again, let me know what you guys thought of this one, especially if they seem out of character, it took a little while to get this one written and published but I hope you guys think it's worth it. Actually I decided I hated it three quarters of the way through but figured I'd post it anyway since I wrote it. This was pretty intense and I'm really very sorry if the content of this upset or offended anyone as well please feel free to speak out if it did. Please don't hate me for writing this, I didn't set off the offend or upset anyone but I can see how this might be a touchy matter to many people and if this came off as poorly done or tasteless and upsetting I'll take it down, but I hope I handled the subject well and it wasn't too graphic I'd hate to lose my readers over one chapter so I'm more than willing to take it down if youd like and completely re do it as something entirely different**

**The more i think about it the less i like this chapter so if anyone thinks i should take it down i won't be offended.**

** I try not to have bad things happen to one twin more than the other but I feel like these things keep having to Murphy without me even really noticing it :/**

**As far as this chapter is concerned, at some point I still wanted to do a chapter about ma dating a man who doesn't like one of the twins and treats the other like his own son, but would it not make sense to have another chapter of ma dating after this happened? Would they have to just be younger?**

** Whatwould you guys like to read next? I have my ideas and some from you guys still but I'd like to know what you'd like next, to steal a line from the boys about all saints day, this is the fans story :P**

**I feel like these long, rambling authors notes ruin the story and any emotion it elicits, and/or bore you or make me seem like an idiot but I did have a couple things I wanted to bring up.**

**I really didn't expect the response I got from this, and the computer issue isn't something I anticipated either, but if you guys are really loving and enjoying this as much as you say, I have a proposal, while I won't have a computer capable of writing and posting on, I will have enough internet access for tumblr, and I would say twitter but I don't have one, so if any of you have a tumblr and want to follow me for the next month I will post quotes and little tidbits from both this and my new fic for you guys. I hate to sound like a conceited person who's convinced her writing is all that and people are actually that invested in it, but if you guys would be interested in that let me know and I can give you my blog info. **

**And just some more random rambling, if this gets on your nerves just tell me and I'll cut my notes down to just the essentials, my best friend and I are having an epic boondock saints weekend (movies and panels) soon because I accidentally got her into it :p yay for accidental fangirls. Another fun fact about my writing. I write the whole chapter through without any planning, prewriting, or even reading back over any of what I wrote before I publish it, I just sit down and write through it even when I take a break in between parts of a chapter I don't re read it, I apologize for any errors because of this writing style but just thought I'd throw another little fun fact out there. Can one of you get me a link or at least the title of the video you mentioned of them talking about each others butts too :p And no i didn't get in trouble for laughing at it in class my theater teacher is pretty cool :P**


	11. The Brothes, Pain Extended Ending

**So I didn't plan on doing this, but 9kids had a point, and I do realize I kind of copped out on the ending of the last chapter because I was concerned about offending people and was considering not even adding it so I kinda just wrapped it up and submitted it because I thought it would wind up getting removed, so since it doesn't seem anyone wants to kill me for the last chapter here's an extended ending to the last chapter, I added it as a whole new chapter because I didn't know if you guys would see it if I just replaced the last chapter with a longer ending. Also this was written mostly at three am so if it needs to be changed to make more sense tell me.**

~X~X~X~

_"Why didn't you tell me Murphy." Connor felt his own tears warm on his face, falling into Murphys' hair, how could this have happened under his own nose without him even feeling something vaguely wrong why had he just laughed off Murphys' concerns._

_"I just wanna be normal, I don't wan ta be a freak, I didn't want Ma ta know." Murphy murmured._

_"You didn't do anything wrong Murph." Connor stroked Murphys' hair lovingly, his stomach in knots over what he had just heard. Connor slowly picked him up and laid him in bed, throwing a blanket over him haphazardly. Murphy didn't even have the strength to try to fight it._

A feeling of disgust, an all-encompassing rage towards the monster who had done such a thing enveloped Connor. Somewhere in the labyrinth of his mind was the slightest anger; even anger was too strong a word, at Murphy for not telling him sooner, as well as a sense of loathing directed at himself for allowing such a thing to happen, a feeling that if he had done something even a bit different that day then he could have saved his brother. He laid down next to Murphy and wrapped his arms around him, curling around his back he felt Murphys' fingers grasp his forearm as he buried his face in his brothers hair, he could feel Murphys' shoulders tremble and held him closer as if his body could protect his twin from all the terrible things in the world.

"I-is there something wrong with me Connor?" Murphys' voice quivered brokenly, "Did I do something?"

Connors fingers dug into Murphys' flesh as the questions registered in his mind, he had never felt such loathing pure hatred as he did in that moment, for some man, he didn't even deserve to be called a man, to come in to his family, fool his mother into trusting him, and then molest his twin, any one of those things was a truly despicable act.

"You didn' do anything wrong Murph, there's nothin' wrong with ya, we just can't help the things that happen to us sometimes. Don' blame yourself." Connor heard his voice crack as he spoke, aware of somehow managing to hold his brother even tighter, Murphy twisted in his arms and borrowed his face into his shoulder.

"But what did I do Connor why did I deserve this?"

Connor could feel Murphys' hot tears soaking the thin fabric of his shirt, unable to put a word to the intensity of the unfettered hatred and disgust flowing through him at the thought of what had been done. The only thing Connor could think of worse than being molested himself was for someone to make a victim of his brother.

"You didn' do anything Murph I promise. And you sure as hell didn' deserve it, no one ever deserves it."

"You don' think I'm disgusting?" Murphys' swollen tear filled eyes met Connors as he held on to him even tighter as though he was afraid he would suddenly change his mind and leave him.

"Never. There's nothin' you coulda done Murph." Connor rested his cheek on the top of his brothers' head, his tears shining as they coursed through his dark hair. Murphy fell silent where he lay emotionally exhausted, Connor could barely even feel him still breathing. Slowly Murphy drifted off to sleep still holding on to his brother.

Once he was sure Murphy was sound asleep Connor cautiously disentangled himself, stroked his hair one more time and lightly kissed his temple before he went to tell Ma, he knew it wasn't really his story to tell, but as far as he was concerned any crime committed against his brother was also an offense against himself, they had always been two sides of the same soul; and he knew it had taken all of Murphys' strength to tell him, he would never have the courage to tell Ma himself.

_Ma couldn't believe what Connor was telling her. But he had no reason to lie. And there was no denying it would explain Murphys' behavior for god only knew how long it had been at that point. As she sat and thought about it she realized there had been telling signs that something was off with the man she had chosen to trust that she had foolishly chosen to ignore. And now her stupid mistake had hurt her boys in ways she didn't know if she could ever fix. She drew Connor into a hug simply because he was the one within reach._

_"Will he ever forgive me." She mumbled, hating to admit she had brought the man who did it in to their lives by her own choice._

_"He doesn't blame you Ma. I really don't think he does. But you outta talk to him." Connor removed himself from her embrace and left her to deal with things in whatever way she needed to._

It took a few days for her to finally work up the courage and figure out how to address it, as well as fully process it herself. Ma knocked on the twins door lightly, "Murphy?" she called out.

"Come in." He mumbled, she opened the door slowly.

"Connor told me what happened."

"I know."

"I just wanna talk Murphy." She sat down at the edge of the bed where he sat with a book.

"About what." He closed the book and drew his knees up to his chest.

"I'm so sorry Murphy. I made a stupid mistake and you had to suffer for it and I just don't know how I could let such a thing happen." Ma shook her head slowly as she spoke, looking down at the sheets. "Please don't hate me Murphy." She mumbled ashamed.

"I don't hate you Ma, it's not your fault. None of us could have known." Murphy made the decision to remain silent about his suspicions he had harbored since the first night, no sense adding more guilt. He picked awkwardly at his sheets, he was so used to his intuitive relationship with Connor he sometimes struggled to communicate with other people, even his own mother.

"Murphy I just, I don' know what to do."

"You don' have to do anything Ma, just be careful who you bring home."

"I won' bring any one else who could hurt either of you in ta our lives. We're doin' fine ourselves."

"You should see people Ma, go out and date. We just need ta be more careful." Murphy fidgeted with the book in his lap, a sign he was done with the conversation.

"Maybe some day Murph. But I got two great men in my life." Ma smiled shakily and leaned forward to hug her son. Murphy did his best to smile reassuringly at her as she left the room.

He still wasn't fine despite what he said, but there was no reason to burden Ma with it, she knew it happened and that was all she needed to know. He didn't want to weigh her down and hurt her with what he really still felt just under his skin. How deeply he still hurt. That was what Connor was there for.

_~X~X~X~_

_Connor didn't have any idea when Murphy had managed to sneak off on his own again but one night when he walked into their room after a late night snack he noticed what appeared to be another tattoo, the word Normal scrolled over Murphys' heart. Connor couldn't help but rest his hand on it as he walked by, Murphys' heartbeat reassuringly strong underneath his fingers, subconsciously Murphy reached up and placed his hand on top of Connors', a small smile spreading across his mouth for what felt like the first time in years. His eyes fluttered open ever so slightly. "Hey Murph, next time you want a tattoo let's get one together." Connor whispered with a smile._

_"Sure." Murphy mumbled, still holding Connors' hand over his heart._

**Authors note- Hope that fixed the ending for you guys and elaborated nicely. **

**I noticed a few new reviewers, nice to see you guys around and thanks for reading: )**

**- I really hope you guys like what I do with the story with your little suggestions. I think it's about time the brothers get enrolled in a sport…or dance class… or kindergarten, but I do enjoy writing angsty more emotional chapters… as always any ideas are always welcome, i ****kinda just look through my idea list til I see one that just clicks and turns into a storyline so it's not always what I planned. Definitely expect more angst soon though, as well as why the boys don't play sports or dance. But mostly more angst probably (hopefully)****. i lie to k**eep the list of ideas pretty well stocked between my own and what you guys throw out there and I kinda just skim over it until one just jumps out at me and I know what to do with it, so the more the merrier.

**So if anyone is interested my tumblr account is clockwork-doll3, if you type that into the search it should come up under blogs, the title is Clockwork Dreams and basically everything I post is Norman Reedus, Sean Patrick Flanery, Boondock Saints, and the Walking Dead anyway, I'll use that to post little quotes and teasers for you guys while I'm computerless and to avoid them getting buried search for the tag Boondock Brothers Darling that's what I'll tag all of that with for you guys, if you hit the little blue button that says track after you search in the bar I think it'll make it easier to find again. If you need help figuring it out pm me on here and I'll see what I can do. I hope none of the occasionally weirder stuff I post weirds anyone out. Just in general please let me know if you guys are interested in it or need help with it so i know whats going on please**

**Also I'm putting together a list of good/funny panels and interviews with Norman and Sean for a Boondock Saints weekend with one of my best friends so if you have any suggestions leave the titles :P She wants to watch the movies with me since she's never seen them so we're just going to make an awesome weekend out of it :P Thanks for the links btw 9kids that was pretty awesome :P the best butt debate shall continue**

**And don't you dare cut down you're reviews reedusfan :P I absolutely love getting them it's really amazing to get some support for my writing and you always have such helpful things to say. It really is inspiring to read you guys reviews and know how much you enjoy my writing it really means a lot to me, like you should see the stupid smile on my face when I read them. And gotta keep the idea list well stocked for when inspiration hits or lacks so anything you guys think of just leave it here any time.**

**The book from a few chapters ago, I personally was thinking maybe where the wild things are since it was one of my favorites, or maybe alice in wonderland but I was more curious what everyone else thought that's why I left it open like that :P I mean I never really read a lot of "childrens" books I started reading Harry Potter in second grade :P**

**as always let me know what you thought : ) I'm glad these authors notes don't get on you're nerves :P I assumed they did because it makes the wordcount of the chapters look higher than it is :/**

**Love you guys and thanks always for the thoughtful reviews. If you want to do the tumblr thing let me know if not that's fine too just tell me either way so I know if I need to.**


	12. The Brothers, Birth

"Well Annabelle, from what we can tell right now it looks like twins." The young nurse smiled sweetly as she examined the display on the screen. Annabelle felt her heart drop to her toes. Twins. The word made her want to collapse into tears right there in the doctors' office. She had been struggling enough with figuring out how to cope with having one the thought of two had never crossed her mind. She hadn't even planned on having one and had finally been coming to terms with it only to have this dropped on her.

"Twins? Are you sure?" Annabelle tried to keep her voice steady; subconsciously she rested one hand on her still small belly.

"As of right now yes, there's always a small risk of one dying in the womb, but at the moment you appear to have two healthy babies." The sweet innocent smile stayed lodged on the nurses face, a gentle optimism and real happiness for Annabelle shining through her clear blue eyes, somehow missing the distress Annabelle felt scrawled across her face.

"I-I can't have twins." Annabelles' voice cracked, "I can't even have one. Is there any way you read it wrong." She felt tears begin to well in her eyes.

The nurse leaned even closer to the monitor, wishing she could tell the distraught woman she was faced with what she wanted to hear. She slowly shook her head. "Ma'am if you'd like I can send the doctor in to discuss aborting one of them but that's really you're only other option unless one is aborted naturally." The smile had fallen off the girls face, replaced by an odd sadness and sympathy for this woman who couldn't be much older than she was. "I need to send the doctor in anyway, there are some extra precautions that need to be taken with twins, she'll go through everything with you." The nurse began to gather her things, flipping her long blonde hair over her shoulder. She had known when she had taken to college classes, taken the job, that for every excited glowing young woman she saw there would be another broken by her lot in life. She squeezed Annabelles' hand reassuringly as she left the room offering one last sad smile.

Annabelle wrapped her arms around her belly, she was just starting to really show, she never would have guessed there was anything but the usually single pregnancy happening. She had briefly considered an abortion when she had seen the results of that first test, followed by several more just to sure. But she just couldn't do it, her faith wouldn't let her and even if that wasn't a factor she couldn't just kill her baby whether she could take care of it or not it was hers, she would have to figure something out no matter what. But was there really any way for her to take care of two? Would she be dooming them both to a miserable life? Could she really play god and choose which one of her boys would die to make her own life easier? In that moment she suddenly felt strongly they were boys, her boys. She realized she would never be able to look at one of them without seeing the ghost of the other that should have been. People said things about twins, weird things, she feared if she had only one he would know. Her mind was made up before the doctor even knocked on the door.

~X~X~X~

Annabelle had been told how difficult it was to carry twins, that she would probably be put on bedrest sooner rather than later, that she likely wouldn't be able to work, words like early labor, possibility of miscarrying one, and growth problems had been thrown around alarming casualness. But it hadn't really hit her until she couldn't see her own feet to put shoes on, not that she could have crammed her swollen feet into any of her shoes anyway. Lying back on her bed slowly she sighed, wrapping one arm around her bulging belly, much larger than it should have been at this point. Twins. The word still hit her with intense terror inducing force every once in awhile, reminding her how much harder things were going to be soon. She felt one of them shift and cringed, only to have it followed by what seemed to be the other one kicking violently. Damn no doubt these two were Irish. Maybe she should just stay there, she could get groceries later, or whenever her next craving hit, all she could do was hope it wasn't curry this time. Turns out not having a man wait on you wand and foot didn't change the intense need for occasionally odd foods; it just meant you had to spend three hours wandering South Boston by yourself in search of Indian cuisine you weren't entirely sure you'd ever had before anyway instead of having it delivered to you. Shit chocolate ice cream and Limes sounded good. So did mustard, but nothing to put mustard on sounded appealing, could she just eat mustard by the spoonful? With a sigh she heaved herself off of her bed, crammed her feet crookedly into the first shoes she felt, which possibly didn't even match not that she would know, also they felt like they were on the wrong feet. Adjusting her oh so attractive elastic waisted pants she set off to the grocery store to buy an obscene amount of strange foods. That was the only perk she had found to being pregnant so far, being able to justifying buying and consuming massive quantities of food combined in questionable manners without being judged. Because who was going to judge the young pregnant girl eating chocolate covered hotdogs outside by herself. Annabelle sighed, she was never going to be thin again.

~X~X~X~

Some nights Annabelle wished for nothing more than for her family to be a part of her life again, they had always been a close group but she had been cast out for her pregnancy, young and unmarried she was a disgrace to their faith and church. She had no doubt that once given some time they would welcome her back. But as she lay alone in the darkness writhing in pain as what felt like a full-fledged wrestling match went down inside her caught in an endless cycle of eating only to throw it back up and be hungry again, tears streaming down her face she wanted nothing more than _someone _to be there with her. She wasn't asking to be taken care of, just another physical body in her loft so she wasn't so damn alone. The last words she had heard from her mother ricocheted through her aching head, "Get outta my house you filthy whore. See if the man who did this to ya still loves ya now." The disgraced pitying look on her fathers face, her siblings eyes full of fear, the desire to step in and help her written all across their faces as she wrapped her arms around her belly trying to protect her baby should any blows come towards her. He really had loved her, she was sure, she understood why he had left her but that didn't make it any easier, she got money from him every few weeks but not really enough to live on, her doctors stretched her finances further than they could go but she couldn't take the risk of not going to them, her siblings had taken enough pity to send her rent money but not speak with her at all. What did she think she was going to do once she had these kids, doom them to her life of poverty and distress and missed meals and begging for pity from strangers there was no way she could give her boys a good life living like she was but what else could she do. Her tears fell faster and harder as she scrambled for some shred of comfort to hold on to, his arms tight and warm around her, her mother brushing her hair, his lips on hers, the way he held her close and whispered in her ear. Her silent tears became sobs as the parade of things she may never have again progressed. And for a moment she hated her twins, for what they did to her body, her relationships, her whole life. For ruining her.

~X~X~X~

So this was what labor felt like. Annabelle screamed in agony as another convulsion ripped through her, she laid on the floor on her apartment her phone seeming impossibly far away; not knowing what else to do she screamed for help fully aware in neighborhoods like hers pleas for help often went unacknowledged. Lucky for her, the woman upstairs had five children and knew the screams of a woman in labor all too well, calling for an ambulance and then calmly continuing to do the dishes, as uncaring as it seemed it was more than Annabelle could have expected.

"Hey Clara, don't leave yet." Another nurse grabbed her arm as she clocked out of her shift. "There's a young girl in C2M, she's having twins and she's totally alone, asked her who to call and she said no one would come. Go hold her hand or something I'd do it myself if I weren't on duty. I'd feel better if someone other than the doctor and assistants was in there with her, it just seems so cruel to leave someone by herself through that I'm sure she would appreciate it."

Clara smiled, "Sure." This was why she loved her job sometimes, as saddening as it was to see a woman by herself in the delivery room she liked to be able to offer some shred of comfort.

Annabelle gripped the hand of the petite girl next to her so hard she was afraid she'd break bones. She had no idea where the girl had come from or who she was, for all she knew she had imagined it in her delirium, but she was exceedingly grateful for her. Her mind was lost in a haze, she was barely aware of the doctors and other staff in the room bustling about through the fog of agony, she had never felt anything so excruciating in her life.

"I've never seen anything like it." The doctor muttered, the first words Annabelle had really been conscious of for what felt like a decent chunk of forever. She began to panic, had something gone wrong, was there something wrong with one of her babies was she being punished for what she had done.

"The second one is managing to hold on to the first one, he's got his ankle, that shouldn't even be _possible._"

Annabelle might as well have been passed out after that point, at least until the convulsing pushing sensation faded suddenly. She opened her eyes not even realizing she had closed them, the faces of her twins slowly swimming into her focus. And they were beautiful. Clear blue eyes looked into hers, she wasn't aware she was crying until she saw the teardrops splash against their faces. Her boys, in that moment every angry thought was forgotten, every little pain and discomfort worth it and totally justified, it should be painful to reach such joy and perfection. The real connotations of the word twins suddenly hit her, not the difficulty of raising two babies by herself but the strength of the bond she knew they would share, they would never live a single moment of their lives alone, they had been together since the moment they were conceived and nothing could alter that. It was a humbling thought to believe just minutes ago they had been nothing but cells inside her and now she held them in her arms as they gazed not only up at her but at each other as well.

They kept her in the hospital for what felt like longer than they needed to, they claimed it was another procedure used in multiple pregnancies but she had a sneaking suspicion they just pitied her knowing she had nothing and no one to go home to. She sat in the bed with one of her twins cradled in each arm, she couldn't bear to hold just one it felt horribly unfair to do so; when an elderly woman stopped and peeked in her open door. Annabelles' first reaction was to be irate; upset this woman invaded her privacy in such a manner.

"Beautiful boys, little blessings aren't they." The woman smiled in the peculiar manner of someone whose dentures didn't quite fit. "My daughter, she just had her first."

Annabelle felt her heart soften, "You can come in."

The woman pulled three roses, one white and two red from the bouquet she carried and busied herself finding a cup and filling it with water, setting the roses in with a spray of babies breath for presentation and leaving it on the nightstand. "No woman should be by herself at a time like this."

Annabelle felt still more tears well up, when had she become so emotional? "Would you like to hold one of them?" she asked with slight reluctance, unwilling to part with either of her sons but also wanting to share them somehow, have someone else know the weight of them in their arms, feel the life than ran through their tiny bodies, she would never admit it but she desperately wanted someone to share her joy, to want to share such a thing with her, to see her as the mother she desperately wanted to be not the single mother needing pity, to see her children as the godsend they were instead of a disgrace. She gently eased one of them, she was embarrassed to admit she wasn't entirely sure which, damn she would have to find a way to tell them apart, she was relatively sure the one with the slightly darker hair was Murphy, into the womans' arms. "They're beautiful." The woman cooed, despite knowing there was no way they could be conscious of such things yet Annabelle could have sworn she saw their eyes follow each other as one of the was moved. But then again, they were her little miracles.

Annabelle would look at her boys often and remember the feeling of perfect beauty and sheer uncorrupted love of seeing them for the first time; it gave every difficult day a new meaning, every hardship a new purpose, a new reason to live no matter how difficult things could get she had to pull through for her boys, she wanted them to be boys their father would be proud of when he finally met them. And years later she still had those roses.

**Authors' Note-Well this was supposed to be a short, quick chapter I'm not sure how it got so long. I hope no one is annoyed that it's more about ma than the boys themselves. I wanted to try getting into another characters life and head and mother's day made me think of this. I personally don't like children and generally prefer to avoid pregnant women to be completely honest with you guys so this is definitely writing outside my comfort zone so any critique is welcome and encouraged especially if anything seems wildly inaccurate. **

**Quick shoutout to reedusfan and 9kids, your reviews mean a lot to me, I'm too self conscious to let anyone outside the internet read any of my writing even my original stuff so most people think I'm not good at anything and it's just kind of amazing to get such encouragement : ) **

**and to anyone else whose ever reviewed or even just read my work thank you all so much for your support : ) every little sentence I get from you guys reminds me why I keep writing this.**

**Please if you haven't check out my new BDS fic Every Saint Has A Past and let me know what you think so I know if I should continue it. **

**And a quick, well quick is a relative term coming from me clearly, word on the Irish stereotypes I throw around in this story. Half my family is very Irish, we've only been in the states for two or three generations on that side and our family reunions are some of the most Irish events you'll ever see, more empty beer containers than most families generate in a year by noon, fights in the backyard, more kids than you can count that you don't totally know who they belong to and people staying the night because they don't even know how to get home. Needless to say this only happens every several years so everyone has time to forget what a mess it was last time and it sounds fun again. So I reserve some rights to throw around the occasional Irish stereotype :P **

**May 28****th**** is the last day I'll have a computer until I manage to buy one which should almost definitely be the middle of the summer hopefully early July at the latestm so any issues finding me on tumblr kind of need to be addressed by then by those of you interested. **

**Sorry you guys accidentally wind up with these weird rants about my life sometimes, it generally seems relative when I post it. And speaking of inaccuracies, a pregnant woman in my family once had chocolate syrup covered hotdogs topped in gummy bears for dinner once, so don't try telling me it's ridiculous :P As always just let me know what you think especially with this one since I don't really know what I'm doing I will admit. And if you have time and like this please do check out my new Saints story : ) you guys are all awesome. And reedusfan I suddenly understand how I have so many more views than actual visitors :P Also per an idea suggestion, maybe i just have a dirty mind but i can't come up with a reason for connor to like rope that isn't dirty and sexual and just generally naughty and or s&m kinky? if anyone has a normal idea please tell me**


	13. The Brothers, Da

"Please Anna, I'm beggin' ya, I jus' want ta see my boys."

Annabelle leaned against the counter, the glow of the moon filtering through the window illuminating all the housework she still had to do. "You just can't Noah. And they ain't your boys." She shook her head sadly, "I don' wan' them to think you left 'em, I'd rather they think their da never knew about 'em."

"They are my boys Anna, they're still so young, they won't remember, I just wanna hold 'em while I can." Noahs' voice cracked, he was surprised how emotional he had gotten, he hadn't quite realized how much this meant to him until that moment.

"You don't have a claim on them Noah, I carried the both of 'em inside me for nine months, felt their hearts beat in mine, I'm forty pounds heavier and hella exhausted every day of my life now. They are my whole life, sending money doesn't make you a father." Annabelle sighed, she didn't know if she was so opposed to Noah meeting the boys because she worried about their reactions, or her own at seeing him again.

"Do you know where you'd be without that money!" Noah bellowed, his hold on his temper slipped for just a moment, he fought the urge to groan knowing his slip up may well have just erased any progress he had made so far.

"Be quiet, I have ta deal with 'em if you wake 'em up." Annabelle hissed, loking over her shoulder towards the closed door to her, and her boys, room.

"Please Anna, just one day to meet 'em, I wanna be a father to them you know why I can't. I won't even stay the night, I just want to see my sons." Noah pleaded with her.

Annabelle tapped her fingers on her thigh, debating her options. On the one hand the boys really wouldn't remember and clearly it meant a lot to Noah, but she didn't know how she could handle seeing him again just to have him walk back out of her life. Accepting and understanding what he had to do to keep them safe logically was completely different than coping emotionally. "One day Noah, a few hours. And that's all you're ever goin' ta get until they're out from under my roof." Annabelle sighed, the words had been spoken, she couldn't take them back now.

"I'll be there this weekend Anna, I won't stay a minute longer than you want. I still love you." Noah murmured the last words so quiet even he could barely hear them; Annabelle tightened her grip on her phone. This was not what she needed, then or ever; she couldn't afford to let things get any more complicated. One of the twins made a high pitched sound she had never heard before, in a panic she hung up and ran out of the room, even if the sound turned out to be nothing it was sure to wake the other twin, her breasts ached at even the thought of another late night feeding times two.

~X~X~X~

Noah stood nervously on the doorstep, fist poised to knock but too afraid to actually do it. He hadn't seen Annabelle in so long, and in the back of his mind he had to admit he was irrationally worried about what his boys would think of him. He would never admit it to Annabelle in fear she would change her mind about letting him see them, but somewhere at the core of himself he felt like even though they were too young to really consciously know much they would recognize him in some way, surely there was some bond in their shared blood. With one last deep breath he knocked on the door.

Annabelle hadn't been able to decide if she needed to dress up, wanted to dress up was closer to the truth than need. She hadn't put any time into her appearance since the day she found out she was pregnant, between the extra weight and the permanent bags underneath her eyes she assumed it was a lost cause anyway. But part of her wanted to look as good as she possibly could for Noah, whether is was a desire to impress, to be able to say look how well I'm coping with these two infants by myself, aren't I as beautiful as I was the day you left me, she couldn't have told anyone what her motivation was because she didn't rightly know herself.

Opening the door she felt nothing but embarrassment despite her resolve. Her tiny, dirty apartment; her sad, pathetic attempt at dressing well, she was acutely aware of everything that was wrong in her life, of how she must appear to others. Noah smiled widely, "Annabelle, you look lovely."

Annabelle kept her eyes cast down at the floor. "Come in. I'd show you around but there's nothing to show."

Connor was sitting upright and looking around curiously from the blanket, which Annabelle had proudly noticed him doing on his own more and more lately, despite the fact he frequently used his brothers head for leverage. Murphy lay on his back where she had left him; he either hadn't figured it out yet or lacked motivation. There was also the distinct possibility Connor just pushed him back down in his own enthusiasm. She had taken to dressing them in different color palates for convenience in identifying them, Connor in black and navy, Murphy in white and grey, although it was becoming clear Murphy had darker hair. Her mind continued to wander along aimlessly down such paths as she did her best not to think too much about the current moment.

Noahs' eyes had lit up brighter than she had ever seen them at the sight on the twins, a startling softness and warmth melting away the constant coldness and worry his eyes usually carried. Connor looked down at Murphy and made an indistinguishable sound, as though asking why he was still lying on the floor. Noah approached them slowly, crouching lower the closer he got as though he was afraid to startle them. Connor had become so enthralled in getting Murphy off the ground he didn't even seem to notice, if he noticed he didn't seem to care. Attempting to use Connor to pull himself up Murphy used more force than necessary, ending in accidentally pushing him backwards and landing on top of him. Annabelle was ready to rush in only for the twins to just lie there calmly, accepting their current misfortune. Noah watched them, enchanted with every small movement they made. They had his eyes, that was something Annabelle could never deny to him.

"Do you wan' ta hold 'em?" Annabelle asked casually, masking her inner turmoil. This had been a mistake; she never should have allowed him to come. "Ya have to hold both though, they get finicky if ya only hold one."

Noah barely breathed as she nestled the twins into his arms, in that brief moment something shot through him. It felt like a family, the twins in his arms, Annabelles' hand resting on his arm as she leaned over them protectively. It was everything he should have been able to have. And she felt it too, he could see it in the way she looked at the twins in his arms, he realized she had probably never seen anyone else hold them, certainly not a man, it seemed like any signs of fatigue faded from her face, her body seemed as slim and youthful as it had when they met and she was once again vibrant. Realizing the thoughts running through both their minds Annabelle moved her hand a little more quickly than she really needed to, shattering the illusion.

"Can you take one for a minute Anna, I wanna get a good look at 'em." Noah looked up at her wanting nothing more than to admire his sons. Annabelle slowly lifted Murphy out of his arms and cradled him against her, Connors' eyes followed him the whole time as though he didn't want to let him out of his sight. Noah shifted Connor in his lap and took a good look at him. Connor reached forward and stroked his face; Noah beamed proudly and rested his own hand over Connors' where it still lay on his cheek, Connors' tiny fingers wrapped around his index finger. For a moment Noah thought he was going to cry but got it under control quickly. Murphy snuggled in her arms Annabelle averted her eyes from Connor and Noah to focus on him, hiding her conflicted feelings about the scene in front of her. "You wanna take Murphy for a minute?" she smoothed his downy hair where it stuck up oddly, no doubt once again Connors' fault.

Without even speaking Noah reached for Murphy, gently easing Connor back into Annabelles' arms, as they passed the twins from one to the other Murphy twisted and just barely touched Connors' foot.

"They look like you Anna, gonna be some good lookin' boys; couple 'a heartbreakers." Noah looked down at Murphy who promptly stuck one of his fingers in his mouth and began to chew on it. Annabelle set Connor back down on the threadbare blanket, "I'll make us some dinner, just play with the boys."

Noah set Murphy down gingerly next to his brother and knelt down on the floor with them. Annabelle found herself standing in the kitchen watching them, for some reason she didn't trust Noah with them, she didn't think he would do anything to harm either of them, it was just what she supposed was a residual feeling from never having left them out of her sight with someone else before. It was heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time watching the boys with their father, he was enamored with them, they enjoyed his playing with them, it was like having a complete family. But she also knew it would never happen again, would never be possible he would leave again and she couldn't let him see them again, one day of this and then never again. It broke her heart to see them together knowing they would go so long without knowing him, but there was something enchanting about the light in Noahs' eyes as he watched and interacted with them. Eventually whipping up some quick stew, mostly canned soup not that she would admit it to Noah, she wandered back in to the living room with it. Just in time to see Connor seemingly swat Murphy despite knowing there was really no way they could do or think such things at their age. Murphy fell over and she couldn't help but giggle, Murphy really just didn't have the coordination Connor did sometimes, but it always seemed like Connor had grander plans for himself than his tiny body was actually capable of. Righting Murphy she set Noahs' dinner down and joined him on the couch.

Empty dishes abandoned on the end table, the twins playing quietly with each other, Noah feeling more content than he had in a long time he didn't really think things through before he leaned forward and kissed Annabelle. She didn't even think to resist him, falling in to their usual rhythm, his arms held her tight, tangled in her hair, her eyes fluttered closed, his fingers traced her back, she leaned into him and he fell backwards, pulling her on top of him. Tears began the stream down her face as she finally pulled away, falling onto the floor next to the couch trying to get off of him Annabelle wiped her eyes with her hand, not even shifting from where she had fallen. "You need to go now Noah."

He watched her sadly, regretting what he had done but also wanting nothing more than to pull her back. But he had given up being part of her life; he had to. Eyes cast down he stood. "Can I have a picture of them Anna?" He murmured. She pulled a battered second hand photo album out from a drawer in the end table, barely even looking at the picture she pulled from the sleeve and handed him. He took one last look at the scene in front of him. His twins sleeping on the floor together, Annabelle where she sat watching them. He opened the front door and stepped out, out of the warmth of her and her life, the warmth of his babies in his arms, out of their lives for lord only knew how many years back into the ice coldness of the life he had chosen for himself long ago, before he realized what else his life could have been.

**Note-I was going to post this for you guys last night but Blackhawks semi final game was on, then I was on a tornado watch for several hours. Let me know what you think, I know you guys don't really like the chapters like this but I liked reedusfans idea of doing Noahs point of view on everything. I promise it will be back to the brothers and their shenanigans soon I have two different chapters I'm working on now, as well as starting the next chapter of every saint has a past. Also the amount of pregnancy and child rearing websites I've checked for the last two chapters is probably going to make people a little suspicious :P As always let me know what you think and what you'd like to see at some point, I hope you guys like what I do with the little ideas you give me. It's always nice to hear from you guys I really enjoy writing this. Lots of love for you guys : ) hope you enjoy reading all this as much as I enjoy writing it, If i post too often let me know if you'd rather there be more of a schedule, I'm basically trying to get as much of what i really want to write done in the next few weeks as i can and if it seems like the quality of my writing is suffering from it let me know. As far as these notes getting into my mind, well that might be a scary place :P And I'm still wildly miles out of my comfort zone here so if anything just doesn't seem right don't hesitate to tell me. once again lots of love to all my readers**


	14. The Brothers, Insecure

It was slowly becoming harder and harder for Murphy to be around or even see Connor. It seemed like every time he so much as looked at his brother he was being outshone. Connor was classically handsome, well built, did well in school, everything about him seemed to be viewed through the lens of perfection, he excelled without even trying at anything he put his mind to; he was the quintessential golden boy. Connor could do no wrong in anyones' eyes, without even trying he just exuded confidence. Being twins they were constantly scrutinized and compared to one another despite the clear differences between them. And Murphy was slowly falling further and further into the shadows Connor cast without even knowing it.

He supposed he had probably always lived his life in his brothers' shadow and just never noticed it before; Connor had always been the friendly outgoing twin. Meanwhile Murphy had been blissfully unaware of the way he faded into the background, always looking up to Connor, looking to him for guidance, looking to him for even the simplest advice. Never realizing that no one really saw him there behind Connor until recently.

Once he had taken notice of one small incident he hadn't been able to stop noticing and it tore him apart. They were twins, how could one of them be so much better than the other. The more he wrestled the issue the more Murphy realized he didn't even really know how to become his own separate person away from his brother. Connor was better looking, friendlier, less spastically temperamental, it was like he had wound up with all the desirable traits leaving not a single damn thing for his overly emotional, shy, quick tempered brother. Murphy certainly wasn't blind to his faults, if anything in his acknowledgment of them he only emphasized them, turning the smallest imperfection in himself into a glaring flaw to the point it defined him. There was nothing in the world he could do that Connor couldn't, and everything they could both do it seemed Connor was better at. What made it worse was the fact that despite all of that his brother still meant the world to him, was his world. He was like an extra in a film; only there to support the main part, uncredited in the back they needed him but he wasn't important enough to be known as anything on his own; he was just an extra role in the movie of Connors' life.

Murphy leaned in slightly closer to the mirror trying to smile and managing more of a grimace than anything else; he wiped a tiny spot of pasta sauce from the corner of his mouth with disgust. He was such a pig. He brushed his hair to one side then the other as if it would make some kind of difference, embarrassed he swept his hair back like Connor did, hell no he didn't have the facial structure for that. He left his hair flopped where it was and moved on to his face. His eyes were bright blue, that counted for something right? Even if he did look perpetually tired. His nose, not much to think about there just a nose, his lips, dry, too thin and just not appealing, he tried to smile again, some of his teeth were crooked, they could use a little whitening, his whole face was just soft, he lacked the defined jaw and cheekbones that seemed so desirable. Something about his ears didn't look right either, he sighed as he continued to stand and look at his reflection. He was skinny too, he thought as he backed up from the mirror, not a lot of muscle.

It didn't stop with the perceived physical flaws either. He wasn't overly friendly or outgoing, more of an emotional hothead. In other words he was a problem. That was the only possible way he could explain the way Connor watched out for him, he felt obligated to keep his stupid brother out if trouble, he was nothing but a liability and inconvenience. It made sense that in a set of twins one would just be better than the other, one with all the good genes and one stuck with the leftovers, like an accidental twin that was only there to house the negative aspects so the intended child didn't have to be burdened with them, he was a shadow in every sense of the word. Hell he probably just made everything more difficult for Connor and his Ma, what was the point in his being there anyway. He would have to be blind not to see how Ma had struggled to raise the two of them, his life he had watched her fight for every scrap of food and clothing they needed, needing twice as much as the other single mothers, had seen her skip meals so her boys would be well fed, heard her beg relatives on the phone to please help her, that no one had to know they had even talked, that they could hate her for what she had done but how could they hate her innocent sons. Her life would have been so much easier with just one of them. Would probably still be easier with just one whether she had managed to get things in order for them or just gotten better at hiding the sacrifices she made.

Murphy found himself in front of the mirror at least once a day if not more often, staring intensely at his own face and picking apart any tiny flaw he could find, somehow finding even more each day. He found himself standing in the shower longer and longer as time went on, despite knowing they could barely afford hot water, staring at his body through the steam, thin arms, no definition in his legs, the way his waist curved in like a girls, the absolute lack of any kind of definition or muscle. On days he was feeling particularly uncomfortable with himself he showered with the lights off in the pitch darkness, barely touching his own skin as he washed himself. After any particularly long amount of time spent locked in the bathroom Connor would wink at him, stick his tongue out, raise an eyebrow knowingly, guessing the extended trips were for only the most typical teenage boy reasons. The truth was Murphy was pretty sure at that point he didn't have a sex drive of any kind, not that any one else would want him anyway, but he wasn't even embarrassed that Connor thought that was how he spent his time, it was better than telling him the truth, more normal.

Connor had never been so confused before, usually he could get at least some feeling of what was wrong with Murphy, he had seen him through so many struggles already in their short lives he always knew when something was wrong with his brother even if he initially didn't know how to approach the situation he knew. But his behavior had gotten so bizarre. He was always locked in the bathroom and Connor couldn't even guess what he was doing half the time, surely no one actually needed that much alone time for that. He was even more socially withdrawn than usual, barely even lifting his head to see his surroundings anymore. As much as it hurt him Connor couldn't find anything he could do at the moment, he would rather wait even if things would get worse, than rush in now with basically no idea and possibly make the problem even worse.

Even their teachers seemed to unintentionally favor Connor, praising his work more often even in assignments they did together, spending more time working with him to make sure things were perfect, Murphy felt lucky to get papers back with a grade on them. On top of everything else was he stupid too?

Eventually Murphy had enough; he could see he was not needed at home, if anything not being at home would make his brother and Mas' lives easier. It wasn't the standard childish notion of running away; it was a serious consideration to just disappear into the streets for the good of the only people in his life. He was tougher than they realized he could make it on his own somehow, between him and Connor they were darkness and light, if he left only the light would remain. While Connor was out of their room one day he began to pack, having already given serious thought to what he would need. Lighter, box cutter, wallet, underwear just because the thought of not having them frankly grossed him out, spare longsleeve shirt since it would be cold soon, mouthwash for easy hygiene, on a sentimental whim he swiped a framed photograph of the three of them and crammed it into the bag. Staring long and hard at the innocuous black backpack on the floor he sighed, he would wait a few more days.

His favorite black printed pullover, well-worn boots since they were the sturdiest shoes he owned, the first pair of jeans without holes he had found, soft navy t-shirt. Murphy looked around the room one last time as he looked in the mirror once again. Comfortable was what was important right? He really didn't know when he'd get to change again. He took one last long look at Connor where he slept soundly with no idea he was leaving, blissfully ignorant. Surely he wouldn't be upset for long. Throwing on a beat up Bruins baseball cap as a last addition Murphy shouldered his bag and slipped quietly out the door, disappearing into the dark.

He liked to think he knew his city rather well, he walked around the streets every day, but it was a whole different scene by the light of the moon and the few working streetlamps. It would be easier to formulate a plan by the light of day but he needed somewhere to spend the night. Eventually he made his way to the neighborhood bar, Mcginty's, the man who ran the place, went by Doc if he remembered right, was nice enough, fond of both him and Connor, he frequently gave them free sodas when they wandered in looking for somewhere to kill time, no doubt he'd rather find Connor sleeping in his alley but it was the only logical place he could come up with at the moment. Naturally the bar was still bustling but that only made it easier for him to creep past into the back alley, luckily there was no one back there at the time but there was no guarantee no one would appear. Stripping his hoodie off he balled it up and placed it on top of his bag, curling up in the minimal shelter behind the empty dumpster. Eventually he managed to doze off into an uneasy sleep.

Connor woke up feeling vaguely uneasy without really knowing why. Rolling over in bed he slowly started blinking his eyes open. After waking up to the same sight every day of his life it was immediately obvious when something was off. He had never rolled out of bed so fast in his life as he had when he saw Murphys' empty bed. The most rational explanations ran through his mind at first, he was in the kitchen eating breakfast, in the bathroom, had simply gotten up early. But Murphy didn't do early, ever, for any reason, there hadn't been a single day Murphy had gotten up before the alarm, hell he didn't even get up at the alarm half the time. Panicked he rushed out of his room, skidding into the kitchen where Ma sat nursing a cup of strong black coffee. "Ma have you seen Murphy?"

Ma looked vaguely confused as Connor stood in the middle of the apartment in his underwear looking frantic. "Isn' he asleep in your room?" She raised an eyebrow; there was nowhere else he could be. Connor slumped into a kitchen chair, "No, he's not."

Murphy really hadn't slept well, the sunrise waking him earlier than he would have thought he was physically capable of getting up. He was quick to realize what a lucky coincidence it was when he heard the back door of the bar open and voices coming closer. Curling in as small as he could he wedged himself halfway between the wall and the back of the dumpster, the voices got even closer, there was a clanging sound and a crash as something landed in the dumpster, then he breathed a sigh of relief as the voices receded back eventually disappearing back into the building. Stretching out his stiff muscles and hefting his bag once again he stood, it was time to come up with a real plan of action, starting with where he could find some food. Without much more thought than that he started towards the small area of town where the farmers market usually set up, some vendors were present all week.

"Don't bother callin' the police Ma, I can find him." Connor crammed his feet into his shoes hastily, shrugging on a coat that might not even have been his, pulling jeans haphazardly over his shoes. "If someone had done something to 'im I woulda woken up, he musta just…left for some reason." Connor grabbed a house key off the hook by the door, throwing his rosary on as he passed by, "I promise I'll be back by dark Ma, just don' worry ok."

Connor really didn't know where Murphy would have gone, or why. He should have tried to talk to him sooner, he needed to be less passive when it was clear something was wrong. Boston was a huge city, but Murphy only could have gotten so far in the amount of time he had, the problem was he could have gone any direction, he was sure to stay in the Irish areas at least, he was comfortable there. With little else to go on Connor set off in the direction it seemed Murphy was most likely to have gone from their front door, towards McGinty's considering it was on the way to the area of town they were most familiar with. Pausing for a moment he looked up at the sky, muttering a quick prayer to find his brother safe and soon.

Murphy stuffed a piece of warm bread in his mouth, savoring the warm flavors, either no one there kept a good eye on anything or he was sneakier than he thought. Maybe that was something he would be good at, fat lot of good it would do him. Bag stuffed with as much food as he had been able to get his paws on he realized he really didn't know what to do with his time. And if he was going to be totally honest with himself, he missed Connor already. But surely Connor hadn't spared a moment to miss him, if he'd even noticed he was gone. His only option really was to just wander about until night fell again, he didn't really have to do anything other than survive any more, and even that wasn't too difficult yet. Eventually he wound up at the public library, a run down building in need of a little, or a lot, of love, but no one would question a teenager with a backpack there at least; and he'd have something to do. Nestled in a beat up armchair in a distant corner he cracked open the cover of the first book his hands landed on. He would go back to Mcgintys' when it started to get dark again, it was still early yet but he felt better to have a place to sleep in mind, and Mcgintys' was at least mostly familiar, even if he did have to worry about someone mentioning to his family they had seen him there. Temporarily it was as good a solution as any.

Connor canvassed the city as thoroughly as he could, going only so far in one direction before turning around and trying another with no real rhyme or reason. He felt lost, he had no idea what he was doing or where to look, his brother had never felt so far away, whatever it was that tied them together had never seemed so broken and distant. He didn't have a clue why Murphy would run away, they told each other everything it was hard to believe he would do such a thing without even a vague mention of it coming up. Every brunette boy in the street seemed to be Murphy for a brief moment; it was a desperate crushing blow every time he realized it wasn't. He stopped at a payphone briefly to tell Ma he was all right and still looking, then hung up before she had time to argue with him.

The closer to darkness it got the more despair crept in, Murphy could easily be miles away and clearly didn't want to be found, and he had to make it home before Ma worried herself sick, they would have no choice but to get the police involved the next day. Finally having to start towards home Connor decided to stop in at Mcgintys' for just a minute, maybe one of the regulars had seen Murphy, it was a place they both knew where people knew them.

"Rootbeer for ya Connor?" Doc called from the end of the bar as he saw Connor enter, "It's getting' late for you to be out here. Never seen ya without your brother before either." Doc handed him the glass bottle and Connor sipped it gratefully. The last comment Doc had made illustrated their situation perfectly, they were the MacManus brothers, they were a pair, together, if you saw one the other was right there. If they weren't together all anyone noticed was one was missing.

"He's gone Doc, woke up this mornin' and he wan't there, have ya seen 'im?" Connor rubbed his eyes like a tired child, briefly wishing he could convince Doc to just give him a beer.

"Thought I saw a boy in the alley last night, didn' see close enough to know if it was Murphy." Doc spoke slowly, not wanting to give him any false hope but not wanting to skip over any potentially relevant information either.

"Can I go look?" Connor looked up, hope glittering in his eyes for the first time all day.

"He'd be long gone by now." Doc shook his head sorrowfully.

"Please can I just look, I just, if he was there I'd know." Connor blushed at how ridiculous it sounded.

"I'm not goin' stop you." Doc got up to respond to a request from another patron.

Connor stepped out into the alley slowly, afraid of what he might find, or not find. "Murphy?" he called quietly, hopefully despite knowing there was little chance Murphy would be there, even if he had been the night before.

Murphy shifted where he had once again settled in by the dumpster for the night. Fitting, the thought flitted lazily through his mind, fitting to be seeking shelter with the trash when you are trash. For a moment he could have sworn he heard Connors' voice call his name and groaned, he had not been gone long enough to already be hallucinating like this. Not to mention how hard he was trying to convince himself he didn't miss him at all.

Connor stood silently outside the alley door, he could have sworn that he heard someone groan, someone shift. The shifting could have been any variety of animal, but the other sound had been distinctly human. "Is someone out here?" he called, still keeping his voice low, even if it wasn't Murphy he couldn't in good conscience leave someone out there.

It had to be Connor, there was no way he was still imagining it. Murphy sat up slowly and drew his knees to his chest, the dumpster had been pushed back too close to the wall for him to hide behind it again. He pulled the hood of his jacket up trying to cover as much of his face as he could and put his head down, trying to blend in and dissolve into the shadows.

Connor heard another sound, he crept slowly into the alley, nearing where the sound seemed to have come from, he peeked behind the industrial dumpster behind the bar. Unless he was seeing things there did seem to be a person huddled in the mess. It could very well be any bum in the South Boston area, but he just had a _feeling _that it wasn't, he couldn't live with himself if he didn't check. He placed a hand lightly on the forms shoulder, the head came up ever so slightly, a pair of familiar luminous blue eyes peered out from under a black hood.

"Murphy." Connor breathed with relief, "Murph." He tried to throw his arms around him and was surprised when he didn't respond. It was Murphy, he knew those eyes, he recognized the jacket, so why wasn't he responding. "What are you doin' out here, what the 'ells goin' on." Connor realized with embarrassment his voice was thick with tears.

"I left." Murphy still didn't look up enough for Connor to see his face.

"Obviously." Connor growled, "But why Murph, I've been worried sick and so has Ma."

"Didn' think you'd miss me anyway." Murphy mumbled, chewing his lower lip.

"Wha' the hell Murph why in the world would you think that?"

"Because I'm just an accident, no one needs me." Murphy finally gave in and looked up, resting his chin on his knees.

"If you're an accident so am I, we were a two fer one deal Murph, when Ma didn' even want one." Connor shook his head as he tried to figure out where Murphy was coming from.

"You're everything good out of the two of us Connor, the looks the talent the social skills. You got everything; I'm just extra, just here. You don't need me around. You're the one everyone sees." Murphy couldn't quite meet his eyes. "I figured you'd be better off without havin' ta keep an eye on your hothead brother."

Connor sighed; Murphys' solution to just about everything was to assume he was the problem. "What makes you think that Murph."

"I'm not blind. I see how people look right at you and right over me. There's nothing I'm good at that you aren't better at. I'm just inferior so why stick around."

"Everyone sees' you Murphy, everyone sees' _us_, if ones there so's the other. No one looks at us and thinks there's Connor and the other one, no ne thinks oh one of them is so much smarter. They see us, brothers."

"You're the one they notice Connor, I'm jus' there in the background, you're better looking, more social, smarter, they see you. I'm a shadow."

"We're goin' ta be totally honest here Murphy. I've always been jealous of your nose, your cheekbones, the dark hair. And I wish I could _feel_ the way you do, every emotion you have is right there under the surface bubbling up, it's really quite intense Murph." Connor reached out and rested a hand on Murphys' knee.

Murphy just shook his head. "Just stop trying to make me feel better."

"Nothin' but the truth Murph."

"I'm just inconvenient, you always have to watch out for me because I'm just a fuckin' disaster, all I do is screw shit up."

"Do you have any idea what my life would be without you Murph. There'd be no purpose to anythin' if you weren't around. I like to look out for you; I like your temper, you keep me on my toes. Neither of us is greater or lesser than the other, we're twins, equal. It would be boring without you, boring and lonely. Of course we aren't good at the same things, we balance each other out, I think, you feel, and together we get shit done, that sums us up Murph, we need each other to keep that balance, I'd be missing a huge chunk of my personality if you weren't around, and maybe you never thought about it but you would be too."

Murphy lightly placed his hand over Connors' where it rested on his knee. Connor smiled warmly at him, glad to notice he had finally looked up to talk. Murphy smiled unsurely, halfheartedly back, Connor grabbed his arm and yanked him forward, pulling him into a hug. Words couldn't describe the relief that flooded through him as he felt Murphys' arms come up and wrap around him in return.

"I'd love to trade places with you one day Murph, see our lives through your eyes."

"Clearly all my eyes do is fuck things up."

"You see things I don't and sometimes you just don't know what to do with them. That doesn't mean they aren't worth seeing."

Murphy leaned his face into Connors' shoulder. Connor rested a hand on the back of his head. "I'm always jealous of your shoulders too. If we switched places I'm sure it would all be the same story. We're enough the same that we're twins, and different enough to need each other. I don't know how I'd function without that."

Murphy stayed silent where he was, simply leaning into his brother, feeling their hearts beat and their chests rise and fall.

"We need to get home Murph, Ma's worried sick." Connor stood and offered a hand. Murphy hesitated for a split second then took the hand and hauled himself up, grinning widely.

Doc realized later that night he hadn't seen the MacManus boy come back in, he hoped he was alright, he should of warned him about the raccoons they were getting to be as big as bears out there. As long as he'd found his brother he'd be alright, really he pitied the raccoon who tried to get in the way of that reunion.

**Note-So here we are again since I apparently have nothing better to do with my time on a Friday night than write fanfiction. I feel like style wise this doesn't fit in with the other chapters, however it's easily the longest thing I've posted here. Just let me get on my pedestal and defend myself for a moment. Men are just as physically insecure as women, it's just largely ignored and demeaned sadly, leaving a lot of men, especially teens and young men feeling awful not only about their appearance but awful about feeling that way. It's not a woman's problem like people try to make it out to be and that kind of generalization only causes more problems, considering that kind of insecurity is a huge issue for a lot of people and everyone has struggled with it at some point, even if others tell them they're attractive or fun or whatever else they don't believe it half the time, I know I don't sometimes. People always compare themselves to others and even compare random strangers to each other in every aspect of life and I can only imagine it's worse for twins who are usually expected to be exactly the same or completely and totally different. If anyone thinks two teen boys wouldn't have that "Deep" of a conversation just go ahead and tell me. That said the first paragraphs of this are in no way meant to represent my views of Norman Reedus or Murphy MacManus it's simply how he's viewing himself at the time, none of the physical traits used as examples are reflective of what I think of them so please don't be offended or irritated or how dare you talk about them like that. All I hope is that at least some of my chapters get the emotional depth I do my best to portray.**

**This is kind of a combination of a few different ideas I've had chucked my way. And a lovely comparison of the twins personalities that came about in a conversation on tumblr. Connor is the housewife in this relationship, the practical one who does what needs to be done. There's not a single clean dish in the house, Connor washes the dishes, Murphy just goes and buys new dishes. This about sums them up should anyone need the dynamic between them explained as far as I'm concerned**

**And thank you so much for saying my stories had some kind of realism, that's always my biggest concern, that my writing doesn't read as real or believable. I initially planned on posting this right before losing my computer since I thought it would be a nice angsty treat for you guys and would take awhile and I didn't plan on finishing it so quickly. So I hope you enjoy : ) Then I almost got sent to counseling at school for a short story for english class which I guess I'll take as a compliment. Still working on Chapter three of Every saint as well, hopefully making it a priority now that this chapter is done. **

**It's not my kind of music at all usually, but the song Warrior by Demi Lovato really fits the last few chapters I've written if you'd like to listen, I pretty much had it on repeat with this chapter. I considered posting playlists before but decided against it since they would just be weird and long. Keep the ideas coming if theres anything you really want to see since the whole posting situation is so subject to change but right now it looks like May 28****th**** is the start of an unwilling hiatus. Another little fun fact, I don't read over anything I write until a few days later after it's posted for awhile, or else nothing would get published and things would get deleted all the time. I'll end my unnecessary rambling with a favorite writing quote of mine, claims its Ernest Hemingway (whom I don't even like) but I never know who really says the quotes on the internet.**

**~There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at the typewriter and bleed.**


	15. The Brothers, Crash

By some miracle Murphy had managed to pass his drivers test with flying colors on the first try, while Connor had made a few small mistakes that amounted to a big failure. As much as Murphy wanted to rub it in his brothers' face he wasn't quite enough of a jerk to do so as he could see how much it bothered him, so he settled for just not mentioning it other than to offer to drive with him. Not that they were ever really going to be able to take the beat up family car themselves anyway, Ma needed it for work.

"Hey Ma, can we have the car to practice if we drop you off at work tonight? We'll pick ya up on time I promise." Murphy smiled crookedly with enthusiasm, glazing over the fact only Connor needed to practice.

Ma stood still and thought about it for a moment, weighing the pros and cons of trusting her teen boys on their own with the car for the night. As much as she wanted to formulate the most disastrous possibilities she had to admit the chances of them partying drinking having sex or generally gallivanting about town causing trouble were rather low.

"Fine, but you boys better not be a minute late when I get off work tonight or else I'm jus' gonna assume yer up ta no good." Ma sighed as she gathered her things.

"Hey Connor c'mon, Ma said we can have the car tonight we just gotta take her to and from work." Murphy grinned with infectious enthusiasm as he poked his head through the door to their room, clearly just excited at the thought of having the freedom to do what they wanted for even a few hours, figuring as long as one of them could drive legally they were set.

Connor sighed imperceptibly, he wouldn't admit it to Murphy but the fact he had failed his test still stung, they were both intelligent enough for failure to be an infrequent issue. And without even meaning to Murphy seemed to wind up flaunting his own success. "Jus' go drop Ma off for now, we'll do somethin' in a little bit after you get back."

Murphy looked puzzled as to why Connor lacked the same earnestness he had at the prospective adventures they could have together. "O-k?" Murphy paused for a moment longer still trying to figure out what was going on while also giving Connor the chance to decide to come with after all. "Guess I'll be home about thirty minutes then."

As Murphy stuck the key in the ignition even Ma found it a bit odd that Connor hadn't bounded out energetically to join them. She considered asking but decided against it, there were quite a few odd unspoken rules agreements and general politics between twins, she had learned quickly it was best to let them work things out themselves without getting involved unless she had to, sometimes she felt more like a babysitter or referee than a mother.

Murphy wasn't sure he had ever actually been in the car completely alone, it was generally odd to be anywhere without Connor but after having spent all of their time learning to drive with each other in the car it was almost eerily quiet. Tapping his fingers on the steering wheel erratically he reached for the radio, it only worked occasionally and even when it did it tended to be more static than music but at least it was some kind of noise to break the still silence. With little to do other than peruse his own thoughts he never saw the headlights until the impact.

Connor paged absently through the newspaper that had been abandoned on the kitchen table. He was starting to feel uneasy, Murphy should have been home by now, he was bored why hadn't he just gone with, surely Murphy had more than enough time to have dropped Ma off and made it home by now, he wouldn't go off on his own would he, he was worrying unnecessarily right? Connor picked up a pen and filled in one of the crossword answers, sticking the top of the pen in his mouth he chewed on it nervously. He felt like he worried too much sometimes, but it seems like bad things happened when he didn't worry enough. The phone began to ring, echoing throughout the empty apartment, amplified in the silence. Connor considered not answering it when a bolt of intense, sharp apprehension shot through him; he almost doubled over at the sensation. He picked up the receiver fearfully just as it was about to stop ringing, his hands trembled, "Hello?" his voice shook.

"Is this the MacManus household?" the voice sounded crisp and clear. Clinical. Connors' heart beat faster.

"Yes, Connor speaking." He leaned against the wall for support.

"This is the Mercy Hospital to inform you of an accident. We have a Murphy MacManus here in emergency surgery we're trying to contact his next of kin."

Connors' breath caught in his throat, his heart was about to fall out of his chest and shatter into thousands of pieces, he slumped against the wall no longer able to carry his own weight, the phone almost slid out of his hand as he tried to keep his grip he held it so tight it felt like it was about to break. "I'll be right there." He wasn't even sure he hung up the phone as he sprinted out the door, he couldn't shake the feeling it was his fault, if he had been in the car maybe something would have been different. Maybe he would have been driving, maybe he would have seen whatever caused the accident, maybe they would have been somewhere else. Maybe maybe maybe he could what if all he wanted it didn't change the fact that his brother was in the hospital hurt and alone and he couldn't get there fast enough, cursing having to walk the whole way.

"What are you here for?" The overly bright receptionist smiled at him, did he look like he wanted to smile his shoes weren't even tied.

"My brother was just admitted. Murphy, I need to see him." Connor gasped out, panting from having practically sprinted there.

"Do you have a photo ID of some sort? Drivers license?"

"FUCK." Connor screamed, not even realizing it he slammed his hand into the desk. He was well aware it was horrible hospital etiquette. But it just fucking figured. He was petty enough to be jealous his brother had his license and he didn't, he had let him go alone, and now not having it was standing in the way of his getting to see his injured brother, he had no idea how bad it was no one had told him. He yanked his wallet out of his pocket; he was lucky he even had that it must have been left in his pocket. Opening it he started pulling cards out frantically, his library card, name but no picture, his social security card, still no photo, signed receipts, his name was scrawled everywhere but not a single photo could be found, he didn't have a driving permit he hadn't needed one. Tears of fear and frustration welled up in his eyes, no damn it he would not break down and cry, not here in front of this woman and her heartless smile, not where anyone could see him. Just as he was about to fuck his dignity and cry and plead he opened one last pocket in his wallet and pulled out a creased photo of him and Murphy at a carnival the year before, a rare treat, he fought back still more tears, if that wasn't proof enough he didn't want to live any more, throwing it on the desk he removed the last card in his wallet, by some miracle his school ID, complete with unflattering yearbook picture.

The receptionist watched him curiously; in all her years at the front desk she wasn't sure she had ever seen quite such a reaction. She cautiously plucked the photo and the ID off the desk and took a quick glance at them out of protocol, there wasn't a real doubt in her mind that this panicked teenage boy was here for exactly what he said he was. She tapped a few keys looking for the relevant information. "Murphy is in surgery right now if you'd like to take a seat in the waiting room someone will escort you in as soon as he's situated in a room. Do you boys have a parent you can contact?"

"Our mom, she's at work, you can try calling but it's hard to get ahold of her." Connor scribbled the number on a scrap of paper and shoved his assorted cards and papers back into his wallet haphazardly and collapsed in the first free seat he saw.

The receptionist looked at her computer again, reading the summary of the patients' condition when he came in. Just the first sentence had been enough to make her think it would be better to let the doctors handle the situation, the kid would be better off not knowing until he had to find out, no way he could wait patiently with that on his mind.

Murphy wasn't aware of much other than a hazy floating feeling. He didn't really know what was happening or where he was but somehow everything was bathed in white light and nothing hurt anymore. He didn't know how that was possible when he was pretty sure the last thing he remembered was laying in the street surrounded by the shimmer of glass shards in a crimson pool, but maybe he didn't really remember that, everything was peaceful and quiet and soft. So peaceful. He went to shift how he lay and found he couldn't, panic began to set in, why couldn't he move what was wrong he tried again he still couldn't move what had happened he couldn't even lift his arm. Suddenly he fell even deeper into the light, sinking into an absolute darkness not unlike an even deeper notion of sleep.

Connor wasn't sure how many more times he could read the same three back issues of Vogue. Who the fuck read Vogue anyway. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes taking a deep breath. He uncrossed his legs and got up to see if there was anything new the receptionist could tell him, hoping he hadn't ruined his first impression to irreparably.

It felt like it had been several eternities by the time someone finally emerged and called his name, looking right over him as they clearly expected someone much older. He was standing practically on top of him before he even had time to register the slightly somber look on his face.

"If you'll just come back with me." They paused outside another set of double doors that appeared to lead into the actual recovery wing of the hospital. An aging man appeared holding a clipboard.

"Doctor Hartnell." He introduced himself and extended a hand, Connor took it briefly, acutely aware of how sweaty his own were.

"Connor MacManus." He wasn't sure why he added his last name; he never introduced himself as anything but Connor unless specifically asked. He supposed it was just another desperate attempt to prove he was related to Murphy, as though at any minute they would decide he hadn't provided enough proof of who he was because he didn't have a license and not let him in to see his brother.

"Your brother is in fragile condition at the moment Mr. MacManus."

Connor shuddered involuntarily, both from the thought of what fragile condition could mean and being called Mr. MacManus, he was too young for such a title, he was too young for the responsibility that came with that kind of title in these places, he shouldn't have to have that kind of responsibility but he had no choice.

Broken ribs, internal bleeding, punctured lung fixed, stitches, broken nose, unconscious at the moment, left leg hairline fracture, dislocated shoulder, possible concussion. The words floated through to Connor one at a time through slowly as though drifting through water he could barely comprehend what he heard. He shook his head slowly. "Please just let me see him."

The doctor slowly opened the door and directed him to a room. "I'll leave you boys for a minute and go see if they've managed to contact your mother yet." He let the door click quietly closed.

Connor was afraid to even approach the bed where Murphy laid, fragile was indeed the right word, he had never seen his brother look so small and breakable. His always pale skin had developed a greyish cast, his cheekbones seemed sharp enough to cut right through the thin flesh over them, taking a deep breath Connor finally forced himself to look at the rest of him. Stitches held a portion of his forehead and cheek together, his nose was slightly off, his eyes were closed and sunken in the middle of the numerous abrasions on his face. He could picture the bandaging wrapped around his midsection holding his ribs in place, the sling he would be in for his shoulder, the cast that was surely wrapped around his leg under the blankets. The heart monitor beeped, Connor supposed it should be reassuring that it beat at all but at the same time it served as a reminder that his brothers heartbeats were limited, it could stop at any moment, probably already almost had, every beat that passed was one he would never get back. A small choked sob escaped his throat; he approached the bed slowly and fell to his knees.

Connor took one of Murphys' hands in his, mindful of the IV embedded in the back of it, he caressed each one of his fingers individually, traced the veins and bones of the back of it around the needle, brought it up ever so slightly and kissed the tips of his fingers. He realized he was crying as he saw the tears shining where they had landed on Murphys' hand and finally couldn't hold it in any more, sobs ripped roughly from the deepest places in his heart as hot tears cascaded down his face. He realized that no one had told him if Murphy had woken up for even a moment since he had been brought in, for all he knew he never would. He buried his face in the blankets still not letting go of Murphy as he tried to muffle the sounds he was making; he wrapped his other hand around Murphys' as well. He was suddenly painfully conscious of the way how body ached with his brothers agony.

He had no idea how long he had been there heaped on the floor, it felt like hours but had really been only a few minutes, when he could have sworn he felt Murphys' fingers twitch. Sniffling quietly he sat up a little straighter, there it was again, just a little flutter, he was feeling it right, it wasn't just his imagination willing him to feel some sign of life it couldn't be. Another stray tear slid down Connors' cheek, he watched it land on the back of Murphys' hand as he gathered himself together and looked up.

Murphy could tell he was definitely starting to feel again, there was definitely a constant pain again, the comforting light and peace was no longer there, replaced by an insistent beeping and sharp aches in every inch of his being, at least whatever parts of his being he could feel. He considered opening his eyes; he wanted to see what was going on. But maybe he didn't want to see. His memory was slowly becoming clearer. There had definitely been an accident, maybe he didn't want to open his eyes and see. Maybe he should just stay asleep forever, where nothing hurt and looks didn't matter. He thought he felt pressure on his hand, it felt like Connors' hand over his, but how would Connor be there? He thought he felt something wet hit his hand. Confusion and curiosity was starting to override his desire to fall back into the darkness of sleep.

Murphys' eyelids twitched in an almost indiscernible movement, he very well could have just been dreaming as he slept. Murphys' hand flexed, wrapping limply around Connors', there was no way he had imagined that, he ran his thumb across the skin of the back of his hand, a small gesture to make sure he knew he was there, a comfort to himself as much as Murphy. Slowly Murphys' eyes fluttered open just a slit, meeting Connors' as soon as he was able to focus. A small smile crossed his split lips. Just when Connor thought he was starting to get himself together tears were pouring again as he met his brothers' eyes.

"Why are ya cryin' Connor?" Murphy croaked quietly, turning his head to see Connor better.

"Murphy." Connors' voice broke; he shifted from sitting to kneeling and got even closer to the side of the bed, no easy task. Murphy shifted his arm disjointedly as though it wasn't even a part of him and rested his hand on Connors' head, awkwardly stroking his hair. "Murph, I was so scared."

"I'm fine Connor, I'm gonna be fine." Murphy smiled as best he could without pulling any stitches, despite his surely grotesque appearance.

"I thought you were dead. It's my fault I should have gone with you."

"Wouldn't a changed anythin' Connor. Woulda just hurt both of us." Murphy murmured reasonable. "I'm not gonna die, I wouldn' do that to ya, wouldn' leave ya like that." Murphys' tongue felt heavy in his mouth as he struggled to recall his basical motor functions through the anesthesia and pain meds. If he felt like this on pain meds he'd hate to get off them any time soon. "Get off the floor and sit in the chair like a normal human bein' now." Murphy instructed.

Connor hauled himself up into the chair next to the bed that he had somehow completely overlooked earlier in his blind grief, still not letting go of Murphy as though breaking the contact between them would send Murphy back into whatever kind of slumber he had been in. He leaned forward and rested his head on what was luckily Murphys' good shoulder facing him. Murphy rested his head gingerly against Connors' struggling to find a spot that didn't hurt too bad to do so. "I'm fine." He murmured, Connor found himself shaking his head again Murphy squeezed his hand again.

"They're trying to get ahold of Ma, you know how her boss is." Connor could think of nothing else to say, and something just felt wrong to not have any kind of parental figure there bustling about to keep things under control, cooing over Murphy, holding things together when it seemed like they were slipping apart. Connor was more than capable of holding his brother together, but he couldn't do everything himself all the time. Murphy just nuzzled closer into Connor.

**Note- Sorry if posting this took awhile, I'm honestly not sure when the last chapter got posted, I have a few valid reasons for not writing this faster and one not so valid stupid reason. I had a jewelry commission I had to get made and shipped out this weekend so I spent some time working on a few portfolio/shop pieces as well and a major project to do for my theater class that took up a lot of time and taught me that cheap plastic barbies melt if you use a high temp glue gun on them. Not so valid reason, I was (still am) a little embarrassed about the last chapter, it wasn't until I was reading your reviews of it I realized how much of myself made it into that chapter, how personal some of it was to me without even realizing it and I'm a little embarrassed about that. **

**Back to this chapter, I feel like I'm constantly doing horrible things to Murphy and getting him into bad situations and generally abusing him, but I felt like it had to be Murphy in this chapter because the past chapters where one of them has been sick/hurt have been Connor while Murphy worried about him so I wanted to switch that to Connor being the one who had to worry, which meant more misfortune for Murphy sadly. If this sounds too much like one of those previous chapters just tell me. I swear I don't pick on him particularly on purpose I kinda just let things flow that make sense as I write. Kind of like in my other Boondock story, Raven isn't a character I've planned excessively I kind of just write and her character develops a lot as it goes, I know her backstory and reason but the details just come to me as I write, I know it's a horrible writing habit but it works for me. Also does the way I try to type their accents get annoying, do I ever forget to do it or does it make sense? Do I create too much misfortune for them, is it unrealistic to have all these things happen in their lives? It seems normal to me but I'm not really sure**

**I hate to keep bringing it up and being irritating about it but keep me updated on if you ladies (I'm assuming I can say ladies? Am I wrong? Am I offending anyone here?) want me to post hints on tumblr, I just need to know within the next week or so so I can start figuring things out. I hate to feel like I'm pestering you to follow me I just want to get everything worked out before I lose my computer. The timeline right now is I wont have it after the 28, I'll be on vacation aka at 'home' for half of june and won't have wifi anyway, and will hopefully have this computer mess all sorted out when I get back. **

**Another random fact/story because I'm just pretending you guys care or read this far. Apparently when you're English teacher says to write a short story about a "Controversial" subject, she wants a shallow story without a lot of feeling or depth or else she'll assume you're emotionally traumatized and need help. Not kidding that happened, almost wound up at the school counselor.**

**Love you guys, working on every saint chapter 4 now, any more ideas for this one leave 'em here I'm halfway through my list somehow. Maybe one of them is scared of rollercoasters? which one would that even be? I'm really starting to doubt my characterization of the twins and this story in general. And 9kids don't worry your reviews usually make sense, it doesn't bother me**

**~There is an indefinable power and beauty found in words, especially in the hands of those who know how to use them**


	16. The Brothers, Rollercoasters

" 'S hot Connor." Murphy mumbled from where he lay facedown and shirtless on the ground trying to cool off.

"Miserable." Connor agreed from where he lay in an almost identical position facing the other way, the top of his head almost touching Murphys'.

"Wish we 'ad air." Murphy rolled over trying to find a cooler spot on the floor as his got too warm.

"Yea. What're we gonna do all summer?" Connor followed Murphys' lead trying to get comfortable, well as comfortable as he possibly could. "We oughta get up Murph. Ma's gonna have a heart attack when she see's us down here thinkin' we passed out."

"But it's even hotter up there." Murphy groaned. Connor hauled himself sluggishly off the floor and reached out for his brother. Murphy halfheartedly grabbed for his hands and Connor yanked him up. At least they were sitting now, sitting was as good as it was going to get, even that small effort had left them sweating. Murphy ran his fingers through his sticky hair leaving it standing up in disarray, Connor smiled at how ridiculous he looked; Murphy reached over and ruffled his hair with both hands so it stuck out wildly and laughed. This had to pass as entertainment for the moment; anything else would involve getting up. Connor struck playfully at him, Murphy dodged and extended his leg to kick him in the ribs, Connor grabbed his leg throwing him just off balance enough to tip over. Falling back onto the ground Murphy dragged Connor down with him. Deeming getting back up too much work a silent conclusion was reached that surely Ma wouldn't be too convinced they had passed out or passed away.

"Boys!" Ma crowed as soon as she opened the front door, "Connor, Murphy, where are ya!"

"Right here Ma." They chorused in unison from where they were still splayed out in the living room.

Not even questioning their location Ma looked down at them, "I've got somethin' for you two." She grinned ear to ear with pride, she had saved up for them for a long time, she had wanted to give her boys one real, normal teenage experience that summer and give them the chance to do something they never would have thought they could afford. Opening her purse she began to dig, despite their outward air of only slight interest she could see how excited they were, she wasn't able to surprise them often, she had them in her hand almost as soon as she opened her bag but continued to dig just to mess with them. "You boys better be behavin' I don' wanna regret this." She placed one of the tickets in each of their hands, watching their faces as they read what was printed on them.

"Six flags?" It was Connor who spoke first, smiling cautiously as if he didn't dare to believe it. Murphy leapt up off the floor and flung his arms around his Ma, Connor followed suit. "Thank you so much." Murphy could barely contain himself, stopping just short of jumping up and down, "This is so awesome, ohmygod Ma." Connor continued where Murphy left off. Ma grinned as she hugged them back, proud of every little thing she could do for them, nothing made her happier than seeing her boys so excited. "You're welcome boys, I'm glad you like it. I can drop you two off whatever day ya want, but don' ya dare cause any trouble there." She warned them just in case, they weren't bad kids, just prone to disaster sometimes. "Now you two need ta go shower, I don' know what ya been doin' all day but ya reek and yer sweaty." She made an exaggerated show of wiping her hands off as they let go of her.

~X~X~X~

Murphy could barely sit still in the car the whole way there, Ma struggled to keep an excited grin off her own face, despite not being able to go herself she was brimming with excitement for her boys, they were sure to have a great time that they would hopefully remember for a long time, and she hated to admit it but it did help ease her guilt over the amount of time they spent home alone and the fact they couldn't really afford to do anything anyway.

Murphy was out of the car like a shot as soon as they puled to a stop at the drop off, Connor got out a bit slower looking up apprehensively at the towering steel structures.

"I'll be here for ya around nine thirty, you boys behave yourselves. Love you." Ma called out the window.

"Love you too Ma." Both boys mumbled, looking around to see if anyone could hear them. Ma considered making them say it again, louder before letting them go just to mess with them but decided to just let them go have their fun, smiling as she watched them run enthusiastically towards the entrance.

Murphy stared intently at the map, as if deciding what he wanted to ride first was a matter of utmost importance. It hadn't occurred to Connor until they were already there that maybe he was afraid of being flung into oblivion on a thin metal structure of unknown age and stability.

"Let's go this way." Murphy pointed decisively towards what of course appeared to be the largest roller coaster in the park.

"Why don't we start with some of the smaller rides?" Connor suggested, hoping he sounded nonchalant as he tried to hide his panic. The last thing he wanted to tell his brother he was afraid, partially out of knowing the teasing he would be subjected to, partially because he didn't want to feel like Ma had wasted her money for him to go when he could only begin to imagine how long she had been trying to do this for them, knowing even ten dollars out of her paycheck made a big difference. Murphy just shrugged, "Sure, that works."

Connor could only put off Murphys' desire to start on the roller coasters for so long, there were also only so many other rides to spin and throw and fling them around. Which they both thoroughly enjoyed, laughing and giggling and yelping the whole time, passing time in lines playing truth or dare and I spy, surveying the other people around, even waiting they found it impossible to be bored. The disposable camera in Connors' backpack, he had been the only one sensible enough to think to bring one, was put to good use. There were pictures of them with random characters wandering the park, pictures they had someone take of them out front, pictures of rides and waiting in line. There was also a fair amount of Connor chasing Murphy about trying to convince him to put sunblock on, or just trying to forcefully apply sunscreen to his brother himself. Murphy as a general rule refused to put it on, and Connor refused to deal with miserable mopey sun burnt Murphy if he could stop it.

But eventually Murphy got tired of the smaller entertainment and insisted on making his way over to a roller coaster god bless anyone who got in his way this time. They made it all the way to the middle of the line before Connor started loosing it.

"Doesn't this freak you out a little?" Connor asked, running his fingers through his hair trying to hide his panic.

"Nah, it looks awesome." Murphy bounced up on the balls of his feet then rocked back onto his heels, his eyes gleaming with delight. "Why? You nervous?"

Connor sighed anxiously. "Yea a little bit." He finally admitted, looking down at his feet in embarrassment.

"Why? What's there ta be scared of?" Murphy asked genuinely.

"Belts breaking, getting stuck, whole thing collapsing, falling off." Connor crossed his arms, fully aware of how ridiculous it sounded to say out loud, not that it eased his fear any.

"It'll be fun, none a that shit happens if it did these places wouldn't exist." Murphy groaned, fighting the urge to roll his eyes.

"It jus' freaks me out ok." Connor snapped.

The closer they got to the front of the line the more jittery Connor got, he could feel his heart beating faster as he continued to look at the metal tracks rising above him, a tight knot of apprehension resting in his stomach. He seriously doubted if he would be able to do it.

Murphy noticed Connor had become noticeably less talkative and was looking a little more drawn and anxious. Connor wasn't usually one to over react to such simple things. He wondered for a moment if for his brothers' own mental health they should step out of line. But this was their only chance for what was sure to be a very long time, and it wasn't like anything back would actually happen. And then there was the slightly more selfish reason of he didn't want to ride alone. Murphy slung an arm around his brothers' shoulders and hugged him tight.

They finally got to the front of the line, Murphy bounded over to the very first car, taking Connors' bag from him he set it in the rack and got in himself. Connors' hands were shaking as he buckled himself in, his heart raced his breathing was quick and shallow he wanted to get out but he didn't want to disappoint Murphy. Murphy pulled the lap bar over both of them, checking Connors' belt to reassure him, out of habit Connor reached out and checked Murphys' pulling it a little tighter just in case.

The cars began to roll forward. Connor grabbed frantically for Murphys' hand. Murphy laced his fingers through Connors' he didn't need the reassurance but clearly his brother did. Connor closed his eyes as they began to climb. He squeezed Murphys' hand tighter. Considered saying a prayer. Opened his eyes again more afraid of not seeing what was coming than looking down. Then the world dropped out from under them.

They barely knew up from down and left from right, Murphy had thrown his hands in the air, Connor gripped the bar tightly with one hand, his refusal to let go of Murphy meaning his other hand had wound up in the air while clutching his brothers'. Whooping and hollering and screaming at the tops of their lungs. Twisting and turning whipped around and twirled upside down Connor hated to admit it but he was having fun. The ride finally came to an end with a jarring stop, slamming both of them back into their seats. Looking at each other both boys burst into hysterical wild laughter, leaning back into the seats. Murphy got out first and extended a hand to Connor to help him out. Making a quick stop at the small shed displaying the mid ride pictures Murphy doubled over, howling with laughter at their picture, promptly digging through his pockets for the change to buy one. "This." He waved the envelope it was in, "This is blackmail material right here."

"Which ones next?" Connor raised an eyebrow devilishly; Murphy beamed at him and looked down at the map.

By the time they needed to be out front to be picked up they were relatively certain they had managed to try every ride in the park, Murphy was only minimally sunburnt, and Connor had relaxed significantly.

As the twins chattered happily in the back seat, telling Ma about their day in random disjointed fragments that she only partially understood Connor handed her the disposable camera to have printed. Throwing it in the passenger seat with her purse Ma smiled, she couldn't wait to see those pictures.

**Note- So here's a little filler and fluff for you guys. I wanted to post it last night but I was on tornado watch all evening and after some horrific nightmares all week I needed to get to bed early. I have an important question for you guys. The chapter I'm about to start is a real heavy angsty chapter, and might be the last chapter I can post for awhile. So I want to know from my regular readers, would you rather have angst or something light and fluffy like this as your last chapter for awhile? And theres a chance I can post occasionally without a computer, I do have a kindle, but I don't know how well/quickly I can really type on a touchscreen but I can try. **

**This chapter is based on a true story from my life :P if anyone is interested, I'm going on a school trip to our six flags tomorrow which reminded me of last years trip. I went with my boyfriend at the time since only certain student groups could go and he was in several of them. What he failed to tell me before we got there is he is deathly afraid of roller coasters (I'm a junkie for that kind of thing) which first off left me in the front seat of the biggest roller coaster alone, then ended in me running around with his ex girlfriend who sure did look and act a lot like me all day instead while he held our purses because she would get on rollercoasters with me :P**

**Regarding the review(s) I received about putting yourself into your work, I do put some parts of my personality and life into a bit of my writing, it was just never as blatantly obvious as in that chapter. It's like in The Picture of Dorian Gray (Wonderful book one of my favorites) When the painter Basil says he will not put the portrait he painted of Dorian on exhibit because it contains too much of himself, despite the fact it's a portrait of someone else. **

**And I guess i should apologize for apparently ripping your hearts apart? Another random fact, no one in my family knows I write, neither do most of my friends.**

**Oh speaking of english, it wasn't an issue of not appreciating it, we were supposed to write a short story based on a "controversial" topic like gay marriage, abortion, etc. so i did mine about a girl growing up knowing she had been born because her mom was raped and how she dealt with it and how her mom saw her because of it and tried to love her anyway. Apparently it made my english teacher think i was emotionally traumatized despite it being pure fiction.**

**I'll stop rambling now you guys have got to be so tired of hearing about my life i don't know why i keep doing this to you guys.**

**Love you guys, let me know what you think of this one and what you would prefer next as far as angst or fluff. Also at the end of chapter 4 of every saint theres a tumblr note for anyone who wants to track updates on there but I won't repost it here because so many of you read both anyway.**

**I really will try to still post when I can it just won't be nearly as often.**


	17. The Brothers, Hurt

**Mild warning?**

It was impossible not to notice the sudden shift in the way he was treated, but he had no idea why. He'd walk past people in the hallway and they would giggle, talk behind their hands to each other, look at him sideways. It was like living in a stereotypical high school movie, except at least then the audience knew what was going on. Connor sighed and clutched his textbook to his chest, putting his head down and doing his best to ignore it, Murphy should be around soon; maybe he knew what was going on. He walked past a group girls hovering around a locker and they all promptly began to giggle, one girl looked mildly confused and one of her friends leaned over and muttered in her ear, her eyes widened and she covered her mouth while a gasping out a laugh. Tell me, Connor wanted to scream, wanted to shake her and yell in her face. Just tell me what the hell is going on right now. Instead he just kept walking, he couldn't afford to lose it and give them any more fuel to use against him, especially when he didn't know what had already ignited.

"Murph what the hell is going on today?" Connor shook his head in confusion as he looked over at his brother, silently pleading he would know.

"What're ya talkin' about?" Murphy looked genuinely puzzled. Connor sighed.

"I can't go anywhere today without everyone laughin' and lookin' at me weird."

"Has anyone been sayin' shit about you?"

"That's the issue, I don' know. If I knew I wouldn't be askin' ya"

"Chin up. I'll let ya know if I head anythin'." Murphy clapped Connor on the shoulder and squeezed his arm reassuringly, it was the best he could do.

He had hoped it would fade quickly like most things seemed to and walked into school the next day with the hope everything would be back to normal. Of course nothing in his life was ever that convenient or easy. "Hey fairy boy!" Someone jeered as soon as he set foot in the building, he turned around truly baffled as to where that had come from and why. "Fag!" Someone else called from further down the hallway. Connor slowly made his way towards his locker with no idea why he was being called such things. Were they not directed at him after all was he just being paranoid? Except if anything the whispers and giggles had only gotten worse.

Walking in to the cafeteria Connor headed for his usual table only to find it empty, not a single one of his friends or acquaintances present, taking a deep breath he sat down by himself, Murphy would be there in a minute he would wait for him then they could sneak out to the courtyard or something. He spotted one of us usual lunch mates a few tables down and got up to talk to him.

"Hey, Matt?" Connor rested a hand on his friends shoulder, instantly everyone's eyes were on him, he fought the urge to slink away under the force of their stares. "Where is everyone?"

"Go away Connor." Matt didn't even turn to look at him. Connor just stood bewildered. "Seriously Connor leave."

"What's going on?" Connor tried not to sound pleading tried not to beg. Matt still wouldn't look at him but shoved his hand violently off his shoulder.

"Will you just go the fuck away." He spat, "I'm not talking to you anymore Connor, don't want anything to do with you, you're fucking disgusting."

Connor stepped involuntarily back with no idea what could have prompted such venom and spite from one of his and Murphys' good friends. Had spent countless nights at their house or with them at his, wandering the city together, swimming at the community pool playing sports at the park. Why would he push him away like that and say such horrible things? Connor silently turned around and picked his backpack up out of the chair he had left it in and left the cafeteria, the doors swung shut behind him and slammed with an ominously final sound. He should tell Murphy to go somewhere else for lunch but he needed to sit down before he just collapsed. Murphy would just have to take care of himself sometimes.

He found his way to the back corner of the library, the most secluded place he could find and faded into the background. Two girls came in giggling and sat much closer than he would have liked. He could see their outlines through the shelf between them, hear their high-pitched voices but at last it seemed like they didn't know he was there. He opened a textbook he knew he wouldn't be able to concentrate on anyway and tried to ignore them. Until he heard his name.

"Did you hear about the MacManus guy?" One of them giggled, lowering her voice a bit but not too low that Connor couldn't hear.

"Which one? They're both so _fine. _What happened?" The second girl sounded absolutely tantalized, Connor could see her form lean forward over the table.

"The taller one, Connor. Got caught making out with some dude from another school Friday night at Jackies' party. Heard from Allie they came out of the back bedroom together late too." The first girl giggled again, Connor realized how much he hated giggling.

"That's kinda hot." The second girl shook her head and covered her mouth to stifle laughter.

Stomach turning Connor buried his face in his hands, where had he even been Friday night. He had been at home watching horror movies with Murphy all night, they had made pasta and had left over cupcakes and made bets on who would be more scared at the end of the night. He sure as hell hadn't been at some party slobbering all over strangers. And the girl wasn't even done yet.

"And Kat knows one of their friends, he said this started when Connor raped his brother and decided he liked it."

Connor covered his mouth trying not to retch. Was this what the whole school was talking about behind cupped hands, whispered in ears when they thought he wasn't around? Was this what everyone thought of him? He and Murphy had always been slightly isolated from the general student population but could that really have turned into this? Who would say such things? But why would even his own friends believe such a wild lie when they of all people should have known it wasn't true, should have known him better. He gathered his things and shouldered his bag, practically running out of the library.

He couldn't leave, the school would call his mom if he missed a class and he couldn't deal with that too. He ducked in to the first restroom he saw with no idea where else he could even think about hiding. He closed the stall door and hung his bag on the hook on the back and after a moments' thought drew both feet onto the toilet seat. He saw two pairs of feet enter the bathroom and was immediately grateful he had done so. They paused in front of the urinals, continuing their conversation.

"I always thought those MacManus guys seemed like cool dudes, never talked to 'em much but they don't talk much to anyone. Never woulda guessed one of 'em was a fairy."

"Yea and if I was gonna peg one of 'em as queer I probably woulda thought the other one with the dark hair."

Perched precariously there on the toilet Connor leaned sideways against the wall and covered his mouth with both hands to muffle any noise as tears slid down his cheeks.

Opening his locker to grab what he needed quickly so he could escape a slip of paper floated out. Not thinking anything of it considering his locker was always a mess he bent over to pick it up. The paper fluttered back out of his fingers as he saw what was written in red across it. God hates fags.

"Connor, I've been lookin' for ya, didn't see ya at lunch I was getting worried." Murphy came up behind him, Connor nearly jumped out of his skin.

"Oh, I just didn' feel well." Connor lied easily followed by what he hoped was an easy smile.

"I didn't see anyone else at lunch today either." Murphy raised an eyebrow skeptically, "Somethin' happen?"

"I don' know, I was in the bathroom all a' lunch, felt like I was gonna vomit."

"Let's go before the rain starts." Murphy looked like he didn't entirely believe him but let it go, opening the school door right as the cloud cover started to move over the sun.

A week passed by and nothing got any better, suddenly Connor found himself sitting in the middle of empty circles of desks, hiding in the library every day at lunch, listening closely to every whisper that passed by as the stories only continued to grow and change into something more perverse with every retelling. He thought he could be stronger than he was proving to be, he thought he could pull through just fine. But he also thought it would have ended long ago, that everyone would have moved on to the next scandalous story. If nothing else after another weekend passed there should have been another party, a real mistake someone made to make its way around the school. But for some reason, there wasn't. He tried to talk to his friends, clearly they weren't good friends to start with, and not a single one of them let him speak long enough to even deny the rumors. Somehow Murphy either hadn't heard anything or wasn't acknowledging what he heard but Connor was sure if he knew what people were spreading around as the gospel truth he would have at least tried to talk to him about it.

That Tuesday was the final straw. Connor left his history class midway through to go get his textbook he'd forgotten. As he approached the bank of lockers he noticed something didn't look right. A splash of red stood out sorely against the uniform black metal. He didn't think much of it until he got close enough to see whatever it was it was his locker it stained. Fairy. Queer. Faggot. Cock in dripping red across the shiny metal face. Something snapped. A primal scream ripped through Connor, luckily he was far enough from any classrooms to be heard, his cries echoed down the hall, drawing a fist back he punched the stiff aluminum as hard as he could, the clanging resonating both through the hall and his own being. He sank down to his knees and slammed his head into the bottom of the locker, not sure if he wanted to scream or sob he simply sat catatonically and stared into the warped reflection of his own eyes. That's when he realized something else. He couldn't let Murphy see this.

What had he done wrong. What had he done to deserve this. He scrubbed at the door frantically, someone from his class might be sent to look for him. Even if the teacher sent someone no one would actually look for the queer. The bell might ring at any moment he didn't know what time it was. He couldn't have any of these words remaining by the time Murphy appeared. He couldn't let Murphy know what was being said about both of them. They had to find new fuel for their gossip fire soon didn't they. His hands dripped red as the paint slowly began to chip away, he was already running out of paper towels but he didn't want to walk away and get more, for all he knew whoever had done it would just come back and do it again. It was illogical, people should be in class at that time but that didn't mean anything.

He must have been a better actor than he thought, Murphy didn't see anything wrong, he really hadn't noticed anything at all despite the unnatural bond they shared. Connor himself didn't even understand how he could have hidden it so well Murphy had never been able to hide anything so thoroughly Connor didn't have at least a vague feeling of unease no matter how hard he tried. Yet somehow Murphy was generally clueless, Connor knew if Murphy thought something was wrong he would have confronted him about it the instant he felt it so clearly he hadn't seen a reason to be concerned. In a way Connor wanted Murphy to worry about him, to see something was wrong and want to help. But at the same time he didn't want to burden him, he wanted to protect him from everything that was wrong in the world, he always had, he wanted to hide his pain so his emotional brother didn't have to feel it. Maybe that was why Murphy didn't feel even a little off. Maybe his desire to shield his brother from everything negative in life was what kept him from feeling his turmoil, his instinct to protect Murphy stronger than his own desperate desire to cry out for help.

He was brushing his teeth when it caught his eye. The subtle glint on the counter. The razor blade they had initially left their intending the scrape the sink clean that had been left there forgetfully. He picked it up and turned it over in his hand. The blade was still sharp, clean looking. People always said it helped. He didn't even know why they said it but he heard it often. Just one cut. Just to see if they were right. He looked down at the soft flesh of his wrists. They said the wrists were a cry for help, hard to hide for long. He didn't want help because help meant people would see. He didn't want people to see. He would never be able to hide it from Murphy they were around each other too much. He grazed a thumb across his shoulder. The same problem there, he often laid around shirtless Murphy would notice if he started wearing a shirt at all time. He tapped his fingers on his thigh as he battled with himself. That was it. His thigh, no one ever saw that, even in gym class his underwear covered the tops of his thighs. He sat down on the edge of the toilet seat. Was he really going to do this? He slid his underwear down his legs and left them heaped on the floor. He ran his thumb over the tender skin of his upper thigh, grazing it lightly. He lifted the blade off the counter.

He could feel the skin split as he dragged the edge along slowly, careful not to go too deep, yet. He could feel the sharp tearing and the stream of hot sticky blood running down his leg. He bit his lip to keep quiet while at the same time sighing with twisted relief. He could see why they said what they did. Who were they anyway; whoever they were they were right. The incision in his leg was easily three or four inches long by the time he pulled the blade away, taking corrupt pleasure in the way his skin stuck to the metal. He had said just once. But would one more really make a difference. A prick like a needle, a piercing sensation, parallel to the first, close but not too close. He looked down and swore under his breath. Drops of crimson splattered the grimy once white tile underneath where he sat. Even as he watched another hit the ground. Transfixed he watched as a few more fell. He realized his leg was streaked red as well. He couldn't leave it there on the floor where anyone could see. Ripping sheets of toilet paper off the roll he began to hastily wipe the floor clean, his still bleeding freely defeating the purpose as he had a new spot to clean every time he shifted. He wadded up yet more toilet paper and held it to his leg pulling his underwear back on to keep it in place. Eventually all traces of what he had done had been cleaned from the floor, wiping the last of it from his leg he flushed it down as if he could just flush away what had just happened. Because as much as he hated to admit it even to himself he was already thinking about when he could do it again.

It became a routine almost every night; wash face brush teeth slice leg open clean evidence off floor. He discovered it was a whole different sensation to reopen his cuts as they started to heal. Soon they crisscrossed both his thighs. He knew exactly how far down he could cut and still cover with his underwear. He knew how deep he could stand the blade. What he didn't know was why it felt so good when it was so wrong.

In a way the mutilation made it easier to cope throughout school. The rumors continued to spread but had finally reached the point they got so ridiculous some people stopped believing any of it. He didn't even want to reconnect with his 'friends' anyone who would abandon him so cruelly clearly wasn't a real friend anyway. He still wished it would just stop completely, but every day it seemed like new rumors about other people started and spread, yet somehow what people said about him still didn't really go away. It got easier to deal with the more he took perverted pleasure in knowing no matter how bad they tried to hurt him he could hurt himself worse, he was in control of his own body even if he couldn't control anything else about himself, they wanted to hurt him they wouldn't win because with every thing they said he only hurt himself he caused his own pain he was in control.

The cuts had migrated from the fronts of his upper thighs around the sides as well, and if he wasn't mistaken they had slowly gotten deeper. It had become a form of therapy, he found himself sitting in the silent stillness contemplating everything he had to grapple with every day of his life. As he bled it became less painful to think about the things he usually tried to avoid. Their dad had been a topic of his morbid thoughts more and more often. Did he even know they existed, did he leave them on purpose, had he ever met them as babies, did he hate them, where was he, why didn't he know them, did he want to know them, why had he left if he knew about them, it didn't help that Ma told them nothing about him. He couldn't talk to Murphy about it; he didn't know if his brother thought about the same things and if he didn't he didn't want to be the reason he started. It was on these nights he cut the deepest.

Sitting on the edge of the bathtub, blood flowing freely from the newest additions to the assortment of cuts and scars on his legs Connor broke down for the first time since he had started. Tears fell fast and hot he wasn't even really aware of when he started crying until he felt the warmth on his cheeks, watched the clear drops splash onto his leg, joining the streams of scarlet blood trailing down. What had he become. What was he doing to himself, standing in his dirty dim bathroom carving his pain into his flesh. Why? That night as he picked up his razor again, it was no longer just the razor it was his, he made two mistakes. He cut lower than the boundaries he had set himself, and blind with sorrow and tears he didn't clean the floor as thoroughly as usual.

Standing at the sink Murphy dropped the lid to the toothpaste and bent over to retrieve it, only to find himself looking at a smattering of what appeared to be blood. He usually would have brushed it away; he often cut himself shaving or managed to repeatedly cut himself on a rather nasty edge of the towel rack. Except this was fresh, still wet.

"Hey Connor? You ok there's blood all over the bathroom floor." Murphy poked his head around the door to their room concerned.

"Yea, I nicked myself shaving." Connor tried to sound nonchalant as panic began to set in; he didn't know what he'd do if Murphy found out. He was supposed to be the strong one.

"By the bathtub?" Murphy raised an eyebrow skeptically. "Lot of blood for a shaving wound considering I don't even see it." He scanned his brothers' face for any sign of blood.

Connor rolled over to defend himself against the questioning and felt a slight tugging sensation against his leg. A fresh scab had come off peeled back by the movement of his underwear as he shifted. He could feel the cut start to ooze and knew the dark red would be all too noticeable against the light grey fabric. He tried to move casually to cover it hoping if he didn't move quickly it wouldn't call any unnecessary attention. Out of concern Murphy was carefully watching every one of his movements, noticing the stain quickly.

"Connor what's wrong you're bleeding?" Murphy looked bewildered and slightly alarmed.

"It's nothing." Connor scrambled for a believable excuse.

"Prove it." Murphy closed the door with a click and leaned sideways against the doorframe, seriously starting to watch as he saw the dark stain continue to grow.

"What you wanna see me naked." Connor spat, the disgusting rumors that had started it all in the front of his mind he regretted saying it before he had even finished the sentence.

"I'm not kidding Connor I don't believe you're ok. And might I remind you who had to give you fucking sponge baths for almost two weeks after you had emergency surgery and couldn't even lean forward without being in pain and ripping stitches. You can't even play the we were younger card, we were fourteen. I have seen and felt your junk way more than I should have had to. Ever." Murphy crossed his arms defiantly.

Connor sat in silence and watched his brother. He wanted to tell him, he wanted to stop he wanted things to be normal again. But he didn't want to give up the relief and release that came with every cut, the way the sharp slicing pain melted everything else in his life away. He didn't want to worry his twin, didn't want to tell him because he was embarrassed to admit he had been so weak. He was the strong one, the role model, the big brother for the younger brother to look up to, he was supposed to be the protector and the one Murphy could talk to about anything. He had fucked himself up and he didn't want to let Murphy see, he didn't want to destroy the image his brother had of him, Murphy needed to be able to see him like that, needed someone to look up to subconsciously he had always felt like he needed to somehow be the strong figure in Murphys' life since they had never really had one.

"Connor, please, what's wrong?" Murphy begged, desperate to know what the hell was going on, frantically trying to find answers.

"Just go to bed Murph, it's nothing, I was just a little upset earlier." Connor hated to lie to his brother when he was so obviously distraught and did his best to be as vague with the truth as he could and hope Murphy didn't think too hard about it and put the pieces together.

He could see the realization dawn in Murphys' eyes. "Let me see Connor. Now or I'm getting Ma."

Reluctantly, already feeling the tears begin to pool again Connor slowly began to slide the thin fabric that served as the only barrier to his secret away. Murphy gasped as he saw the roadmap of fresh and healing cuts and dark scars crisscrossing almost every inch of Connors upper leg, an intake of breath sharp enough to cut Connor all over again.

"Why?" Murphy murmured, "Why would you do that to yourself?" he sat down heavily at the edge of Connors' bed, unable to look away from the garish wounds.

"Because it helps." Connor felt his voice break more than he heard it. "Because it makes things better."

"No it doesn't. It doesn' make anythin' better why would you think that? How could you do that to yourself." Murphy shook his head slowly as he tried to comprehend what he was seeing.

"It feels good, it feels better, I didn't know what else to do." Connors' voice was barely a whisper.

"Do about what?" Murphy felt vaguely sick at eve the thought of what his twin had done to himself, at the fact he hadn't noticed he was struggling in pain.

"Everything. The shit people were saying, _are _saying still. No one would listen to me, no one would talk to me long enough to listen I didn't have anywhere to go and it felt better to hurt myself than to let them keep hurting me." Connor could barely understand his own warped logic as he tried to explain the one weak moment that had turned into such a compulsion, almost an addiction. Murphy grazed his thumb against the back of Connors' hand.

"Why didn' you tell me? I'm right here for ya Connor, I always 'ave been, every night I'm not even ten feet away, every second you spent doin' this ta yourself you coulda just sat here and talked to me." Murphy struggled to grasp the right words.

"I didn't want you to know, I didn't wanna be weak I didn't want you ta see me as weak because I'm supposed to be strong." Connor hung his head ashamed and embarrassed.

"You're not weak Connor, you're the strongest person I know, we're strong because of each other, because we keep each other strong and when one falls apart the other is there." Murphy slowly inched towards his brother, drawing him close. "I 'eard those rumors too, I just didn' think they got to ya like that." He wrapped his arms around his brother and held him close, Connors' general lack of clothing not even enough of an issue to come to mind to hell with what other people said about them because of it.

"I jus' couldn't hold it together anymore Murph, everything jus' came crashing down all together and the cutting made me forget everythin' that was wrong." Connor buried his face in Murphys' shoulder, the all too familiar heat of his tears once again warming his cheeks, Murphys' fingers stroked his hair gently, he realized where the fresh cuts had opened there was now blood smeared on Murphy as well.

"Please stop Connor, please, talk to me or something just don' do this any more. I don' care if I 'ave to follow into the bathroom to stop ya." Tears splashed onto Connors shoulder and Murphy noticed with a numb detachment he was crying as well. He didn't know how he could have overlooked such pain when Connor was always so in tune with him, he couldn't unhear the subtle accusations underneath every sentence that it was somehow his fault because Connor felt like he had to be unbreakable for him. "Some of the strongest people are the ones who break and know how to put everything back together." Murphy mumbled.

"What if I don' wanna stop Murph, what if it feels good and I like it and I don' wanna put myself back together." Connor whimpered in shame.

"Then you get professional help even if I 'ave to get a job to pay for it. But I wanna try to help you Connor. We can beat this together just like we do everything else."

"Please don' tell Ma." Connor buried his face further into Murphys' shoulder.

"I won' tell Ma as long as ya let me help you." Murphy wrapped his arms even tighter around his brother, as though trying to pull his brothers' pain into himself. "Starting with tomorrow ya give me whatever it is ya been usin' and any other sharp objects so I can rid of 'em"

Connor didn't even have the strength or will to argue or even talk any more; instead he only got comfortable and started to doze off.

Murphy laid awake irrationally afraid something bad would happen if he drifted off, unused to and unsure of what to do in the position he found himself in he just didn't have the natural finesse Connor did when it came to being the guardian angel. Uncapping the marker on the bedside table he doodled a heart on his brothers exposed inner wrist, another on his thigh below the cuts across the side of leg then absently began to doodle a cross on his forearm. They would be ok; they always were as long as they had each other to lean on, each others' strength to borrow when they got too weak on their own.

**Note- I feel like the beginning of this was a little iffy but I kinda found my rhythm after a little bit. But then the ending kinda fell apart and all my chapters seem to fall into the same pattern. Sorry if my sentence structure/punctuation gets a little nutty at times I was trying to make a point with it but it might just seem nuts. Hope you guys enjoyed, well maybe enjoyed isn't the word, this chapter, I'm going to try to get one more chapter of Every Saint done before Tuesday as well. I had planned on getting more done this weekend while I could but I was unusually busy. And if any one thinks any part of this was overly dramatic, it's not, I have had so many people in my life go through things like this for such stupid reasons. I mean I personally spent my entire freshman year of highschool hiding in the library during lunch, right by the philosophy and psychology books because the librarian couldn't see me there so I was free to eat. I read every single one of those books that year. Simply because there was no one I wanted to spend that much time around. Personal story time, my kind of ex boyfriend struggled with severe depression for years, went through a period where he would burn himself because his parents didn't see there was anything wrong with him and let him collect lighters, and I was there trying to help him through it even when he hated me for it. I have a friend I see as a little sister who tried to kill herself over a bad breakup and came to me to help her despite the fact I barely knew her at the time. So I hope you guys think I did the subject at least a little justice.**

**Now I wanna take a minute to discuss why this was Connor. I'd been toying with the idea of this chapter for awhile but wasn't sure. And someone suggested I do this with Murphy because he seemed like he would struggle more. Which is exactly why I picked Connor. I already covered why Murphy got the Normal tattoo, Murphy was the one struggling with his own image, with bullies, with his moms boyfriend. And Connor isn't perfect. Just because he doesn't seem as likely to get into as much or as many of these situations that doesn't mean he wouldn't have his fair share of struggles in his life. He can't always be he strong one protecting his brother, bad things are going to happen to him too. And he would deal with this pain and struggling differently than Murphy would, and frankly I haven't written much of Connor like that, at least I don't think so. Just because Murphy is more emotional doesn't mean Connor doesn't have emotions. And I picked the thigh for the reasons listed in the chapter, as well as the fact you don't see Connors' inner upper thigh in the movie so you wouldn't know if he had scars.**

**This is probably the last chapter I'll get to post for a little bit, so I want to tell you guys how much every review you've written means to me, how inspiring and encouraging it is to see you guys put so much time in to not only reading my writing but really looking at it and sharing what you think of it with me. And I really really hope this forced hiatus doesn't cost me you guys as readers. Words cannot express how grateful I am for every single word you've ever typed in your reviews and every encouraging thing you've ever said about my writing. There is no better compliment to a writer than to hear that they make people feel, make an impact and have an effect, that their words move them and you guys have given me that many many times. **

**And I stop just short of begging, keep up with me, I've really come to enjoy you guys even just in the form of your reviews. I don't know how old you are so you might be totally out of the demographic for tumblr, but I promise I'll keep you guys updated there, everything concerning my writing or anything related to it will be tagged together for organization, feel free to just click the ask me anything button on my blog and chat with me when you have any free time. I'll stop this pathetic train of conversation now though. **

**Fun fact about the last chapter, the belt checking idea was based on the fact my (sadly former) best friend always used to tighten my belt before the rides at six flags took off because she was convinced I was so skinny I would fall out :p And just because I want to share it with someone and I got the scores as I was typing this, I scored higher than 97% of students in the united states on my critical reading and writing on the SAT standardized test, just kinda proud of myself despite the fact I did awful in the math and sadly somehow only got half credit for my essay :( **

**Lots of love guys. I'm really hoping to still post when I can so please keep an eye out and just keep doing what you do. And this chapter is officially the longest thing I've ever posted on fanfiction even without the authors note added, this story is also the longest thing I've published and is just going to keep getting longer :P seriously guys I'd love to chat or fangirl or anything on tumblr as well if you'd like, that'll be my only way to really communicate for a bit.**

** Thank you guys again for everything you've done for me and all the amazing encouragement and everything else, The best compliment you can give a writer is letting them know they move you and make you feel. I know I said that already but i just want to reiterate it. And I hope this was a decent way to leave for a couple weeks. and i'm on severe weather watch again, living in tornado alley sucks.**


	18. The Brothers, Rosaries

The boys birthday was always a difficult time for Annabelle, her desire to give her boys the world contrasting sharply with her limited at best finances. She knew that they would tell her it was fine and they didn't care but it didn't change her guilt at being able to get them almost nothing. She ran her fingers through her hair as she thought, trying desperately to come up with something she could do for them, they wouldn't expect anything but that only made her more determined to do something special to surprise them. Not being entirely sure what she would get them even if she had money further complicated the issue. She turned around thinking she heard a door open, Connor appeared at the entry to the kitchen rubbing one eye. Annabelle felt the troubled frown she hadn't even noticed on her lips melt away into a smile at how sweet he looked.

"What're ya doing up Connor?"

"Me and Murphy just wanted somethin to drink." Connor mumbled, his hair hanging in his eyes he brushed it aside irate.

"You shoulda been asleep a long time ago." Annabelle reprimanded softly. "Why are you two still up?"

Connor shrugged crookedly, "We were thirsty."

Ma almost wanted to shake her head, sometimes it was just bizarre the way almost everything was plural with them, it seemed like everything they said was we, very rarely was it I. Almost eleven years and they still did things that just baffled her sometimes. Murphys' face peeked around the wall, "What's takin so long Connor?"

Connor silently padded over to the cabinet, climbed up on the counter to reach the cups, grabbed two and jumped back down landing lightly on his feet. Filling both he handed one to Murphy and they disappeared again, still not speaking yet as Murphy almost crashed into the door frame Annabelle saw Connor just barely touch him and guide him the other way without even seeming to look at him. Lord she loved her boys, but sometimes they were just weird.

There was a week left for Annabelle to figure out what to do when the box arrived. Small and plain, not even a sent from address on top she would have thought it was a mistake it had been delivered to her if her name and address weren't scribbled clearly, the only marking on the whole thing. The boys were at school and she had some time left in her lunch break, there wouldn't be any harm in opening it. Cutting through the tape she reached in cautiously, living alone as long as she had and where she was she had learned to be careful to the point of paranoia when it came to any kind of unknown. She pulled out a little tissue paper wrapped bundle and underneath it a note. She had absolutely no idea what anyone would be sending them or why for that matter. She unwrapped the thin paper and a tangle of what looked like wooden beads tumbled out. She flipped over one of the attached tags, Connor was written clearly by a careful hand on one, Murphy on the other. Untangling the strands she suddenly had a sneaking suspicion she knew who has sent it. Two rosaries laid side by side on the table as she undid the last knot, almost perfect replicas of his. Hands shaking she picked up the note, not even reading it her eyes skipped straight to the bottom. Noah.

Trying to steel herself to read what else was written there she examined the rosaries. The one marked Murphy looked slightly longer, maybe just because she knew even if they were the same length it would look longer on Murphy. Either Noah had assumed they were the same height or he had forgotten which was which. She could hardly fault him for it when she hadn't let him see then more than one only months after they had been born. Although even then she was relatively sure Connor had been just slightly bigger. The craftsmanship in the rosaries was obvious, each bead looked carefully cut and sanded smoothly, the crosses carved evenly with great attention paid to detail, the metal rings around the center perfectly fitted and sized. And every inch mimicked Noahs' to perfection. Unable to put it off any longer she picked the paper back up.

Anna

It had been years since anyone had called her Anna, she could still hear the warm affection in his voice when he said it, see the smile on his lips.

I know the boys birthday is soon, and I'm guessing you take them to church, I still know you well enough to be confident in that at least. I know you won't tell them these are from me but please give them to them, I want to know they have something from me and I hope they'll like them. I know it's hardly an ideal birthday present for a young boy but hopefully they'll appreciate it later if nothing else. I would have sent more if I could.

Love

Noah

Annabelle set the sheet down and looked at the harmless rosaries, they looked too big, like they were made for adults, but there was really no harm in giving them to them. Just recently the boys had asked her why they didn't have rosaries when they went to church almost every week. Some Sundays it was a fight to get them up and presentable and convincing them to stop fidgeting was a lot like convincing a cat it should take a bath, but if there was one thing she had done right by her boys it was instill a healthy respect of the church in them. She had been too embarrassed to admit she couldn't afford to buy nice ones, and cheap ones would just be one more reason for everyone else to look down on the single mom and her bastard twins. She had grown up hearing the word bastard thrown around casually, but had grown to detest it thoroughly, loathing it a little more with every time she heard it used ignorantly against her twins. She wrapped the rosaries up slowly in separate sheets of colored tissue with just the tags sticking out, she considered switching the two so Connor would have the longer one, but for some reason it just felt wrong, as if Noah had tagged them himself with some kind of reasoning, not that she had ever been able to tell what was going on in his mind.

It was a complete accident Annabelle stumbled across their presents from her. Walking home from work just a few nights before their birthday a going out of business sign in the window of a stationary shop caught her eye. But more than the sign she saw the nicely bound journal next to it with Connor engraved in scrolling font across the cover. She just had to go in.

Picking up the journal in the window she started looking for Murphy, nervously aware his name was nowhere near as common, finding a pain black one she compared the two. If she bought them both the same one they would mix them up constantly. Flipping through the plain black one she realized it was a sketchbook instead of a journal, perfect really, Murphy was more visual, prone to doodling while Connor had more of a gift for words, preferring to make lists and write things down. She scrutinized the two side by side, should she get two plain black ones after all and just do a sketchbook and a journal so they could tell the difference.

Having requested the day off work Annabelle got to work on making a cake as soon as they left for school. She would never claim to be any good at baking really but she was going to try dammit, her cakes had improved little by little each year and she had a good feeling about this year. That is it she could find the damn sugar.

Murphy opened the door and held it for Connor, neither of them expecting anything other than every other day they were rather surprised to see their Ma standing in the kitchen. Two neatly wrapped packages sat on the end table, a balloon tied to each had their respective names written on them to denote whose was whose. Both boys smiled excited y, "Ma, aww you didn't have to get us anythin." Their voices overlapped as they spoke almost the same words together.

"You boys deserve a little somethin." Annabelle grinned, "Go ahead an open 'em"

Without even looking at each other they selected the books first, Annabelle watched their faces as they peeled the paper away, moving slowly clearly trying to appear less excited than they were. Luckily the man who ran the store she had bought them at had seen her struggling and after hearing her situation offered to engrave the sketchbook for free.

"This is really neat." Murphy gushed as he flipped through his.

"Definitely." Connor concurred, "Do you have a pen Murph?"

"Hey there should be one more for each of ya over there, calm down a bit would ya." Annabelle couldn't help but giggle quietly, there were lots of things someone could say about her boys, but no one would ever be able to say they weren't grateful for every little thing and kindness they received.

"These look really nice Ma." Connor spoke hesitantly, suspecting she had spent more money than she had as he slid the wooden beads through his fingers. Murphy had already slipped his over his neck and was admiring it quietly where it hung. She had been right, they were almost ridiculously long.

"C'mere, let me tie 'em shorter." Annabelle knotted the backs so they hung at a more reasonable length. Standing back to admire her boys suddenly they looked just like younger versions of Noah, maybe that had been the plan all along, to keep himself in her mind somehow. She couldn't change her mind about it now though, she would just have to learn to associate that rosary with her sons instead of their father.

"How about some cake?"

As they leaned over to blow out the candles on their cake, half chocolate for Murphy half vanilla for Connor one of the few areas they differed, Annabelle snapped a picture of them illuminated by just the candlelight, leaning forward in perfect symmetry with one another. It wouldn't be until much later she had her photos developed and noticed the way their rosaries pooled on the table together in front of them, the crosses just barely touching.

Note: so as you can see I'm posting again already :p I don't know how I thought I'd manage to stop writing for any reason really. This does take a little longer but it could be worse, you guys would probably laugh at me if you could see me all curled up tapping away at my little kindle screen. Now this app doesn't have very good spelling or grammar check, and it has a Swype keyboard so it switches words around sometimes, I try my best to catch when that happens but some might slip through so if it's just poorly formatted and a mess and I would be better off not even trying just let me know.

Sorry you guys got basically another Annabelle chapter, I lost my entire idea bank with my computer so throw as many as you can think of at me. If this sucks just tell me I'm kinda just trying to figure things out with writing this way.

So technically I'm back already, but next weekend is my graduation then right after I'm leaving for Chicago for two weeks so those weeks my posting really depends on if I have Wi-Fi access. But as far as the rest of summer and all is concerned I figured something out, it won't be as often but it's better than nothing right?

More personal ramblings you may or may not read, I'm considering pursuing writing in college despite not really wanting to go to college and despite the fact my family thinks it's stupid.

Also would you guys lose respect for me if I decided to write some Connor x Murphy? I mean some people get really weird about that, I mean I usually think it's weird this is the first time I've thought about writing it?

Love you guys and hope it made you smile to see an update :)


	19. The Brothers, Horror

"Hey Connor you see the previews for that exorcist movie?" Murphy asked, his eyes lighting up mischievously.

"Yeah what about it?" Connor looked up from he sat constructing some kind of model for class. He knew enough to be concerned about where this conversation was about to start heading.

"We should go see it."

Connor almost started shaking his head like he was Murphys' parent, not that he hadn't seen it coming from a mile away. "We couldn't even get in Murph, plus you've never even seen a scary movie before."

"Neither have you!" Murphy shot back, wondering if his brother was implying he wasn't brave enough and if he should be offended.

"No I haven't but I'm also not suggesting I start now." Connor sighed.

"Oi, you're scared." Murphy crowed, "Poor little baby Connor is too scared to see a movie."

"Shut up." Connor threw a random piece of debris at Murphy, unwilling to admit he was a little afraid, "I value actually bein' able to sleep at night." He defended himself weakly.

"CHICK-EN." Murphy yelled, and one step ahead of Connor sprang to his feet and bolted out of the room. Connor threw down everything he had in his hands and took off after him.

The chase spanned the entire area of the house, over under and around furniture, Murphy just barely escaping out of Connors' reach several times. Until attempting one particularly improbable leap over the back of the couch Murphy tripped, Connor was quick to take advantage of it and grabbed his arms, yanking him backwards and collapsing into a heap on the floor. After several minutes of intense scuffling for dominance, neither one of them intending to actually hurt the other, they wore themselves out and ended up laying defeated on the floor arguing about which one of them had come out on top and won.

"I'll go see it with you if you admit I won." Connor grinned smugly.

"Fine let's go tomorrow." Murphy sat up and crossed his arms.

"I wanna hear you say it." Connor rolled over, almost sitting up and losing motivation halfway.

"Say what?" Murphy raised an eyebrow.

"You know what smart ass." Connor smacked his leg halfheartedly.

"No I don't." Murphy smirked defiantly.

"Say I won." Connor threatened.

"I won." Murphys' grin had turned into a full blown cat that ate the canary expression.

"You say I won right now or we aren't going." Connor tried to sound as dead serious as he could.

"I already said I won."

"This is your last chance or I'm not going Murphy." Connor growled, irrationally irritated over the matter, "Say Connor you win and now I'm going to make dinner."

"Fine." Murphy huffed. "You won Connor, even though I was clearly on top most of the time and I'm not making your dinner."

Connor sighed, it was the best he was going to get. And actually, now that he thought about it, he didn't really trust Murphy to make dinner anyway. "Asshat." Connor kicked him softly in the ribs as he stood up and walked into the kitchen.

"We're goin' to a movie Ma." Connor called as he checked his pocket one more time for the money, not trusting Murphy with it.

"Have fun, don' be out too late and don' cause any trouble." Ma called back, not thinking for a moment her boys were off to go traumatize themselves.

Murphy was more nervous than he was willing to admit, suddenly doubting his determination to see the movie. But there was no way he could go back now, he would never hear the end of it.

Walking alongside him Connor was similarly worried and unwilling to acknowledge it. Sneaking a peek at Murphy next to him he never would have guessed his brother was anything but cool and collected, not a trace of concern on his face or in his movements. The movie theater felt much farther away than it was, the walk had never felt so long.

Buying tickets to some nonsense movie Connor glanced around furtively as though at any moment someone would guess what they were doing and swoop in to stop them. He didn't think he would have complained either, with every second the show time got closer he felt more apprehensive, regretting his decision to indulge in Murphys' whims. He considered getting popcorn but quickly thought better of it.

Loitering in the lobby waiting to be able to sneak into the theater unnoticed Murphy started fidgeting uneasily, the more he thought about it the more nervous he got. Eventually it seemed as though everyone else in the theaters attention was directed elsewhere and they slipped in just in time to hear the theme music start.

It didn't take long for the twins to be grasping each others hands tight enough to be losing feeling in their fingers, Murphy was leaning over the arm rest against Connors shoulder, Connor squirmed noticeably more than once and at one point rested his free hand on the side of Murphys' face as though he wanted to cover his eyes. Neither of them had any sense of time gone by, not wanting to see any more but not wanting to look away either, in the almost full theater they could hear others jump and gasp and react as well. But instead of taking comfort in the presence of other people it became ominous, any one of them could be something other than what they appeared to be and in the dark no one would know. As the thought crossed Connors mind he almost dragged Murphy out of the theater.

"That was AWESOME." Murphy crowed enthusiastically as they walked out, movie finally over after what felt like days they found themselves in the lobby again as it occurred to them that they had to walk home. In the dark. By themselves. Eventually making it outside Connor looped his arm through Murphys' and took off running like they were being chased, the fact that Murphy didn't protest in the slightest gave away the fact that he was just as paranoid. Laughing, whooping and hollering they sprinted through the familiar streets like they were being chased, attracting quite a few concerned glances, but as it was painfully obvious there was absolutely nothing after them anyone who bothered to look quickly resumed their own activities.

Murphy brushed his teeth with the door open, suddenly wary of being in small enclosed spaces, Connor shifted in bed so he could keep an eye on his brother until he got back to their room, twisting into the only spot where he could see a glimpse of the bathroom, just enough to see Murphys' vague form. Any notion of weird or creepy or issues of invading privacy were pushed to the back of his mind by irrational concern, if they had ever really come to mind at all.

Flipping the lights off Murphy quite literally leapt into his bed, praying Connor hadn't seen and pulled the blankets over his head.

He really shouldn't have been surprised he couldn't sleep. His mind raced, somehow taking the most terrifying bits of the movie and morphing them into something even more grotesque, he peered out from under the safety of his blanket towards Connors' bed, he could tell by the way he was breathing he was still awake as well. Slowly Murphy rolled over, pulling the blanket up with him he wrapped it around his shoulders and padded quietly across the room to Connors bed.

Connor heard Murphy rustling around and turned over, shooting backwards in alarm as he saw only a dark outline standing over him, slowly the outline took on his brothers familiar features. "What is it Murph?" He slurred, trying to keep his panic and irritation out of his voice.

"Can I sleep with you?" Murphy mumbled, looking down embarrassed.

"This was your stupid idea Murph." Connor grumbled. His brother looked so pathetic standing there in boxers and a tank top, blanket around his shoulders, eyes heavy with exhaustion as he looked down ashamed with the moonlight shading his hair he was reminiscent of a child in his parents room after a bad dream. "Fine get in." Connor sighed and shifted over to make room. He tried to sound reluctant as Murphy squirmed in next to him and snuggled closer than usual, but the truth was ever since the lights had gone off he had been waiting for his brother to crawl in bed with him, confident he would, providing comfort for both of them without him having to admit he was just as afraid.

**Authors note: So I've managed yet another chapter already :p I really do look and feel ridiculous writing like this but it's better than not writing at least, and I'm really starting to get the hang of this. I will admit just this once I didn't quite do my math and research and don't know how old the boys would have been when the exorcist came out, but I have a reason for picking that particular movie. A) when it was released it was the most terrifying thing to ever hit the theaters, and still is to many people and B) I remember my dad telling me about his mom going to see it in theaters, she passed out, not to mention that particular theater passed out barf bags. which is vaguely amusing mostly because my dad and I are horror movie junkies afraid of nothing, so that's the inspiration/reasoning behind that. Basically I'm a horror lover who's been allowed to watch r rated movies and read adult horror novels since I was like twelve that's where this idea started.**

**Random fun fact because for some reason I think you're interested in these things I also used some of my own horror movie watching habits for them, me and my best friend until recently always ended up on each others laps holding hands when watching legitimately frightening movies, it was a running joke you could tell how good a scary movie was by how close we were sitting.**

**Also we all know Connor is the one who does the cooking.**

**And just so you guys know any slash/ Connor x Murphy I write I was planning on starting a separate story, just wanted to clear up the confusion on that, so if you want to read it I'll publish it as a new story on here soon, but this story will be strictly them as brothers.**

**And I need ideas! Every single idea I had written down is lost now so I need to restock, anything you can think of is welcome. **

**Gonna get all sentimental for a minute now so skip if your not interested, but any one of you who has ever reviewed my writing, especially this story, has reminded me how much writing means to me and how much I love words. I have a story on here, pretty dark about self harm and suicide, that still hasn't been finished, that I wrote at 15, on my cell phone with no spelling or grammar check, that people still contact me about to tell me how powerful and real it was to them and reach out to me about their own person experiences with the subject and tell me how intense and honest and truly it was written. And that is just really amazing to hear when you've grown up being overlooked because your 'talents' are creative and useless in the real world and just hobbys. So thank you so much every one of you, I love you all and every word you write to me means so much. Sentimental rambling over now.**

**Random life story about the boondock saints, went to buy a saints shirt yesterday and spent 30 minutes talking about the movies with the guy working there**

**If anyone is still reading this, I promise I haven't given up on every saint, I'm just having a hard time with the next chapter. Lots of love to you guys, keep an eye out cause I'm still writing :) and if this is super short let me know, among the things I've lost in translation here, I no longer have a word count. **


	20. The Brothers, Only Child

"I wish you'd never even been born." Murphy spat disgustedly, wiping blood off his chin. Their play fighting had somehow escalated into something more violent, but Connor hadn't meant to crack his brother in the lip he really hadn't. Blood dripped freely down from his lip, Connor watched transfixed in stunned silence at his brothers words. Murphy stood up and stormed off, shoving Connor roughly out of his way. "Would have made me and Ma's lives easier."

Connor sat statue still on the floor, barely even breathing as Murphys' words echoed and repeated in his mind. Could he really think that? Was it really possible his brother he adored so much wished he didn't exist? He couldn't imagine what his life would be like without Murphy, was he wrong assuming he felt the same way? He wrapped his arms around his chest as if he was holding himself together, trying to hold back tears.

Murphy leaned forward to examine his lip in the mirror, slowly peeling it forward to inspect the damage. The gash cut across his whole lower lip, gaping open grotesquely as blood continued to flow freely the taste of it filling his mouth, the meaty look of it vaguely unsettling it really probably needed stitches, not that he was going to tell Ma. Connor knocked on the door to the bathroom.

"Murph you ok? Do you need help?" Connor called meekly, his concern for his brother overriding the other conflicted feelings running through him.

"I'm fine." Murphy snapped, feeling his lip peel apart with the movement. "Just go away." He pressed another wad of toilet paper to the wound.

Not wanting Murphy to see how deep his words had affected him Connor slunk outside and collapsed to his knees on the narrow landing of the fire escape, pulling his knees to his chest and burying his face in them as a few tears slowly began to force through his stoic facade.

It wasn't as though the thought had never run through his mind before, how Ma's life would have been so much easier with just one of them, one less mouth to feed, one less body to clothe, one less human being to worry about. And somehow in his mind it was always Murphy he pictured there instead of himself, he never even consciously thought about it that way it just was, Ma and Murphys' lives would be so much easier without him around. Yet despite that it hurt to hear Murphy say it, as though it was ok for him to think it would make life easier for everyone else if he didn't exist but not ok for Murphy to say the same thing. He wanted to think his brother viewed him as more important to his life than that. But maybe he deserved it, he should have been more aware of what he was doing and maybe he wouldn't have hurt him, maybe then he wouldn't have said what he did. Unless he felt like that all the time and had just never said it before. It was an awful ugly crushing feeling to feel so utterly unwanted by the most important person in his life, as though he had nothing to live for if Murphy didn't want him to leave. Connor ran his fingers through his short hair and for the briefest moment, so brief he barely even finished the thought considered just jumping off the fire escape.

Ma was home in time to eat dinner with them, a rare occurrence she always liked to take complete advantage of by cooking a real meal that didn't go in the microwave, even if it meant they didn't get to actually eat until nine thirty, and sitting down to eat together. The mood at the table was clearly more subdued than usual, Connor couldn't seem to stop looking at Murphys' obviously swollen lip, the pain of every bite written across his face even as he refused to meet Connors' eyes. Connor sawed vigorously at the cheap cut of meat on his plate, a rare treat he couldn't seem to muster up any excitement for through the crushing guilt he couldn't shake, he didn't even realize he had cut clear through it until he heard the scrape of his knife on their only non plastic dishes. His hand shook as he raised it to his mouth, at least for the moment it seemed as though the unnatural silence was nothing but hungry eagerness to demolish their food, he silently begged Murphy to look at him, even with the distance between them he could tell he should have his lip stitched.

His mind wandered away once again, maybe if he hadn't been born Ma would have been and to afford a better cut of meat because they wouldn't need as much, maybe Murphy wouldn't be wearing a slightly too big bleach stained shirt with a hole in the collar and armpit from the salvation army, maybe Ma wouldn't look so, so tired. He would have liked to think Murphy would be upset if he were to just disappear but apparently that wasn't the case after all.

"Hey Ma, would you take a look at Murphys' lip? He tripped earlier and bit it, I think it might need stitches." Connor blurted, unable to fight off his concern for his brother even though he knew Murphy would only hate him more for it.

"Let me see Murphy." Ma looked at him sternly, ignoring his scowl.

"I'm fine. He just worries too much." He argued.

"Now Murphy."

Murphy reluctantly pouted his lower lip out, all too aware of the sickening way the two halves of his lip separated as he did so. Ma looked vaguely alarmed and more than a little grossed out at the sight.

"Get in the car, we're going to the emergency room. Again." She sighed, they really were quite lucky to be relatively close to a charity hospital that offered plenty of discounts to almost free care or else she would have to choose between having deformed unhealthy kids or being homeless with kids in one piece.

Connor got up on instinct at the words, not thinking until he had already risen that maybe Murphy didn't want him to go with anyway. But if he didn't go there would be questions, not to mention he probably wouldn't be allowed to stay home alone at night. He followed belatedly out the door.

Connor hovered near the bed where Murphy sat waiting for the doctor while Ma filled out yet more paperwork that they really should have on file considering how often they were there. Murphy looked stoically ahead refusing to validate Connors' presence at his side, Connor was well aware that telling Ma would only make Murphy angrier with him but at least he knew his brother was receiving the medical attention he wouldn't admit he needed. Not sure what else to do with himself Connor stayed at his brothers side, the only place he knew he always belonged.

The doctor was nowhere near as gentle as Ma had been while examining Murphys' lip, yanking it forward roughly resplitting what little healing had already been done. Murphy winced noticeably, his hand reaching out of instinct before he realized what he was doing, he let it fall to the sterile plastic mattress in defeat.

The first prick of the needle looked painful enough Connor almost looked away, until he saw the way Murphy flinched at the touch. Disregarding any thought of what Murphy might say it be thinking about it Connor grabbed his hand, he wasn't going to let his brother suffer alone.

Murphy sat on his bed gingerly applying some sort of oral ointment pain relief gel to his stitches, Connor slunk in the door quietly and hesitated as he went to sit on his own bed instead he chanced sitting on Murphys'. They sat in uncomfortable heavy silence for several long moments, both of their minds racing with things they wanted to say.

"Did you really mean it Murphy?" Connor took a deep breath, swinging his legs childishly off the edge.

"Mean what?" Murphy stared straight ahead.

"Do you really wish you were the only child, that I had never been born?" Connor looked brokenly up.

Murphy glanced sideways at him out of the corner of his eyes. "It woulda made Ma's life an awful lot easier to only have one of us. But I wouldn't want to not have you around, we're twins, there has to be two of us. It just sucks sometimes when things are hard or you piss me off." Murphy had never claimed to be tactful or eloquent, but his heart was in the right place at least. Connor leaned his head against his shoulder.

"You want me to get you a popsicle for your lip, or help you with that gel?" He offered.

**Authors note: Wow this took forever, sorry about that I've had family in town and end of the year crap to do, as well as some really emotional goodbyes I had to make. However I've officially graduated high school and have all summer to write now :) hope you enjoyed this chapter after so long, it always makes me laugh when one of you suggests an idea I've thought about before and this is one I'd come up with before. Keep em coming guys :) I feel like I'm kind of out of my writing groove with this lately, so let me know what you think. also I lack a word count and autocorrect kicks my butt sometimes so if these are abnormally short or full of nonsense let me know, I'm also typing this with a migraine which isn't helping. And I feel like there's too much crying in this story sometimes, is this too "emotional" there's also lots of hospital visits but they seem pretty prone to those :p if you don't mind me asking what time zones are my regular girls in? I get your reviews at the weirdest times sometimes so I was just curious :p hopefully now I'll have nothing but time for the three BDS stories it seemed like a good idea to try writing at the same time. **


	21. The Brothers,

Murphy stood just inside the front door, both knees bleeding visibly through the holes in his jeans and staining the surrounding material as well.

"Did ya fall again Murph?" Connor sighed, "How many times do I have to tell you tie your shoes and not run up the stairs. Walk up them like a normal person for chris'sakes, maybe then this wouldn't happen, nothin' here for you to be excited enough to run to anyway." Connor scolded. Murphy just stood silently and looked at him pleadingly with big doe eyes. Connor heaved another sigh. "Alright let's go clean you up. Again."

The meager contents of the first aid kit were scattered across the counter, Connor sometimes thought he ought to get a job just to pay for the amount of bandaids, antibiotic cream, ice packs and ibuprofen they needed on a regular basis, and Murphy sat on the edge of the bathtub while Connor kneeled in front of him tending to his scraped knees.

"Do any of your clothes fit?" Connor noticed the hem of his brothers jeans was clearly several inches above his shoes, his shirt hanging down almost to the bloody rips in his knees. Murphy just shrugged noncommittally.

"We'll head down to goodwill or the salvation army soon, I don't know how many more times I can tape these shoes together either." Out of childhood habit he leaned forward and gently kissed the bandaid he had just secured over the freshly cleaned injury before moving on to the other knee.

Wrapping his arms around his belly Murphy rolled out of bed with a groan, he needed to go to the bathroom, he didn't want to throw up on the floor but god it hurt he hated being sick. Stumbling to his feet he tripped, hitting something that made a noise loud enough to startle Connor out of his slumber.

"Murphy? S'that you? Wha's goin' on?" Connor shot upright in a panic.

"Sorry." Murphy mumbled, "'M not feelin' good." Swaying unsteadily Murphy took another step towards the door only to fall down and promptly vomit. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Connor." He whimpered, ashamed of himself tears gathering behind his eyes. "I'll clean it up."

"Just lay back down Murph, I've got it." Connor bent over trying to avoid getting anything on himself and carefully lifted Murphy under the shoulders, easing him tenderly back into his bed. "I'll get you a glass of water, and a bucket or something."

"I'm really sorry." Murphy looked at him pathetically, realizing if he tried to get up to clean he would likely just throw up again.

"Murphy it's fine, it's not like you did it on purpose." Connor brushed a hand across his brothers forehead, he had a bit of a fever too hopefully nothing too serious. "Oh don't cry it's ok." Connor floundered for a moment before leaning in and feathering a light kiss against his forehead. "I'll be right back to clean up, I'll bring you some water. If you have to throw up again just try to get it in the same spot."

All the lights in the apartment were off, and turning them on would wake Ma, who would only get angry that they had woken her up, so Connor fumbled around in the dark trying not to make any noise and defeat the purpose of leaving the lights off.

By the time he had located rags, soap, and a bucket and made his way back to the room Murphy had fallen back into a fitful sleep, his dark hair plastered to his fevered skin. Connor tucked the bucket against the nightstand and smoothed his hair back again.

Finishing his scrubbing Connor rinsed everything off in the sink and grabbed a small ice pack, nestling it in under his brothers pillow Connor finally crawled into bed exhausted.

"You said you would stop fighting Murphy." Connor groaned add he caught sight of his brother waiting for him at the front door to the school. "What happened this time?"

Murphy shrugged noncommittally, looking down he scuffed his shoes on the tile. A cut split through his eyebrow, blood caked on his eyelid from it, he had a black eye already swelling closed, distinctively finger shaped bruising blooming on his pale throat.

"You're going to get your ass expelled Murph, and I don't even wanna think about that."

"'S'not like anyone cares." Murphy mumbled, still not looking up. Connor felt a tiny piece of his heart break at the words.

"I care Murphy, and that might have to be enough sometimes. Let's go patch you up." Connor squeezed his shoulder, not sure what else to say. "You gotta stop this." Connor gently brushed a fresh drop of blood away.

Murphy sprawled gracelessly across the couch, Connor leaned back against the arm with his legs thrown casually across his brother as they ate dinner with a movie playing on their battered old tv. Ma was drinking in the kitchen, a situation they generally preferred to avoid if they could, she got a little belligerent if she overstepped her limits sometimes, luckily that only happened occasionally, and they knew she loved them but didn't want to tempt fate if they didn't have to. Connor shifted where he sat, there wasn't enough furniture in the living room for them to sit separately and with every day that went by it became more difficult for both of them to fit on the couch. One wrong movement of his feet sent Murphys' plate crashing to the floor.

"Really Connor." Murphy groaned exasperatedly.

"I'll clean it up." Connor grumbled as he rolled awkwardly over Murphys' legs to locate a towel. He peered cautiously around the corner to the kitchen just in case and tried to step as quietly as he could. Ma sat at the table looking down vacantly at her drink, her eyes hazy and unfocused.

"I wish I'd never e'en 'ad you bastards." Ma spat as Connor had no choice but to walk right past her. "Ruined my life an' I ain' got shit to show for. Useless fucks both of ya." She took a swat at him that he only barely danced out of the way of. Eyes stinging he grabbed a towel off the sink and practically ran out of the kitchen, she couldn't mean that it had to be the alcohol talking. Things had always been hard, but they couldn't really be that bad could they, she usually loved them more than anything. Mopping the spill off the floor he crawled back onto the couch, nuzzling closer to his brother than he usually comfortably could.

"Why does Ma hate us Connor?" Murphy asked quietly, his eyes cast down out of pain or shame.

"Ma doesn't hate us Murphy. Things just get hard sometimes." Connor thought he felt his heart stop as the words crossed his brothers lips, not sure what hurt more, the fact Murphy thought that or the fact that he had to be the one to reassure him instead of Ma being around to do it herself.

"I just feel like no one cares about us. We're on our own." Murphy murmured as he sat down and kicked his shoes off.

"She does the best she can Murph." Connor sank down next to him and did the same.

"Sometimes that's not good enough." Murphy pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his cheek on them. "Doesn't she have any time for us, there has to be some time?"

Connor just wrapped his arms around his brother, it was the best he could do. Sometimes he hated it, the way he had to function as Murphys' mother because she was never around, had to take care of him because no one else would. But he loved his brother more than anything and he knew he would always do anything he needed him to; and he really did enjoy it more often than he loathed it, enjoyed watching out for him and making sure he was alright, he really wasn't sure he would trust anyone else with his brothers safekeeping anyway, actually he didn't even think he could trust Murphy to keep Murphy safe.

Finally Murphy dozed off, Connor still sitting on the edge of his bed with one hand resting on his knee. Murphy looked like such a child still when he slept, he made a tiny sound and shifted just a hair closer to Connor. That was when Connor made up his mind.

She was rooting through the fridge for another beer when Connor crept into the kitchen. A bolt of disgust he never would never expected echoed through him, they frequently struggled to eat three meals a day yet she managed to find money for alcohol without fail, sometimes they would find it was the only thing in their fridge.

"We need to talk." Connors' eyebrows furrowed slightly, shouldn't this be the other way around, why did he sound like the adult?

"Connor, why aren't you in bed?" Ma turned around, bottle in hand, going as far as to take a long sip while she waited for him to answer.

"When's the last time you actually talked to Murphy? Spent time with him? Do you know anything about what's going on in his life?" Connor crossed his arms unconsciously as though he was protecting himself.

Ma just took another sip, clearly not her first of the night, and stared at him like he had grown a third head. "I see you boys every day." She slurred, clearly not understanding what he was saying.

"Can you just stop fucking drinking for ten minutes." Connor grabbed the bottle out of her hand, not caring what consequences he might face for both his language and actions. "Do you not see how much it hurts Murphy that you're like this, he just wants you to give a shit about him sometimes. He got into another fight last week and I had to get him from the nurse. And all they wanted to know was why a parent never shows up for him." As far as he was concerned his own feelings of abandonment and neglect were irrelevant, he didn't care if he was ignored as long as Murphy wasn't. "You're never home. And when you are, you're drinking." He spat.

"It's just so hard Connor, you don' understand how hard I work for the two of ya. I try ta do right by my boys."

"That's not an excuse, we know it's hard but that doesn't mean we don't need you at home too." Connor was surprised to hear his voice crack as he suddenly couldn't think of anything other than what she had said to him a few weeks ago, that they had ruined her life.

"I can' do everything Connor." She continued to try to make excuses.

"You're the only parent we have Ma! You got yourself into this when you got yourself knocked up, twin boys with no dad, it's not easy for us either and the least you can do is know how we are! You owe us that much." Connor had slipped into speaking for both of them once again, feeling like an ass claiming they were owed anything when she did do so much for them but that didn't excuse her either. He realized belatedly his yelling had probably woken Murphy.

Sure enough Murphy materialized at the door. "Connor what're ya yellin' about so late?" His sleep hazy eyes brimmed with confusion.

Before Connor could open his mouth to respond Ma butted in belligerently. "He thinks I don' do enough for ya, that I drink too much and its my fault ya don' 'ave a dad."

Murphy shook his head sadly, "C'mon Connor, let's go back to bed. It's fine." He tugged on his brothers arm. Connor looked at him, hair sticking up funny, eyes clouded with sleep as he held on to him for guidance. "Connor I jus' wanna go to bed."

Unable to resist the pleas Connor shot one last dirty look at Ma; both of them silently acknowledging the argument was far from over, that the topic would come up again and again, and turned around.

"I'm sorry I woke you up." Connor stood in the middle of the room deciding if he wanted to sleep in his own bed or crawl in with Murphy.

"It's fine. You don't have to fight her for me Connor."

"I hate that she never sees you, it's like she barely knows who we are."

"I don' know about you. But I don' need her, I've got you." Murphy said honestly.

"We don' need anyone else." Connor reaffirmed, it hurt, the state their relationship with their Ma was in lately, and he wasn't going to just let it drop. But Murphy was right they had each other. Connor made his decision and crawled under Murphys' blanket.

**Authors note: so the format here was a bit different from the others, I hope it wasn't a problem. And I'm sadly down south in Texas, so central time, back home in Chicago for a little while, but same time zone. However, I was seriously on tornado watch here! I thought I was leaving that behind when I left tornado alley and went on vacation! This is also my excuse for why this took so long...There might even be a picture of my ugly mug on my tumblr under the boondock brothers darling tag I was using. I hope this was a little longer I'm still just eyeballing it, the length looks totally different on a 7in touchscreen than it probably does on the computer. I really hope you guys liked this, this feels like one of the more intense chapters I've written lately but that might just be because I had to spend so long writing it in my spare time instead of just sitting down and writing it all. Also to anyone reading my Connor x Murphy fic I should be updating that next, any ideas for either story are always welcome.**

**And compelled really is a good word for how I write, I just look over my ideas until I just know how one of them should happen.**

**Funny story. One of the most awkward moments of my life was probably sitting in an authentic Irish pub for lunch. With my boondock saints shirt on. And now I'm hiding in the guest bedroom because I really really wanted to finish writing this and my drunk grandparents keep following me whenever I leave the living room and my granddad keeps trying to take pictures of me with my curlers in. Yes I frequently use curlers :p and you girls better appreciate everything I do for you with these stories**

**random fact, the scene where ma tells Connor she wishes he'd never been born, I wrote a week or two ago for a totally different chapter and just thought it fit ok here, if it didn't tell me. To anyone who might think she wouldn't say that, I'll just tell you that's another moment partially based on something that's happened to me.**

**Another note to add, a lot of my chapters they end up in each other's beds, because I think there's nothing more comforting than having that kind of closeness with someone especially at night, and I personally think they probably shared a bed for quite some time because it was just cheaper and more convenient and no matter how old they were would just be really comforting no matter what because they grew up like that. Just wanted to throw that out there in case anyone wondered.**


	22. The Brothers, Snowday

Connor stretched luxuriously with his eyes closed, enjoying a rare feeling of being well rested and ready to wake up on a school day, a feeling usually overridden by more of a damn I have to get up I don't want to five more minutes. As far as he knew he hadn't gone to bed any earlier or anything else to make such a difference, his eyes fluttered open and he rolled out from under his blankets in a panic disregarding the cold.

"Murph, Murphy get up we're late for school Ma's going to flip they're going to call her at work again." he yelled, bolting over to his brothers' bed and shaking him frantically. Murphy sat up disoriented looking about for the source of his brothers' panic, half expecting to see a crazed psychopath standing in the corner. Until he saw something scarier. The clock. He was on his feet before Connor even had time to move away from his bedside, crashing into him they both tumbled backwards.

"Did you forget to set your alarm?!" Murphy grabbed a pair of jeans off the floor and started trying to cram both feet in one pan leg.

"Don't try to pin this on me you have an alarm too." Connor yanked a shirt backwards over his head, not bothering to correct it even as the tag stuck out under his chin.

"You're supposed to be the responsible one!" Murphy argued.

"Those are my pants!" Connor couldn't think of a valid response to Murphys' last point so he settled for pointing out the jeans he had so zealously put on were indeed too long to be his. Murphy started looking around the floor for another pair not even bothering to open the closet.

"I don't even care we just need to go!" Connor howled, any moment Murphy spent trying to change was another moment they were late. One arm shoved through his jacket while the other slung his bookbag over his shoulder he flung the bedroom door open only to come to a halt so suddenly Murphy crashed right into his back.

"M-ma? What're you doin' home?" He stammered nervously. "We missed our alarms. We're goin' now I swear. Won' happen again." He continued to edge towards the door, Murphy hiding close behind him.

After a long moment of attempting to look stern she just couldn't hold it in anymore. The twins stared at her bewildered as she bent over double guffawing so hard she gasped for breath. "I turned yer alarms off." she crowed, "Ya didn' even look out the windows. Huge snowstorm las' night, whole city's shut down."

"Gotta be KIDDING ME." Murphy yelled, slamming his head into Connors' back where he still stood. "Ya woke me up like that for nothin'!" He shoved his twin forward. Connor turned around to retaliate.

"You two behave or I'm not lettin' ya go outside at all today." Ma threatened, both boys stopped cold in their tracks.

"Yes Ma." They chorused in unison, putting their heads down in the same breath.

"Now come help me make breakfast." She stood up without taking her eyes off her mischievous twins, knowing all too well if she took her eyes off of them for even a second they would find ways to antagonize each other.

"Ma Connor's tryin' to put cinnamon in my nose!"

"Ma Murphy put pancake mix in my shirt!"

"Ma Connor took my belt!"

"Ma Murphy sprayed me in the face with the sink hose thing!"

"Ma Connor put a pancake in my pants!"

"Ma Murphy took a pancake out of his pants and threw it at me!"

"JUST GO SIT DOWN NICELY AND I WILL CALL YOU WHEN BREAKFAST IS READY." Ma bellowed, both boys slunk sheepishly out of the kitchen.

"Mmm, these are good Ma." Connor reached over sneakily and attempted to fork another off the plate.

"It's been so long since we had pancakes." Murphy mumbled around a mouthful of pancake.

"Manners boys." She sighed as Murphy smacked Connors hand away from the stack of cinnamon pancakes.

"You've got chocolate chip." He mumbled again his mouth still somehow full.

"Share Murphy. You boys are lucky I love ya enough to make two differn' batches of pancakes for ya anyway." she wouldn't admit but she did enjoy spoiling her boys in the little ways she could, like indulging in their different tastes in small things, she was rarely home enough to make any kind of decent meal.

"Can we go outside now Ma?" Murphy asked earnestly as he set his fork down on his plate, Connor groaned and leaned back in his chair having eaten until he was tired.

"Dress warm and be home before dark." Ma conceded after a moment of contemplation. Connor perked right back up and clambered after his brother to dress and head outside for a much needed day off.

There weren't a lot of kids their age around, just two or three rough sixteen or seventeen year olds and a handful of small children but in the strange euphoria that came with a bit of unexpected freedom from the average daily routine it didn't even matter. Connor began rolling a large snowball to start a snowman while Murphy flung himself to the ground and began flapping his arms wildly making a snow angel that appeared to be on crack. With Connor engrossed in his snowman making efforts Murphy took advantage of his distraction to start stockpiling snowballs behind a trashcan planning to ambush him when he didn't expect it.

As soon as Connor had put the finishing touches on his masterpiece he turned to ask Murphys' opinion only to get nailed in the fact with a snowball.

"You did not just do that." Connor glared at Murphy, who was already reaching for another, a brief moment of hesitation to look where his pile was was all Connor needed to scoop up a handful for himself. Murphy opened his mouth to respond or tease only to find it suddenly full of cold wet mush, turning his head to the side he started spitting it out only to get pegged in the side of the head with another.

"You're gonna get it now!" Murphy yelled.

Their whoops and hollers of joy as they chased one another pelting snowballs drew the attention of most of their building and the ones next to it, regardless of age people joined in with them, a rugged teen who seemed incapable of speech other than grunts, an assortment of small children scampering about underfoot, someones mother who had only gone outside to watch her child, a man who may or may not have been homeless. It spilled through the alleyway across the sidewalk and into the street, people not brave enough to venture out themselves watching through the windows as the snow war waged on. Despite initially planning to trek about the city looking for classmates and friends the twins found they were perfectly content playing right outside their own home.

Murphy sat uncomfortably in the snow trying to help a small group of kids who couldn't seem to comprehend moving their arms and legs at the same time make snow angels, occasionally just giving up and gently moving their limbs for them, their faces lit up as they giggled eager to leap up and examine their handiwork. Someone had brought out a sled and lacking a hill was pulling anyone who wanted down the street as fast as they could in it. Connor was helping create an army of smaller snowmen to accompany his with the rest of the kids. Someone emerged from the warmth of indoors with a tray piled deep with still steaming cookies that everyone huddled together to enjoy. Ma watched her boys fondly from the fire escape, as rough and tumble as they were it was clear as daylight they had kind hearts and souls.

It felt like it had been only minutes by the time the sun had started to set and the twins found themselves the only ones still outside, just then realizing how cold it was, that their breath puffed in clouds in front of them.

"Guess we should go in." Murphy kicked a clump of snow sadly. Connor flung an arm around his brothers shoulders.

"Don't look so bummed Murph, it's days like this no one ever forgets even though they end." Connor smiled with a rare display of sentimentality. Murphy grinned back, knowing how true his brothers words were while resisting the instinctive urge to mock him for his 'cheesy' words.

As the walked back towards the door arms around each others shoulders Connor realized at some point among the miniature snowmen his snowman had gained a twin, just an inch or two shorter. He didn't know how it had escaped his notice, or for that matter who had built it, Murphy or one of the little kids as they observed the way they interacted with each other.

Connor and Murphy huddled under a blanket together in the living room nursing mugs of hot chocolate Ma had been nice enough to have waiting for them, bundled in their warmest pajamas surrounded by every blanket in the house. Murphy reached for a tissue and Connor handed it to him wordlessly. Murphy leaned his head over on Connors' shoulder, the scant heating they could afford kept the apartment only barely warmer than the outdoors. Hearing his brother sniffle Connor handed him another tissue, pulling his knees up to his chest as Murphy shifted even closer seeking some momentry relief from the cold.

**Author's Note- Initially I was going to write something angsty but I've had such an awful time since I got back from Chicago that I just needed to write something light and happy, plus I've been feeling majorly nostalgic/reminiscing about those cold snowy northern winters that I miss so much so you guys ended up with this chapter in the middle of the summer. I'm feelingly slightly more inspired now but as always ideas are always welcome. And just a random little tidbit, on the rare occasions we get snow down here even like half an inch of slush shuts the whole state down, which means school gets cancelled and my mom likes to let us wake up in a panic and run around like we're late for about ten minutes before she tells us. Then it really did always turn into a streetwide snowball fight and collaborative snowman efforts (we're pretty close to almost all our neighbors) I remember one year it snowed for like a week (highly unusual here) and my family proceeded to go sledding using trashcan lids and tote bins and pool floats/innertubes since you can't buy sleds here even if you want to. Yup redneck sledding that happened. No one really knows how to handle any kind of frozen precipitation though, I mean I remember it taking twenty minutes to get class going in kindergarten because everyone had to get their snowboots and snowsuits off then people here don't even know what a snowsuit looks like :P sorry kinda got caught up reminiscing there :/ can you tell I'm more of a cold weather person :P Also I'd imagine the twins are like 11-12 in this if you actually read this far**


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